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Please, America, Let's Say Goodbye To Fuckboys In 2016

"Haha and then what ;)" —Every fuckboy ever

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You see, hundreds of thousands of gorgeous guys are frolicking around our country masquerading as genuine, kind gentlemen with good intentions when, in fact, they are garbage with unimpressive boners and phones that apparently only work after 11 p.m.

By now I'm sure you have a general idea of what I'm talking about. You may even have someone specific in mind. In order to make yourself less susceptible to such fuckery in the future, let's review some of the most common symptoms of a fuckboy:

A) He has hair that looks like this:


B) He sends texts or DMs that look like this:

Or this:

C) His name is on the list below:

Other names to be wary of include Jeff, Chad, Chris, Ryan, and Kevin.

D) At any given moment, his feet look exactly like this:


Though these are just a few of the many tell-tale signs that you're dealing with an actual fuckboy, they are certainly helpful. For further reference, you might consider the speech/actions of these various fuckboys from recent history:

Exhibit A: Danny Zuko


Fuckboyisms: Hooks up with Sandy, then exaggerates the extent of that hookup to his friends, then pretends she doesn't exist when he sees her at school; cares more about his car than anything.

Exhibit C: Enrique the pool boy from Legally Blonde


Fuckboyism: Blatantly lies about his relationship status while his boyfriend is in the room. (He also commits perjury, but that's another moral issue entirely.)


There you have it. You should now be much better prepared to protect yourself from catching feelings for a fuckboy. Let's go forth and make America great again by saying goodbye to fuckboys in 2016! We wish you the best of luck during these trying times.

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