How Australian Are You?

You’re all welcome. But some are more welcome than others.

  1. 1. It's Christmas day and your family is coming over for dinner. What do you cook?
    1. Chuck some shrimp on the barbie!
    2. A nice leg of pineapple-glazed ham.
    3. A lamb chop or two, maybe some grilled asparagus.
    4. Meat. Any type. Cooked for two seconds on each side and slammed on a plate bloody.
    5. A seafood spread of prawns, barramundi, Balmain bugs and some lemon wedges
    6. I’ll probably order take-out.
  2. 2. You've noticed you're putting on a few pounds. You:
    1. Join the local gym and try to eat a little healthier.
    2. Go on a citrus-detox cleanse.
    3. Take some martial arts.
    4. Fuck it. I’ve come this far. May as well keep going.
    5. Take up cross-fit and follow a strict 5000 calorie a day meal plan.
    6. Liposuction. Always.
  3. 3. You have nothing planned for the night so you:
    1. Invite some friends over to hang out.
    2. Go out to a restaurant for a nice dinner with your partner.
    3. Masturbate.
    4. Go to the gym - maybe use the spa - and catch a late movie with some friends.
    5. Have some mates over to get on the piss!
    6. What is ‘the piss?’
  4. 4. A coworker is eating their lunch at their desk and the smell is exceedingly undesirable. You:
    1. Ask him if he could go eat somewhere else.
    2. Go get your own smelly food and commence your battle of the senses.
    3. Don’t say a word.
    4. Tell them that if they’re not gonna share they need to eat somewhere else.
    5. Ask for some of their food.
    6. Assault them.
  5. 5. Someone insults your mother. You:
    1. Punch ‘em right in the mouth.
    2. Confront them, but when the situation escalates change the subject.
    3. Whip out your knife and use intimidation tactics.
    4. Ignore them.
    5. Insult their mother in return.
    6. Call them “mate,” but ask them to apologise to your mother.
  6. 6. Time for breakfast! What do you reach for?
    1. The Vegemite!
    2. The bacon and eggs!
    3. Avocado on toast!
    4. Water. Just water.
    5. I don’t eat breakfast.
    6. Meat. Some kind of meat.
  7. 7. Your 'around the house' clothes are:
    1. A singlet, shorts, and flip-flops.
    2. I don’t have a house.
    3. Dressing gown.
    4. Nothin’ beats my Levi 501’s.
    5. A wife-beater, stubbies and thongs.
    6. Pyjamas.
  8. 8. You've cut yourself pretty bad and need medical attention. You:
    1. Wrap a tea-towel around it and hope the bleeding stops.
    2. Call your partner to help you.
    3. Ignore it.
    4. Don’t call the doctor because you can’t afford it.
    5. Head straight to hospital because medicare will cover it.
    6. Chop the limb off and live without it.
  9. 9. How many times a week have you said the word "mate?"
    1. 1-2
    2. 3-5
    3. 10-20
    4. Why would I call anyone “mate?”
    5. I can’t count that many.
    6. 0, but only because I don’t have any mates.
  10. 10. You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life. You pick:
    1. Slim Dusty
    2. Adele
    3. I’d rather complete silence.
    4. Backstreet Boys
    5. AC/DC
    6. Cold Chisel

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Brad Esposito is a news reporter for BuzzFeed and is based in Sydney, Australia.
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