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Posted on Jan 29, 2014

Seattle Vs. Denver: Which City Is Better?

Rating the Super Bowl competitors' hometowns against each other in nine critical categories.

1. Skyline feature: NEEDLE vs. MOUNTAINS

Richard T. Nowitz / Getty
mclcbooks / Flickr: 39877441@N05

WINNER: MOUNTAINS because they are taller. (Denver)

2. Photogenic native animal: RIVER OTTER vs. BUFFALO

Universal Images Group / Getty
watsonsinelgin / Flickr: watsonsinelgin

WINNER: RIVER OTTER because it is cuter. (Seattle)

3. Alliterative comedy: SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE vs. DUMB AND DUMBER (set close by, in Aspen)

TriStar Pictures / Everett Collection
New Line Cinema / Everett Collection

WINNER: DUMB AND DUMBER because it is funnier. (Denver)

4. Altitude: MILE HIGH vs. SEA LEVEL

Craig F. Walker / Denver Post / Getty
Grey's Anatomy

WINNER: MILE HIGH because it sounds cooler. (Denver)

5. Weather: RAIN vs. SNOW

Christopher Furlong / Getty
Brian Kersey / Getty

WINNER: RAIN because it is warmer. (Seattle)

6. Signature substance: COFFEE vs. MARIJUANA

Jose Cabezas / AFP / Getty
Kevin Cummins / Getty

WINNER: COFFEE because it is less likely to make you wonder if your friends hate you. (Seattle)

7. Musicians: JIMI HENDRIX, NIRVANA, AND SIR MIX-A-LOT vs. VERY FEW ARTISTS THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS HEARD OF

Elliott Landy / Premium Archive / Getty
Kevin Kane / Getty

WINNER: JIMI HENDRIX et al. because they are more accomplished than The Fray (right). (Seattle)

8. Signature industry: SOFTWARE COMPANIES vs. SKI RESORTS

Streeter Lecka / Getty

WINNER: SKI RESORTS because they are more rad. (Denver)

9. Baseball team: MARINERS vs. ROCKIES

WINNER: WHOEVER IS PLAYING AGAINST EITHER OF THESE TEAMS because neither is very good at the moment. (tie)

VERDICT

Jed Jacobsohn / Getty

It's a 4-4 tie, and the only tiebreaker is THE SUPER BOWL — which means that, for once, there's a lot riding on this game, as it will determine which of these cities we should keep and which we should burn to the ground.