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Dear Academy, Please Give Leo DiCaprio A Fucking Oscar
This is urgent.
Dear esteemed members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, there is a pressing issue that demands your immediate and undivided attention.
Brown 26 Productions
Certainly I am sorry to have to be the one to bring this glaring mistake to your attention, but it appears as if Leonardo DiCaprio, our nation's finest thespian and sexiest daddy, has never won one of your fancy awards.
20th Century Fox
Seriously, we're shocked too, Patrick.
Indeed, despite having been nominated for a whopping five Oscars, the former teen heart-throb — the man that sparked the sexual awakening of a generation — is still not able to call himself an Academy Award winner.
Paramount
*cue devastation, anguish, thirst, and despair*
20th Century Fox
Seriously...have you seen What's Eating Gilbert Grape???
J&M Entertainment
What about The Aviator??????
Miramax
Or Blood Diamond?????????
Warner Bros.
Any of these films could have — dare we say, SHOULD HAVE — won Leo an Oscar. Alas, due to what must have been a miscalculation on your end, Leo did not win for any of these incredibly nuanced performances.
Paramount
*cue soft sobs*
Paramount
Luckily for you, however, Leo has an incredible new film out just in time for Oscar season! That's right, The Revenant is your chance to remedy this whole situation!
Brown 26 Productions
All you have to do is correctly tally up the ballots, write the words "Leonardo DiCaprio" on a piece of paper, put it inside a fancy envelope, and hand it to Julianne Moore before she goes on stage to announce the winner for Best Actor.
Bazmark
It's actually that simple.
Amblin
So please, Academy, we're begging you: Don't fuck this up for him (us). Grace Leo (and all of America) with an award that he (we) fucking deserves, for once and for all.
Bazmark
That is all. Thank you for your consideration of this urgent matter.
NBC