1. The Bad Day
This is the guy who seems to know everything about golf. As far as he’s concerned, he’s the foremost authority on the subject. He’s been playing for years, and he’s quick to inform you that he once hit a hole in one on a par-3. However, once he takes a swing at the ball, it hooks like velcro and ends up in the rough. The rest of his shots don’t fair much better, and with every additional swings, he can’t help but let you know that he’s usually much better than this.
Quote: “Man, this just isn’t my day!”
2. The Spider Man
Wow. Um, well, what can we say? The Spider Man is so named because — well just look at him! Popularized by Golfer Camilo Villegas, this posture is ostensibly used to check the slope of the green. In reality, it’s much better at inciting giggles from fellow players, and is one of the things golfers commonly hate.
Quote: “I’ll need to get a closer look at this one.”
3. The Hall Monitor
Golf is a gentlemen’s sport. So, naturally there needs to be some anal-retentive, self-appointed golf cop making sure that everyone obeys every rule in the book. Which book, you ask? Every book. For example, did you know that you’re not allowed to wipe morning dew off of your ball? The Hall Monitor knew it, and he’s going to make sure that everyone he meets knows it as well.
Quote: “You may not have known it, but that’s a two-stroke offense.”
4. The Lush
Why get drunk at home, when you can pay exorbitant green-fees to do so in public surrounded by annoyed golfers? The Lush knows that there’s no way he could make it all the way through 18 holes without a few (dozen) cold ones. Just make sure you take away his keys before he slides in behind the wheel of the golfcart, otherwise a few stray balls aren’t the only things that are likely to end up in the water-hazard.
Quote: “Picking out the right club can sure make a man thirsty!”
5. The Warrior-Princess
She looks better than you, she dresses better than you and you can’t be sure, but you have a sneaking suspicion that she makes a lot more money than you do. But hey, at least you know you can out drive her on a—oh, never mind. It turns out she’s a better golfer too. It’s like she stepped directly out of a woman-empowerment flick just to trounce you into the ground. But can she balance a golf club on her nose longer than you can? Only one way to find out…
Quote: “You swing like a girl.”
6. The Sleazebag
Yeah, I’m sure that the seventeen year-old beauty queen who works part time as a cart girl is genuinely interested in an overweight, middle aged, weekend golfer. After all, I’m sure that none of the other men who’ve come through here today have had the charm, wit, and sophistication that this golfer has been hiding under his flat-cap and mustache. Here’s a helpful hint: a smile doesn’t mean that she wants someone to sweep her off her feet; it means that she’d like a few extra bucks as tip.
Quote: “When’s your next break?”
7. The Pioneer
There’s something to be said for the determination required to play it where it lies, no matter what that may entail. However, there’s a fine line between admirable and annoying. Golfers who refuse to just take the penalty, even if it means that everyone has to wait an extra half hour while they trim the rough one stroke at a time, generally end up crossing that line.
Quote: “This should only take me a few minutes…”
8. The Hulk
You wouldn’t like him if he were angry, and he tends to get angry a lot. This golfer’s clubs travel farther than his drives, and the only sound he makes other than cursing is the gasping breath he takes in while he’s preparing to curse. Strangely enough, this golfer is still willing to spend the better part of his Saturday doing something that he obviously finds infuriating.
Quote: “(Gasp) **#@& *$@ @%$^^&!!!”
9. The Multitasker
What’s better than taking a day off work to play a round of golf? Not taking a day off work while you play golf! This golfer spends the entire day talking on his cell phone, making sure that important business deals don’t slip down the hole while he’s trying to get his ball to do just that. Other golfers are often suitably impressed, not with his business savvy, but with his ability to put while texting.
Quote: “You’ll have to speak up; I’m outside.”
10. The Almost Pro
He dresses the part. He has the best equipment money can buy. He can tell you the scores of the winners of every major tour over the last thousand years. In fact, the only thing keeping this guy from breaking into the pros is a complete lack of talent. Still, he’d make a great professional golfer as long as he didn’t have to do any actual golfing.
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