Welcome, non-football fans, to Super Bowl Sunday!
On Super Bowl Sunday, it is socially acceptable for literally every American to eat an inappropriate amount of junk food AND drink so much they show up to work Monday morning totally hungover. This is your free pass! Use it!
Also, there are things for you non-football fans too! There's a very long halftime show full of shiny pop stars singing shiny pop songs! There are tons of celebrities sitting in the stands pretending to kind of care about the game! And, this is the one time per year that ad agencies try to actually make good ads! So really, this is the one time in 2016 it actually pays to watch live TV!
So why is this football game a bigger deal than the other football games?
So how long is this football game going to be?
Like four hours.
Wait, four hours? Seriously?!
Seriously. Make sure your phone is fully charged before you show up to a Super Bowl party. Maybe bring a book too.
Now, meet your teams! First up: The Carolina Panthers.
And their opponent: The Denver Broncos.
Who are the quarterbacks? (a.k.a. The guys who throw the ball.)
Broncos – Peyton Manning: Look! It's the guy from the Papa John's ads! It is important to know that while among the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, Peyton is now very old and frail, and this is probably his last game of football. He's won the Super Bowl once before.
Panthers – Cam Newton: Cam is young, talented, and can run the ball as well as he can throw the ball. (He's very good at both.) He also tends to be an enthusiastic guy, which has led some (*cough* racist *cough*) sportswriters to deem any of his facial expressions as "antics."
Now, meet your announcers: CBS commentators Jim Nantz and Phil Simms.
Do people like Jim Nantz and Phil Simms?
Haha, no. People hate these guys.
Why?
View this video on YouTube
Things like this, for example.
What are some phrases I can yell during the game?
"Nice hit!" – Use whenever one guy jumps on another guy.
"He was offside!" – You can use this pretty much every play, but it's probably a good idea to say this no more than 10 times over the course of the game.
"OOHHHH!!!!" – Use whenever other people make a similar sounding noise.
"I miss the days when players did it for the love of the game." – Use whenever any player starts dancing.
"Defense!" – You can say this pretty much whenever.
"The ads are the best part!" – This is a traditional Super Bowl phrase as old as time.
What are some phrases I should avoid during the game?
"Home run!" – While it might be tempting to say this, I promise you that it's inappropriate to say at any point during the game.
"Nice concussion!" – No.
"The NFL Is a good, upstanding organization which treats its players with care and respect!" – This is a wrong opinion.
"Homeward Bound is a great movie!" – This opinion is correct, but the Super Bowl is not an appropriate time to yell this.
"More like the 'Superb Owl,' am I right?" – This joke lacks originality, and it's highly likely that a significant portion of the American populace has already posted this on Facebook.
"Sportsball!" – Please. You are more clever than this.
Meet your national anthem singer: Lady Gaga
Meet the greatest Super Bowl national anthem singer of all time: Whitney Houston
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Whitney's rendition of the national anthem during the beginning of the Gulf War in 1991 made the entire country weep openly for days. Lady Gaga could cure cancer during her national anthem, and it would still not be as well regarded as Whitney's.
The worst Super Bowl national anthem singer of all time: Christina Aguilera
View this video on YouTube
Christina fucked up the words, which is on par with basically declaring war on America. So long as Lady Gaga doesn't fuck up the words, she's in the clear.
Meet your Super Bowl halftime performers: Coldplay, Beyoncé and Bruno Mars
While an immensely popular band, public outcry was harsh when Coldplay was first announced as the halftime performer. So, the Super Bowl added Beyoncé and Bruno Mars to pacify everyone, despite that fact that Beyoncé last performed at the Super Bowl three years ago and Bruno Mars last performed at the Super Bowl two years ago.
What are some phrases I can yell during the halftime show?
During Coldplay: "Conscious uncoupling!" "Goop!" "Play 'Yellow'!"
During Beyoncé: "SLAAAYYY KWEEEENNN!" "KWEEEEEEEEN!" "KWEEEEEEN BEY!!!!" "OOOOHHH MY GOODDD FUCK ME UP!"
During Bruno Mars: N/A
What should I eat during the game?
What should I drink during the game?
Alcohol.
How much alcohol?
Enough that you might start caring about the football game. (Ed. – Please drink responsibly.)
Oh, you said something about ads?
View this video on YouTube
Yep! Today advertisers are paying $5 million for only 30 seconds of your attention! Because of this, they're going to try harder than usual to entertain you, with the hope that you'll maybe buy their product.
Are the ads really all that better than normal ads?
Usually not, but it's fun to pretend!
Anything else I should know?
Probably, but at this point it doesn't really matter. Once the first quarter is over, everyone will be too drunk to care that you probably don't really know anything about football.
Enjoy the game!
