We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about the worst time they had food poisoning. Here are their absolutely shitty stories.
1. The tacos of terror:
My college roommates and I tried a new Mexican place for dinner. The food poisoning hit me first a few hours later. It felt like a thousand angry little demons were stabbing my insides with white-hot daggers. I ran to the bathroom and the gates of hell blasted open. I was sweating, crying, and shitting more than I ever thought possible. Then, I heard a bang as my roommate tore open the door and proceeded to vomit partially digested tacos all over my half-naked body, which was expelling the contents of satan's soul into the toilet.
2. The worst first day of school:
The night before I was due to start my new job as an English teacher, I went out for a celebratory meal with my boyfriend and our friends. I had oysters. Everything was fine until I arrived at school the next morning, when I started to feel queasy, but I chocked it up to nerves. I welcomed my new class into the classroom and taught for about 20 minutes, but then I couldn't open my mouth for fear of vomiting. The kids started talking and laughing, until I projectile-vomited across the room, spraying quite a few of my new students in the front row. It's fair to say I was never their favorite teacher.
3. The petrified puppy:
A few years ago, I checked out a new taco place my BFF recommended. I spent the entire evening clinging to the toilet for dear life. The worst part of it was my puppy was so distraught because I was clearly in pain, so he started crying and peeing all over himself in the doorway. I turned my head to console him and ended up vomiting all down the front of the toilet and the floor. Between cleaning the puke off of myself, the bathroom, and my poor little puppy, it was a terrible night.
4. The poops on a plane:
My worst experience with food poisoning was from an airport sandwich. I actually disabled the economy-class washroom because I was destroying the place from both ends. It was like The Shining elevator scene in there, with my vile mess splashing all over the damn place. I will never forget the look on the poor flight attendant's face.
—Katherine Haché, Facebook
5. The fruit juice fuckup:
On my flight back from Thailand, I was awoken from my slumber by the most intense urge to vomit, only to realize there were no air-sickness bags. My boyfriend got the plastic bag the pillows come in and caught my puke just in time, and caught the drips in his leftover apple juice cup. I went to the bathroom to flush my barf bag, splash water on my face, and then my boyfriend helped me back in my seat. He tried to make me as comfortable as possible and quickly finished the last little sip of apple juice in his cup. He forgot it wasn't apple juice.
—Tyler Amato, Facebook
6. The shopping cart shart:
I was 7 and it was hot, so my dad got me rainbow ice cream. About two hours later, we were in Walmart and I farted a few times before I realized I was actually sharting. Instead of doing the normal thing and telling my parents so they could take me home, I didn't say anything because I was so embarrassed. After I really started feeling like shit, I asked my dad to put me in the cart. But, not even five minutes later, I started projectile vomiting and shitting all over my dad, the floor, and myself.
7. The worst work lunch ever:
My co-worker took me to lunch a few years back, and I dug into a chicken sandwich and fries. One bite in and I knew something was off with my sandwich, so I ate the fries and thought nothing of it. Why? Because I am clearly a glutton for punishment. Karma kicked my ass. An hour later, I was performing an intestinal pyrotechnic show under my desk into my trash can. The echoes of my swan song could be heard throughout the office, so my boss sent me home to sleep off my shame.
—Kimberly Crotty, Facebook
8. The shittiest honeymoon:
While on our honeymoon, my husband and I wound up with a raging case of food poisoning. As fate would have it, we only had one bathroom — and we took turns on the toilet, while the other used the tub to vomit. Eventually, the time came when we both had to poop. Nothing says "love" like seeing your brand-new spouse hang their butt over the side of the tub to poop while you're puking your brains out.
9. The complete McShitshow:
For my sister's birthday a few years ago, we ate at a buffet. I got a fish taco, took one bite, and decided to toss it. At work the next day I felt the sudden urge to vomit. I made it to the bathroom and promptly threw up all over myself. Believe it or not, my boss wouldn't let me go home. About 15 minutes later, I felt the urge to vomit again. I RAN to the bathroom and only made it to the sinks before I was spewing vomit everywhere. And then it happened... I shit my pants, while puking in a sink, at a fucking McDonald's.
10. The sausage of shame:
It was the first time I spent the night with a guy I was seeing. We had pizza for dinner — he had plain, I had sausage. In the early hours of the morning, I awoke with crippling nausea. I tried to make my way to the bathroom, but as soon as I stood up, I puked all over his bedroom carpet. He woke up to me in a panic trying to sop up my horror show with some flimsy paper towels. I'm forever scarred by sausage, but at least we stayed together!
11. The Blue Man barf:
When I was 10, my parents took me to go see the Blue Man group. In the middle of the show, I felt a terrible wave of nausea hit me and I puked all over the seat in front of me. I was puking so violently that the Blue Men noticed and had their stage manager run into the audience and pull me backstage. After the show, one of the Blue Men held a trash can for me to continue to puke in.
—Meg Gonsalves, Facebook
12. The Cinderella from hell:
I'd been dreaming of prom since I was a kid, so naturally I was over the moon when my senior crush asked me as a sophomore. Things were going great and it felt like a fairy tale...but then the food poisoning hit me during my first slow dance. I ran down the hallway, stopping to puke up the rancid chicken I'd eaten earlier in every trash can on my way to the bathroom. There were seven girls in my stall holding my dress back, wiping my mascara stains, getting me paper towels to wipe puke from my mouth, and getting me water. Turns out my fairy tale was a hellish Cinderella.
13. The fearsome foreshadowing:
When I was about 9, I ate some chicken nuggets from a place literally called "Mad Cow." Turns out that was some kind of foreshadowing because that night, I turned my grandparents' bathroom into some sorta vomit nightmare from The Exorcist. I should've known better.
14. The barf bond:
My boyfriend and I had food poisoning at the same time and we fought for the bathroom. Later on, we shared a puke bucket in bed next to each other, only for me to end up letting out EXPLOSIVE diarrhea on the bed I shared with him. Our bond is sealed — we can never leave each other now.
—Lauren Steve, Facebook
15. The barf basket:
Two summers ago, I got some salmon tikka masala at my favorite Indian restaurant. Later that night, I hooked up with a guy I was talking to on Tinder. The next morning I woke up and felt a little nauseous, but shrugged it off — until I rolled over to get out of bed and promptly vomited into his trashcan. His wicker trashcan... that didn't have a liner. I watched as the puke dribbled out of the holes in the wicker, horrified and embarrassed beyond belief. I ran to the bathroom, puked my guts up into his sink, and drove home as fast as I could, never to see the guy again.
16. The literal sack of shit:
I went to friend's house for a barbecue and within 40 minutes I felt my stomach churning inside out. I bolted outta there like a bat out of hell. It only took me seven minutes to get back home and get into my driveway, but I quickly realized I wasn't making it to the bathroom. I looked at my summery tote bag, and after making sure no one was around, I ducked down in my seat to take a shit in my tote. I then felt overwhelming nausea take over and proceeded to vomit in my tote. After it was over, I trashed my shit-vomit tote and went home to spend the entire night hugging the porcelain throne.
17. And this sinful case of the shits:
My grandpa invited some people over, including a nun, Sister Mary. This intimidated my mom, having gone to Catholic school as a child, so she tried to impress her by making a broccoli salad. We didn't have dried cranberries, so she made it with apricots. The dried apricots looked expired, but she chopped up those rabbit turd-rocks anyway and threw 'em straight in the salad. Not long after, everyone's stomachs started to rumble, but none more than Sister Mary. I glanced back to see Sister Mary, waddling to the door, with sweat beads pouring down her face. I've never seen anyone look that close to death before.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.