The 19 Most Ridiculously Awesome Things About This 1991 Barbie Catalog

All I have to say is: It’s good to be Barbie. And, yes, for the record, life in plastic is indeed fantastic.

Behold, the 1991 Mattel Girls catalog, which is really just an exposé into the over-the-top glamorous life of Barbie.

1. United Colors of Benetton Barbie. What, you didn’t think Barbie would shop at the Gap like some common mall shopper, did you? NOPE. Barbie is INTERNATIONAL. She only shops at the finest mall stores.

2. Ice Capades Barbie: Sure she probably skinned a Muppet for that outfit, but it was worth it! Just look at the sparkles. SPARKLES!

3. Obviously, Barbie is too fabulous to get her hair wet, so, she has her boyfriend/manservant, Ken, drive her around in her own island hopper — with custom dead baby dolphin detail.

4. You know what, Miss America? Barbie DOESN’T need you. She created her beauty competition, “American Beauty Queen,” and, of course, crowned herself the winner.

5. Eat your heart out, Lady Gaga. Barbie was rocking crazy outfits when you were still wearing Oshkosh B’Gosh.

6. You know what’s better than lace? MORE LACE! Sure, she may look like a third-tier Dolly Parton impersonator, but she is OWNING her look.

7. Speaking of owning her look, Barbie is really rocking those high-waisted and pleated acid-washed jeans. Clearly, all of these looks must be from the Saved by the Bell collection.

8. Of course Barbie knows the only way to impress your friends (aka make them jealous of your fabulousness) is to own your own hamburger stand. I mean you need a cool hangout spot.

And you know Ken has to get behind the counter and grill up those burgers! ‘Cause Barbie does not get her hands dirty.

9. What’s better than a hamburger stand? Your own concession stand — which I’m assuming is part of her own private movie theater, which is SOLD SEPARATELY.

Um, Ken, you better get behind that counter, that popcorn isn’t going to pop itself.

10. Skipper, the original Teen Mom.

11. Poor Barbie, always a bridesmaid, never the bride. Also, should Midge really be wearing white? (Admit it, you were thinking the same thing.)

By the way, how does Ken feel about his “buddy” Allan getting married?

12. Honeymoon Midge is totally having a Chico’s kind of day.

13. Barbie knows what an ICON she is, so of course she needs her very own Graceland.

I mean, look at that mansion!

14. The Barbie Ferrari: If you’re going to live in a mansion like that, you need a car that is equally as gaudy.

My only question: Why isn’t it PINK?! Very off-brand, Barbie.

15. After a long day of doing nothing, Barbie needs to relax in her hot tub, with gazebo (for privacy!).

16. And when Barbie really wants to relax and get away from it all, she has her own motorhome. Which comes with its own beauty and makeup center, ‘cause just because you’re camping doesn’t mean you should slouch on the glamour.

17. But when it’s time to holiday (yeah, she doesn’t “vacation” like a commoner) she likes to jet off to Switzerland to ski the Alps!

“Try to keep up, Ken!”

18. Of course, after all that skiing, Barbie needs her own Swiss Chalet hot chocolate shop.

And, yes, Ken BETTER get behind the counter and make Barbie her hot chocolate! BARBIE DOES NOT GET HER HANDS DIRTY.

19. And finally, Barbie likes to surround herself with only the finest artists and entertainers, like M.C. Hammer.

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