1. What is that buzzing?
2. Oh, my phone.
3. Am I getting, like, 20 texts at once?
4. Maybe iMessage was down and they're all just coming in?
5. That would explain why no one's texted me all morning.
6. Seriously, is someone dead?
7. Ohhh, maybe people are finally retweeting that Joey Fatone joke.
8. OK, let's see.
10. Why is someone calling me?!
11. It has to be an emergency.
12. I'm not answering it.
13. Should I?
14. This is why texting was invented.
15. I don't even know this number.
16. And what is that area code?
17. Definitely not answering it.
18. Why do people like talking on the phone?
19. I'm having an anxiety attack.
20. Wait, is this an anxiety attack?
21. If my phone wasn't being invaded by a call, I could google "anxiety attack."
22. But then I'd just wind up in a WebMD cancer spiral.
23. Maybe it's a butt-dial.
24. Or a wrong number.
25. Fingers crossed it's a wrong number.
26. If it's important, they'll leave a message.
27. What if they leave just, like, eight seconds of silence?
28. I'll call them back if I have to.
29. Did I even set up voicemail when I got this phone?
30. How fucking long does a phone ring for?
31. If I hit "decline," they'll know I hit decline.
32. Right? That's how it works.
33. I think.
34. I don't even know what my ringtone is – it's just always on silent.
35. Do people still buy ringtones?
36. What about ringback tones?
37. Should I pick a ringtone?
38. No, what's the point? My phone's ALWAYS on silent.
39. Is there a way to delete the phone app?
40. That would be dumb.
41. Would it?
42. Yeah, just in case I get kidnapped, I'd like to have the option to call someone.
43. Probably 911.
44. Seriously, how long does a phone ring for?
45. Oh my god, what if someone's actually dead?
46. OK, I have to answer it.
47. Shit, missed it by a second.
48. At least it's done buzzing.
49. And no message!
50. Back in my pocket you go, phone.
51. Oh, a text!
53. Not a text.
54. They left a message.
55. I'll listen to it in, like, an hour.
56. Or never.