Here's What We Think These Fictional Australian Characters Taste Like

    Blinky Bill: A really tough meat with a hint of eucalyptus in there too.

    by Brad Esposito, Jemima Skelley, Dean Nye, Jenna Guillaume

    Blinky Bill, The Adventures of Blinky Bill

    Beyond Distribution

    Brad - Blinky Bill would definitely taste like a really supple meat, probably chicken thigh. His ears would be a delicacy in some countries, cooked in breakfast dishes.

    Dean - Blinky Bill would taste like a cured meat… very tender but a really distinct, salty taste.

    Jenna - I would just like to preface this by saying I don’t actually want to eat any of these characters. At all. That said, I think ol’ Blinky would taste like dirt.

    Jemima - A very tough meat with a hint of eucalyptus in there too.

    Nemo, Finding Nemo

    Pixar

    Brad - Nemo is too young to eat, so he would be really quite fragile and bland. I think his bones would get stuck in your throat. But, I can see Nemo being used as a garnish.

    Dean - Too small, throw him back. I think he would be quite rubbery, almost like bad calamari.

    Jenna - Nooo, not Nemo! This is too cruel. He’d be bony and you wouldn’t even be able to taste anything.

    Jemima - I imagine he’d taste like literally nothing because he’s so small. Also he went through so much, do we really have to eat him?

    Joanna the Goanna, The Rescuers Down Under

    Disney

    Brad - Joanna would taste like shit. All her diet is comprised of is eggs and little marsupial mice. Also, she’s horrible. And this would affect her. So I’m thinking a really, really, bad cut of eel would be the closest thing.

    Dean - Tough as shit. Heaps of bones too. Eating Joanna would be more work than it’s worth. Very little edible meat at the end of the day.

    Jenna - Joanna would taste like leather.

    Jemima - She’d taste like crocodile which is surprisingly delicious. I do think she’d take too long to de-scale and cut up, etc. Mightn’t be worth it?

    Bertie the Aeroplane Jelly Plane

    McCormick Foods Australia
    McCormick Foods Australia

    Brad - I think they got their branding spot on here. The plane would taste like gummies, similar to wine gums, imo.

    Dean - The plane would taste something similar to a jelly snake… or perhaps more like a rainbow python.

    Jenna - Bertie would literally taste like Aeroplane Jelly. I’d eat him willingly except he’s probably the pineapple flavour, which, gross.

    Jemima - Hopefully he wouldn’t taste like yellow jelly though ‘coz that’s the worst flavour.

    Big Ted, Play School

    ABC

    Brad - Big Ted tasted like one of those awful, old, apples that get all flour-y. Not nice at all. BUT, the saving grace is the brisket. Big Ted Brisket, slow cooked for a minimum 12 hours, is wonderful.

    Dean - Big Ted is definitely starchy. He either tastes like a big bowl of cold mashed potato, or a freshly baked loaf of sourdough. Either way, you’re gonna feel full.


    Jenna     - YOU CAN’T EAT BIG TED. BIG TED IS MADE FOR CUDDLING. But idk he’d probably taste like stale popcorn.

    Jemima - Big Ted is old AF. He’d taste so tough and gristly. I’ll pass thanks.

    B1 & B2, Bananas in Pyjamas

    ABC

    Brad - This is a tough one. First thought would have it that the BiP taste like banana. BUT. They’re massive. And this would affect the taste, so I’m thinking something similar to sugar cane. Very tough. Good for baking.

    Dean - I think they would taste like banana, but not natural banana. More like a banana flavouring, like a milkshake you would get at a fish and chip shop. I think it would be overly sweet, so a few bites and you’re done.

    Jenna - They’d definitely taste like banana lollies. I think they’d smell like them too. Mmmmmm.

    Jemima - Nah I reckon they’d taste like old and rotten banana. You know when you accidentally bruise your banana and it affects the whole taste? These dudes probably walk into shit all the time coz their bodies are so big so they’re probably covered in banana bruises.

    Rattus & Modigliana, The Ferals

    ABC
    ABC

    Brad - Rattus would taste awesome slow roasted with a glass of red. Don’t be put off by his gross outward appearance, this is a defence mechanism nature has used for some time (think monkfish). I do, however, think Modigliana would be quite tough.

    Dean - Look feral, taste feral. I bet they smell like Tuna, but taste like anchovies. No ferals on my pizza, please.

    Jenna - They’d taste like actual garbage.

    Jemima - Yes please. They’ve been marinating in gross filthy juices which I think might add some flavour to their meat.

    Johnson, Johnson and Friends

    ABC

    Brad - Ah, Johnson. You scary motherfucker. I would take great pleasure in eating Johnson, and I’m pretty sure he’d taste like bacon.

    Dean - Johnson might look like he’s about to steal your lunch money, but I guarantee he tastes EXACTLY like fairy floss. Your teeth would hurt after consuming him, but it would be totally worth it.

    Jenna - Johnson is strawberry lip balm-flavoured.

    Jemima - Yep I’m with Dean but I reckon he’d be the cheap kind of fairy floss that you get at a second-rate fair, the kind that has sugar lumps in that make you feel like you’re eating sand.

    Agro, Agro's Cartoon Connection

    Seven Network

    Brad - First off, WTF is Agro? Because that is something I need to know before deciding to eat him. I’m not that attracted to eating Agro, I think it would be very tough. Like when you go to your Nan’s house and she cooked roast beef for about eight hours too long and its just… not nice.


    Dean     - Agro reminds me of a Bubble O’ Bill, so I just imagine he tastes like cheap ice cream with colour flavouring and a shitload of preservatives... and his red nose would be bubblegum.

    Jenna - Agro tastes like Milo, duh. Wendy’s revealed that in the ‘90s.

    Jemima - Literally no thanks. Agro scared me so much as a kid that I can’t even imagine eating him. He would taste like nightmares and broken dreams.

    Mumbles, Happy Feet

    Pixar

    Brad - So much fat. Probably only has a pound of edible meat on it. Still, the flippers are probably quite lean and would have the consistency of calamari and the taste of pork belly.

    Dean - I’d smash Happy Feet. He’s be like a plump buffalo wing. Bet he would taste even better with ranch dipping sauce.

    Jenna - He’d be rubbery. :(

    Jemima - Marinate this little dude for a few days and serve him up on a huge seafood platter. He’d go great on a penguin-and-prawn kebab.

    Coredor, Plasmo

    ABC

    Brad - Like, German sausages or something. But not at all appealing. I think Coredor is one of those foods you eat when you go to a foreign country and people are like “no one even eats it here but it’s an ancient delicacy.” So then you try it and it just sorta tastes like chicken.

    Dean - Coredor would be stringy AF. I imagine him tasting like an artichoke or a second-rate vegetable like that - he just looks messed up and would be pushed to the side of the dinner plate ASAP.

    Jenna - Like the dried up white dog shit you used to see all the time.

    Jemima - I’m detecting a gross taste from this mofo. Like anchovies. No one likes anchovies. But like, anchovies that have been left out for a year.