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    Posted on Jul 2, 2014

    18 Turtles Who Will Mess You Up

    What do you think this is? Some sort of game?! Welcome to real life, punk.

    1. The Renaissance turtle, equipped with a kilt and sheathed dagger.

    2. The T-34, equipped with one blaster turret and two angled rocket launchers.

    3. The iTurtle, equipped with enough processing power to hack into the FBI's mainframe in SECONDS.

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    ARE YOU AFRAID YET???!

    4. The Turtlenaught, equipped with indestructible armor and College Football level agility.

    5. The Turtl3DJ, capable of spinning beats so pure your ear drums explode.

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    HEAR THE PAIN.

    6. The Turtleshark, combining the calm and strong nature of a turtle with the reckless anarchist personality of a shark.

    7. The Turtlegator, raised in the valleys of Phnom Penh, where they were taught mind control.

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    AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE.

    8. The ChefTurtle3000, who will cut you up and serve you to willing patrons for a high fee.

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    PROFITING OFF YOUR DEATH.

    9. The Camoturtle, adept at disguise and sleuth hiding.

    10. The Canniturtle, who will hunt you down and destroy your life.

    11. The Procreaturtle, who is single handedly responsible for the continued development of turtle-kind.

    12. The Lonerturtle, who isn't even friends with other turtles, let alone you.

    13. The Big Bad Biting Turtle, who will bite the shit out of you.

    14. The Ninjaturtle, equipped with double blades and supreme wit.

    15. The Skaterturtle, equipped with DOUBLE skateboards and a thirst for BLOOD.

    16. The TurtleDog, equipped with a ferocious canine, obviously.

    17. The TurtleSub, equipped with a twice-equipped turret and the ability to travel to intense depths below the sea.

    18. And Lt.Turtle, equipped with camouflage, parachute, an army knife and dozens of war stories.

    BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

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