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    Posted on 25 Nov 2014

    An Australian Guesses What Thanksgiving Is

    Turkey and alcohol, I guess?

    In Australia, we do not have Thanksgiving. We are a culture that despises the idea of thanking anyone.

    At least, that must be the only reason why we don't sit around celebrating it.

    Below, I have spliced together the fragments that make up Thanksgiving, and the methods by which everyone enjoys themselves.

    I am sorry in advance.

    First thing's first: Turkey.


    To be honest, this surprises me massively. Turkey is by far one of the lesser birds. Chicken, duck, heck - even quail - all rank higher than the dry and often disappointing turkey.

    I'm not sure of the rationale behind the turkey-eating. Was there a fight with turkeys at some point like in that episode of South Park? If so, wouldn't you want the past to remain the past, and move on? I'm not sure American. I'm just not sure.

    "Autumn" colours. Also, pumpkins.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto Melpomenem

    This photo is described by Thinkstock as "Pumpkins and squashes with a shinning fall background," and I'd say that's a pretty good description of Thanksgiving itself. I think? Every November all of Ameri-Twitter explodes with "pumpkin pie" this and "I love the leaves" that.

    Well, why? Pumpkin is okay, I guess. As far as vegetables go, though, it's not ideal. Pumpkin does make up a rather delectable bread. Mmm... pumpkin bread.

    Mashed potatoes.

    Mashed potatoes - or "mershed perderders" - are just fine, really. Not bad, not great. Still, it makes for some pretty bland dinner.

    "Oh, you gotya' turkey, you gotya' mashed potato, you gotya pumpkin...Yep, it's bland! And I like it"


    Getty Images/iStockphoto michelar

    I'm not really sure about this, I'm just assuming. Because it's a holiday. And I guess that's what happens on a holiday. People drink. Look at these kids - they love alcohol! And each other!

    People "say thanks" for things.

    Getty Images Dick Luria

    This caucasian family at the dinner table is rallying up for a good ol' "thankyou!" to the elder beings up in the sky. I get the idea that this happens in a self-reflection sort of way, but isn't that what you do on New Year's Eve? Or maybe not? This is a good thing though, therapists are always trying to get everyone to look into themselves.

    Jazz music. (muzak)

    Getty Images/iStockphoto alfernec

    I don't know why jazz strikes me as Thanksgiving-appropriate. Suppose it's because of the spooky Halloween music and the cheery Christmas carols sandwiching around this "holiday" of thanks. But jazz is cool. Real cool. So let's agree that this is the Thanksgiving music.

    Ultimately, all of these parts come together - in a delicious recipe - to form the ultimate part of Thanksgiving...


    A mostly disingenuous, disinterested, family meal!

    Getty Images/Fuse Fuse

    Let's face it, no one really loves everyone in their family. Thanksgiving feels like it'd be the perfect opportunity to sit around with some turkey and pumpkin and beer and pretend like you aren't just mindlessly pouring smalltalk into each other's mouth-holes.

    And that's Thanksgiving. That's it.


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