My fellow Americans, as you may or may not be aware, we are currently in the midst of a widespread and dangerous epidemic.
That's right, you heard correctly: an epi-fucking-demic.
Terrifyingly, we as a country have come toe-to-toe with an infectious, vile disease that is affecting thousands of innocent victims daily. To date, it appears to be incurable.
If education is the key to prevention, let us now educate ourselves so as to put an end to this crushing epidemic.
I'm talking about The American Fuckboy epidemic.
You see, hundreds of thousands of gorgeous guys are frolicking around our country masquerading as genuine, kind gentlemen with good intentions when, in fact, they are garbage with unimpressive boners and phones that apparently only work after 11 p.m.
By now I'm sure you have a general idea of what I'm talking about. You may even have someone specific in mind. In order to make yourself less susceptible to such fuckery in the future, let's review some of the most common symptoms of a fuckboy:
A) He has hair that looks like this:
B) He sends texts or DMs that look like this:
C) His name is on the list below:
D) At any given moment, his feet look exactly like this:
Though these are just a few of the many tell-tale signs that you're dealing with an actual fuckboy, they are certainly helpful. For further reference, you might consider the speech/actions of these various fuckboys from recent history:
Exhibit A: Danny Zuko
Exhibit B: Ross Geller
Exhibit C: Enrique the pool boy from Legally Blonde
Exhibit D: President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III
Exhibit E: Barney Stinson
There you have it. You should now be much better prepared to protect yourself from catching feelings for a fuckboy. Let's go forth and make America great again by saying goodbye to fuckboys in 2016! We wish you the best of luck during these trying times.
That is all. Thank you for your attention.
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