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23 Times "The Onion" Got Too Real About Music

"Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian"

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1. When they reminded us of this sad truth:

History Of Rock Written By The Losers

2. When they were the first to report on this tragedy:

37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster

3. When they revealed our hopeless crush:

Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

4. When they reminded us that only Bon Iver can get away with this bullshit:

Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard

5. When this hot gossip happened:

Disgruntled Bandmates Worried Rivers Cuomo’s Wife Becoming The Fifth Weezer

6. When this '90s rock reunion happened at the only place it possibly could have:

Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon

7. When they pretty much summed up online music criticism in four words:

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

8. When their Washington insiders got this exclusive:

Biden Huddling With Closest Advisers On Whether To Spend 200 Bucks On Scorpions Tickets

9. When they introduced us to this pathetically oblivious guy:

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

10. When they covered the twilight years of this guy's career:

Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

11. When they introduced us to this local legend:

Area Beatnik Digs That Crazy Bebop

12. When they announced this progressive event:

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

13. When they noticed this suspicious pattern:

New Country-Music Video Has Look Of 1991 Rock Video

14. When they reported on this shocking news:

Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music

15. When this holiday miracle happened:

Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas

16. And then when this happened only a few months later:

Mumford And Sons Take Home Coveted 'Vest Of The Year' Grammy

17. When Al was set free:

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

18. When the drama hit an all-time high:

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

20. When they accurately covered what we spent our weekend doing:

Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

21. When they profiled the guy we somehow all know:

Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man

22. When they said exactly what music fans were thinking:

Now That's What I Call Shitty Music 8 Tops Album Charts

23. And, of course, when they reported on this painful breakup:

Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35
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