back to top

11 Reasons You Couldn't Handle Being A Pirate

Forget the peg legs and parrots, people. Pirates were brutal, savage conquerors. For further proof, catch Black Sails, premiering in January on Starz.

Posted on

1. When your Wi-Fi goes out for a few minutes, you freak.

2. If someone offends you, the worst you're gonna do is unfriend them on Facebook.

3. When it comes to your health, you won't even buy the store-brand aspirin.

4. The restaurant put tomatoes on your sandwich, when you explicitly asked them not to! You should get the thing for free, right? For your suffering?

5. The extent of your bad-assery is missing the latest episode of your favorite show and going on Twitter the day after it airs.

6. So you think the elevator in your building smells weird today? Is that difficult for you?

7. You get grumpy when your local grocery store runs out of tater tots.

8. Feeling a little FOMO? A little left out?

9. So you went on a fun trip to Amsterdam after college, huh? Saw a lot of stuff?

10. When you get the tiniest headache, you pop three Ibuprofens and take a nap.

11. Oh, you got laid off? Sorry.

Are you prepared to pay the price and become a pirate?

Join the Nation of Thieves.