Li Shang (Mulan)
"Lovely Zayn hair."
"Nice eyebrows. An underestimated thing in a man."
"The only man that looks good with a semi-receding hair line."
'I'd like to see him in a grey cashmere jumper instead of that cloak – suave but casual."
"Grey is his colour."
"Imagine Shang in like, some nice Reiss threads. Or APC."
"He's such an APC man"
"He'd look good in loafers, I think."
"He strikes me as a guy who would wear a Barbour coat, but he wouldn't be a dick."
"It's crucial to note how he wouldn't be a dick."
"Definitely not a dick. So important. Because not many people can have a sword above their mantle piece and not look like a dick.
"Shang would be cool, aware of his privilege."
"He seems like one of those tough guys who's actually really sweet, you know?"
"Yeah, definitely. It's in his eyes."
"Do you think he likes dogs or cats?"
"Dogs too demanding. He needs his space."
"He's a dog man. You're all fools."
"He likes to take long walks alone to do thinking, which I guess you could do with a dog, but that would probably ruin his vibe."
"Long solitary walks! Yeah, he loves those."
"He'd be a tough win, because he's so serious, but then he'd probably bring you croissants and the paper in bed."
"Is Shang a good dad?"
"I think he'd be devoted to his own kids but wouldn't be one of those big kid men who plays football with their mates' kids."
"I think he's a lone warrior."
"Might need a bit of warming up, I think."
"The teachers would be so scared of him on parent-teacher day."
"The teachers would fancy him."
"And always has a canvas bag on him. So careful about the environment."
"Loves sorting the plastics from the paper, does Shang."
"He makes a mean – but simple and elegant – Sunday roast. Beef rib, roasted beetroots, cavolo nero, nothing more."
"He roasts his parsnips in honey."
"Rustic, elegant. That's Shang."
"He'd take you to a cabin and sneak along a bottle of good English sparkling wine. Not something brash or obvious like Champagne though. Too gauche."
"I think he's into whisky."
"Let's go to the wilderness together, Shang."
Adult Simba (The Lion King)
"Bumbling. Plays rugby."
"YES, RUGBY. A bit dim. But nice."
A 'happy-go-lucky' kinda guy?"
"Bit clumsy. Huge paws that he doesn't know how to use. He probably can't undo a bra."
"But he's adorable. Would buy you cute, useless gifts."
"But also a bit worthy – the kind of guy who would start tidying at a party when you were plotting ways to track down more booze."
"Yes, I imagine he's just like all dudes in their early 20s: clumsy, unsure on how to talk to women, emotionally restricted."
"Yeah, but Simba is the kind of guy you can't help but love because he's so kind."
"Kind, yes. But not fully formed."
"If he were a human he would have such good hair."
"He's seen so much."
"He's had a troubled upbringing. That makes me feel ~~~things~~~ for him, you know."
"I think his past trauma has probably affected him more than he lets on."
"He'd charm you into bed but probably never text."
"I don't think you'd be that bothered though."
"Is Simba more friend than boyfriend?"
"He'd be that friend you secretly want to get with but would regret it afterwards."
"Yeah, he's a 'mate' kind of guy. Maybe an accidental one-time thing."
"I think Simba claims to like women a lot, but secretly doesn't respect them that much."
"You'd be mates with him for the 'bants' and feel sorry for all the girls he clumsily fingered after a night at Inferno."
"I don't like Adult Simba."
"He's too in awe of his dad. No woman can match up to that majesty."
"Daddy issues up the wazoo."
"I wish he was just a little but more like Mufasa..."
"If only Mufasa had lived."
"Gone too soon.😞"
"His bants act is actually a cover for the fact that he doesn't think he can ever be as good as his dad."
"You'd have him on call for when you felt bad about yourself and he'd pretty much always be up to it."
"But on your way home, you'd think, 'man, that was actually quite a bleak fuck.'"
"We are analysing the shit out of adult Simba."
Trent Lane (Daria)
"Trent is a hottie."
"Trent is the guy at school in the year above you that you're terrified of speaking to."
"Your older brother's friend."
"And then at a party he offers you a joint and you keep the burnt end forever."
"I never watched Daria. Trent looks sad."
"Not sad. Cool. Aloof."
"Yeah you'd long for him to notice you for years and try and act cool, and when he finally notices you you'd play it totally cool and be like "oh, cool, yeah, i suppose we could date."
"So many 'cools'."
"You'd crawl through his Spotify and listen to what he liked and then be all, 'isn't the new Sunn O))) album good?' in his earshot."
"Later on in life, you'd realise that was so dumb."
"Would you admit that to him?"
"He'd laugh a little too cruelly. I think Trent is a little cruel, actually."
"Yeah – he'd take any chance to belittle you and then make out like it was a joke."
"You might end up hooking up with him at a party because he was trying to make someone jealous and then he'd be shit, and make you feel shit. Pretend it didn't happen."
"Guys, this guy doesn't sound that nice..."
"I fancied the shit out of him when I was a teen but I have qualms with that soul-patch as an adult."
"Only 15-year-olds like him – that's why he's always macking on you at parties."
"Cos then you get wise and think, 'FUCK THIS'."
"Your mum would NOT like Trent, I don't think."
"No, your mum would hate him. Because he'd be surly with her."
"Trent sounds like all the boys I knew when I was 17."
"Trent is the provincial lothario who steals your heart until you realise there are much better men everywhere else."
"You'd see him again one Christmas when you were 30 and he'd still have skater jeans and the soul patch."
"Then you move on to Shang."
"Do not pass Go, do not collect £200, go directly to Shang."
"Shang is the thinking woman's Trent."
"Everyone needs a Trent phase to appreciate the Shangs of later life. A necessary evil."
King Triton (The Little Mermaid)
"I am like... nah."
"Triton has rough but steady hands."
"Callused but tender hands."
"I think he'd wear good old band T-shirts, faded black jeans and nice leather boots IRL."
"Yeah, he'd ride a Harley."
"Triton would drink Guinness."
"He wouldn't take off those man bracelets."
"I am sorry, but i just don't look at him and think 'yes, that old man with a gross beard, I'd tap that.'"
"But his body is kinda banging."
"Yeah, he runs a surf shop in Cornwall, cos he sold his business when he was 44 and made a mint."
"Has a really nice house on the cliffs and great taste in music."
"But he's not too crusty – he'd take you to nice restaurants too."
"What restaurant though? A nice Italian."
"A classy joint."
"He orders the calamari for starters and pasta for mains."
"He's quite a chatty guy until he's by the sea. That's his quiet place.
"Good with kids, but doesn't want any with you. He's done with all that."
"Too old for that shit."
"But he's not anti-kid. Just meh-kid."
"He invites you over and puts on some weird, avant garde prog instrumental business and then cooks something exotic but simple, say a crab and chilli spaghetti and then gets you pissed on really expensive red wine."
"Would he have an acoustic guitar, though?"
"He probably would."
"I think he's a 'harp or nothing' kind of guy."
"'Harp or nothing,' he whispers."
"An electric harp."
"What a dick. You'd tell your friends about him, half-mocking, half-lovingly."
"Omg I love him. Wanky is my bag."
"He probably has a tiny, tiny dog though...a real ruffian of a dog for walking on the stormy beach, maybe."
"He has no time for pets. Animals would flock to him – but he'd never take ownership."
"They just turn up for the leftovers he chucks out, because he secretly likes them."
"I sense you're trying to push the pet thing on him. But would he truly want a pet?"
"He's not a man you could persuade to want a pet."
"Triton seems like a laugh, but he's actually troubled and hates himself. He's a lone wolf."
Baloo (The Jungle Book)
"Great cook, obvs."
"Baloo always makes way too much food because he's got loads of friends and he doesn't know who'll drop by. So he always has a big pot of something like chilli on the go. Or a barbecue."
"He's a happy-go-lucky man. Dare I say...cheeky."
"I'm attracted to maybe too many Disney characters, but I must admit this is not one of them."
"He has... banter."
"The subtle kind of banter."
"He's very, very chill."
"He reminds me of Chris Pratt."
"He probably smokes weed."
"Lots of weed."
"Loads of weed."
"He's a really good mate and fancying him really sneaks up on you unexpectedly."
"And then when you get together, your friends are like, 'You two should have got together ages ago!'"
"'Oh, I can't believe we didn't see it before!' they'll say."
"You'd end up with Baloo for years."
"Years and years."
"He's not got much sense of adventure, though."
"I feel like he probably makes furniture? For fun. Am I wrong?
"That's probably why you'd break up with Baloo in the end."
"He's Aidan from Sex and the City."
"Shit. He is."
"OMG. HE'S AIDAN."
"Except without the 'Nice Guy' element."
"Yeah, he's not overly Nice Guy, he's got a bit of edge – not too worthy."
"Your friends would never really get why you dumped him, but you'd be like, 'meh.'"
"Or maybe he tends a garden really lovingly?
"I think his garden would be organised mess."
"Bit of dirt, bit of plant, few pots."
"I can see him in the garden."
"He enjoys gardens."
"Might build decking and his own smoker."
"He'd ask you to move in three months after you started seeing one another, over breakfast on a Sunday morning."
"Yeah, breakfast over his homemade bamboo dining table."
"Would he have sex on the table?"
"Yes. It would probably collapse."
"And then you'd laugh about it."
"He wouldn't mind it breaking. He's not precious."
"I mean, it would be a sexy break."
"He'd build a new one and it would be your in-joke as to why that table was built. He'd give you a cheeky look when people complimented the new table."
"You'd get laid in the garden a lot."
"He likes outdoor sex."
"He is SO nature."
"Omg I think I'm in love with Baloo, actually."
"I've come a long way in fancying Baloo since the beginning of this conversation."
"I worry I'd get bored of Baloo in the the end, although I know he'd be the right one for me, really."
"You'd weigh it up and realise a simple Baloo life is better than always trying to second guess Triton."
"Great with kids and pets and mums."
"Everyone loves Baloo."
"Good old Baloo."
Mr Fox (Fantastic Mr Fox)
"I haven't seen Fantastic Mr Fox, but from that pic alone, I'd say yes, he's hot.
"I REALLY fancy Mr Fox."
"Look at the casual manner he has."
"Bet he leans really sexily."
"He's a bit cocky, but not enough to put you off."
"He's always a bit tired, or a bit hungover. But in a charming way."
"He's the kinda hot guy who knows that rolling up his sleeves instantly makes him 468,240,572,940 times hotter."
"You get a thrill when you see him."
"I think it was the bit where he lost his tail in the movie when I realised I loved him – he was so sad yet optimistic for the future. The fact that he's 3D just adds a whole new level to him. More depth."
"He does really filthy things."
"Yeah, filthy. Like, he'd teach you stuff. You'd be into it, though."
"You'd wonder where he learned it all for a second and then shrug it off."
"I get an older man vibe from him."
"He seems older but he's actually only a couple of years older. He's just quite wise and cynical."
"He'd rub mud all over you."
"Mud. Cheese, egg yolks, WHATEVER."
"You'd just learn to appreciate it greatly."
"HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. Stealing chickens, digging tunnels... Live fast, die young."
"He has an excellent wine selection. Reads a lot of Ernest Hemingway and likes to have a good time."
"Or actually, not Hemingway – Cheever. Loves a bit of Cheever.
"Good wine and great sex. That is all you need from an animated hottie."
"You'd smile ruefully, years later, when you remembered Fox."
"You wouldn't go out with him for long, but it would be for some un-drama reason like one of you was travelling or something. He'd always be a good, filthy memory."
"You'd only have one photo of him, that you'd look back on many years later in your foxless, repetitive life."
"Maybe you'd hook up every few years if your paths crossed."
"'Im in town. What r u up to?'"
"You might let him cross your mind when you were shagging Baloo..."
"You'd have to find SOMETHING to do when you were shagging Baloo."
Bob Belcher (Bob's Burgers)
"Bob smells like whatever was big just before you guys got married and he stopped caring about that stuff."
"Bob is husband material."
"Bob is your uni boyfriend that you still love even though he's let himself go."
"Bob is kind."
"Bob is a sweetie."
"He reminds me of Hal in Malcolm in the Middle."
"You'd have to force him to go somewhere nice."
"But he's a great dad."
"And not too 'Great Dad' about it. Just does what he does."
"Yeah, expects no medals."
"You have to do his laundry for him otherwise he just won't change his underwear."
"Gets cheap haircuts."
"Has good morals."
"Cheap haircuts, good morals, total sweetie."
"Ugh, Bob is great."
"The kids are always trying to trick him because they're little bastards."
"Bob doesn't mind though, he loves the little bastards."
"And it makes you more fond of him."
"Willing to work overtime to take his kids to Disney World."
"He's probably a very big advocate of Chicken Nugget Wednesdays, which he says is for the kids but actually just because he really likes chicken nuggets."
"Bob's all right at sex. No Mr Fox, but not clumsy either. He knows his moves."
"And every so often he surprises you, and you're like, 'oh!' and he says, 'I read about that in a book.'"
"And you're charmed AF all over again."
"Totally someone to grow old with."
"Like the husband in Up."
"He's a big hand holder. Just when you're sitting on the sofa."
"You and him were the cool couple at uni."
"People were like 'XXX and Bob are gonna be together forever'. AND YOU ARE."
"You showed them!"
Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
"Beast is not worth anyone's time."
"A rugged man, but a sensitive soul. The scene where he throws snow and eats soup from a bowl? Priceless."
"He's a total Nice Guy, fedora-wearing MRA."
"Hahaha. Or that."
"Like, he's hot, but he's so wrapped up in his own troubles that he'd never have any time for you."
"I hate Beast."
"He's just misunderstood. He's just scared to let people in. He needs a lot of attention."
"Nah, he's a dick."
"I mean, he is creepy AF when he, you know, locks her up and emotionally tortures her so she'll fall in love with him."
"Too sensitive. So sensitive he think's the world is out to get him."
"'The world is against me,' he wailed. Suck it up, man.
"He is terrified to let anyone in, because he kind of hates himself, and he's angry at himself for hating himself."
"Sometimes you just can't be helped. 😞"
"Fuck this guy. I don't need this self-loathing. Got plenty of my own, thanks."
"It's a vicious circle and i think that's why I refuse to not like him. He just needs love."
"He's the animal equivalent to an MRA. And a furry, perhaps."
"Beast is a meninist."
"He leads meninism."
"I'd be so embarrassed if he were my boyfriend."
"It would never get to that stage. His anger would block out your love."
"He would check your phone when you go to the toilet."
"You just wouldn't be allowed a phone in the first place."
"Sends girls abusive messages on Tinder if they don't reply quick enough."
"'So I saw you talk to that guy at that bar. What were you saying? Why were you smiling? TELL ME.'"
"Beast refers to burgers as 'man food'."
"He'd hate your guy mates."
"He would KILL your guy mates."
"He'd be a vigorous lover. Angry sex."
"He'd grunt and come too soon."
"You would die. It would be the last sex you ever had."
"A disappointment for all."
Top Cat (Top Cat)
"I love Top Cat."
"He's not your type but you shag him anyway because he's just so damn charming."
"He's so casual."
"I've always been envious of his subtle confidence and good social skills. Easy to talk to, Top Cat is."
"He likes jazz, I think?"
"Wears good suits."
"He knows all the best places to go drinking and dancing."
"Drinks strong, expensive booze."
"Reads great books."
"He looks so good in purple."
"Smells like Acqua di Parma."
"Top Cat has an expensive pen."
"But he's not a nob, he doesn't show off about that stuff."
"He works in publishing."
"For an old heritage house."
"I think I'm just imagining TC as Jude Law in The Holiday."
"Wears really nice crew-neck cashmere sweaters."
"John Smedley sweaters."
"He's really funny – can laugh at himself."
"He loves classic comedy and the new stuff too – loves Richard Pryor; loves Dave Chappelle."
"He's just so laid back, funny, smart, kind, buys you a drink when you go to the pub."
"Remembers your birthday."
"Says something really filthy or crude quietly to you in company and makes you whoop with laughter."
"I really like Top Cat."
"He chooses good restaurants – not too trendy but not too staid."
"Yeah, he's not pretentious."
"But he knows good shit.
"He's a pub guy. Chill."
"Could you be in a relationship with him though?"
"Yes. I mean, I hope."
"I think he'd have a wandering eye."
"He's just too damn charming."
"Wandering eye, but no cheat."
"He's a flirt but he's moral."
"Deeply moral. Like Atticus Finch."
"He is 100% perf relationship material. My mum would be so pleased for me if I brought Top Cat home."
"He gets you really drunk."
"And then tucks you in bed."
"But doesn't take advantage of you."
"Puts some Nurofen on your bedside table."
"And a glass of water."
"I think Top Cat is Bae, guys."
"I feel a bit emotional over here."
"Aladdin! Aladdin is a laugh."
"I like Aladdin.
"I would do anything for Aladdin."
"Not sure about his hair."
"Aladdin has been handsome all his life, I think."
"I really like his hair. Straight out of bed kind of man."
"He's really funny."
"Has no idea how hot he is, though."
"Yeah he's one of those guys that doesn't know."
"I really think he's maybe an 8/10."
"I think he comes from a close family, who have never had trouble expressing their love."
"Has loads of sisters. Really understands women."
"Totally gets women, but never says, 'I totally get women.'"
"Nah, it's totally instinctive."
"He just knows."
"But doesn't act like an idiot around them."
"And he has loads of male friends too."
"Just an all round good guy."
"Maybe tries too hard sometimes, though."
"A little bit. But that's because he's playing no games."
"Yeah, Aladdin just wears his heart on his sleeve and doesn't think to hide when he's fuck-drunk."
"Aladdin steals bread for you."
"Yeah, constantly giving you little gifts he's nicked form the local market..."
"That's his one flaw."
"He's totes a Robin Hood."
"He steals from Tesco because he considers it sticking it to The Man."
"He doesn't do big stealing, just ticks 'plain croissant' when he buys a pain au chocolat on the self service."
"Volunteers in a soup kitchen, doesn't make a song and dance of it."
"Like it's NBD."
"He's a member of a political party, but doesn't tweet every political story he reads. Just cares quietly. But willing to voice his opinion in a useful way."
"He definitely calls the RSPCA when he sees people being mean to animals."
"Aladdin never tweets "BREAKING" before a breaking story."
"He's not sanctimonious. He has no hot takes. He is smart without having to voice it on Twitter."
"He believes in cold takes, or no takes at all."
"He uses his heat to fight the good fight instead."
"Man, Aladdin is the one."