1. 1. The “My Pets Are My REAL Family” Photos:
Bronze: This pic is timeless; it could have been taken in 1989 OR 1990. Plus, is that a lamb?
Silver: I could be wrong, but I don’t remember putting “monkey in a dress” on my Christmas wish list.
Gold: Nothing says Christmas spirit like blasphemy!
4. Honorable Mentions:
I know someone who is getting a therapy coupon in their stocking this year…
The only reason this didn’t get gold is I’m not sure if this is a Christmas card photo or not, but, DEAR GOD NO!!!
6. 2. The “Look At What Precious Monsters We’re Raising” Photos:
Bronze: Santa loves the little goths because black eyeliner is an inexpensive gift.
Silver: Shhhhhh….Santa’ll give you your present after mommy and daddy are sleeping.
Gold: This little girl will steal your heart…Did I say heart? I meant soul.
9. Honorable Mentions:
Yeah? Well, fuck you, too!
It could be worse kid; your dad could have made you wear HIS vest.
11. 3. The “Outragiously Inappropriate” Photos:
Bronze: Yeah, ‘cuz nothing says Happy Holidays like swimwear.
Silver: I know what Mommy got for Christmas! Hope she kept the receipt.
Gold: Honey, I told you already; I really want to appeal to all my pedophile friends this year!
14. Honorable Mentions:
I really hope his shirt says “Giant Pens”.
16. 4. The “Awkward Holiday Photos Aren’t Just For White People Anymore!” Photos:
Bronze: The wild animal mauling gives this card a classy feel.
Silver: My wife loves Christmas because I programmed her that way.
Gold: Nothing says Christmas like anything other than this.
19. Some Special Awards:
The Creepiest Father Of The Year Award
The Best Family Hairstyles Award (Note: comb-over, beehive, and ginger ‘fro all in one photo)
21. So if this year your family tries to convince you to partake in the horrid tradition that is staged holiday photography, tell ‘em to fuck off.
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