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7 Reasons I Should Be The New Academy Awards Accountant

Dear PricewaterhouseCoopers, I’m the perfect candidate to replace your shamed accountant at the Oscars. Please note I don’t wish to be considered for any job except the one in front of the celebrities. Here are the reasons I am the best suited applicant:

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2. I’m Obsessive Compulsive About Everything

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I review things in my head over and over so “envelopegate” will never happen again. I once thought I left the stove on and returned all the way home from Thailand to check.

3. I’ve Always Wanted To Be A Celebrity.

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I’m very telegenic and this is the perfect opportunity for me to strut my stuff. The accountants always seem so awkward on the stage and I assure you I will change this trend.

4. I’m A Middle Child And Can Handle Confusion

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Should issues arise again at the Oscars, I will run back and forth on stage until everyone is happy or the guilt will absolutely kill me. I have personally led cease fires more precarious than the Middle East between my siblings.

5. I’ve Never Sent The Wrong Mail To The Wrong Person

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I’m an old fashioned girl and I still use snail mail. I’ve been personally sealing my own envelopes from a young age and I’m very familiar with their texture and purpose. I always get the right address even under pressure.

6. I’m Great At Giving Oscar Speeches On The Fly

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Heaven forbid there is another mixup, I’m always practicing speeches in my bathroom mirror and could definitely buy time talking about overcoming my fear of mushrooms.

7. I’m Always The Banker In Monopoly

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For years, my family has entrusted me with counting the money and doling it out when we play Monopoly showcasing my attention to detail. I’ve never made an error and have continually acquired Boardwalk and Park Place with little trouble.

I’m aware the job is fiercely competitive but I can think of no one more qualified than myself to save your firm. Yours truly, Blayr

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