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18 Of The Best Sex Toys You Can Get On Amazon

Or: "Proof That Sex Toys Are Just Human Genitals As Reimagined By Dr. Seuss."

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1. The California Exotics Butterfly Kiss vibrator, which delivers "ideal clitoral and G-spot stimulation."

I don't care what you say, this looks exactly like a house in Whoville.

Promising review: "I named him Sebastian. We have grown quite close these past few weeks. We are to wed in the spring." —CAVA24

Price: $8.99 // Rating: 3.8/5

2. This all-in-one cock ring, anal bead set, bullet vibrator, and soft clitoral brusher that is a straight-up carnival.

I mean, just look at this thing. "If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew. Just go right along and you'll start happening too." —Dr. Seuss

Promising review: "This item was totally worth the money. It's a ten out of ten, I would buy it again. I recommend this toy to everyone. It is firm, yet velvety soft, is just the right size and length, plus it's easy to hide. What more could I want?" —Heather Spreitzer

Price: $11.59 // Rating: 4.1/5

3. This two-pronged plug that softly, intensely flares open upon insertion.

Promising review: "Very fun toy. Somewhat reminiscent of trying to hold on to a catfish trying to insert it, but that's the nature of this thing. Once in, it feels very much like the fullness of a very large dildo without the hole getting strained to near tearing. I feared removal but it slid out like a wet eel. Reviewers have commented about it losing its shape rather quickly and no longer opening up very well. I can't speak to that as yet, but mine opened right back up when dunked in hot soapy water for all of about 10 seconds, so maybe toy cleaner isn't the best way to go with this. I doubt it would tolerate boiling water well, but painfully hot tap water opened it up like a flower in the sun." —Pinocchio Cozad

Price: $14.76 // Rating: 4/5

4. This totally Seussian double-sided glass dildo wand with ripples and nubs and textures galore.

One dick, two dick, I dick, you dick!

Promising review: "Exquisite! And hard to describe. My first glass piece did not disappoint. Beautiful to look at and even more so when enjoyed alone or with a partner. Perfect weight and literally resonates when used certain ways (especially the ridged end). Cooling or warming it adds a new experience. Cleverly designed for ultimate G/P spot sensation. A must-have for the glass curious!" —smokeshow@60

Price: $13.84 // Rating: 4.1/5

5. A corseted O-ring strap-on harness with a personal vibrating bullet that makes Christmas come for everyone.

Promising review: "At first this purchase was a mistake, but then I found out how wonderful the vibration is from the bullet, and how all my suction cup toys can be used with it, and how it is an open crotch so you can receive while giving, and I completely changed my mind." —Burnie

Price: $34.76 // Rating: 4.3/5

6. This Doc Johnson jelly plug graduated anal starter kit.

"If you never did you should. These things are fun, and fun is good." —Dr. Seuss

Promising review: "This is quite the set. At first glance the large looks crazy big, but if you're wanting to work up to using larger items, this is a great way to go. If taking larger items isn't your thing, it's still a good set." —M.Thibault

Price: $17.22 / Available in three colors // Rating: 3.9/5

8. This body-safe whirly swirly dildo that makes for a great introduction to glass toys.

Promising review: "I prefer glass wands more and more these days. This was no exception. I was worried that it might be a little too big for me. It fits just right. I loved the feel of the upraised glass coil around the wand. I felt that I was stroked in all the right places. Thinking about purchasing one in another color." —Angora Deb

Price: $7.10 // Rating: 4.2/5

10. This hollow plug that leads you down a tunnel of fun.

Promising review: "The small size fit perfectly, but I really really had to work my way to get this to fit, and honestly I thought I'd never get this to go inside me, but when it slid in.... Everyone's reviews were right. Once it slid right in I gasped so loud. It was such an amazing feeling." --Philliflippy

Price: $19.86 // Rating: 3.6/5

12. All the Master Series plugs down in Plugville — the tall and the small — by Doc Johnson.

Promising review: "Well, I started off smaller and then went to the Titanmen Tool #5 and then this big boy (#4) and almost passed out in ecstasy. This toy is incredible. This toy is for the intermediate to advanced, but it also depends on the person. The largest part is 2.6" around and will test you. The #5 is around 2.5" with a curve to hit the prostate area. Buy both and go for it!" —James Owens

Price: $17.79 each // Rating: 4.3/5

13. Will you come via Wand? Yes, you will indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

@magic_wand_rechargeable / Via

Promising review: "Better than the original Hitachi. First, it's quieter. Second, the battery life is amazing! I have yet to see it run completely out of battery power. Third, the quality and weight are top notch (many off-brands just feel cheap as soon as you pick them up). It's a joy to not have cords anymore. The variable speeds are nice for finding just the right sensation for your mood." —Mazoman

Price: $81.77 // Rating: 4.8/5

14. This double-bulb prism glass plug that can go in the back, or go in the front. The prism glass plug goes wherever you want.

Promising review: "I love this plug. I must say it was much bigger and heavier than I had imagined, but once I am able to get it all the way in, the weight makes me feel intensely full. Takes patience and time." —BH

Price: $15.30 // Rating: 4/5

15. The We-Vibe snug-fit vibrator that puts the power of pleasure in your hands (via remote) or your partner's (via app).

"It's fun to have fun but you have to know how." —Dr. Seuss

Promising review: "For those who wish to know (I'm in tech, and I totally wanted to know): You buy the thing. Bring the thing home. Unpack the thing. Plug it, and let charge, though (like most internal battery devices) there's a small charge when it arrives. Use this to test *operation*...just hit the button and see if it surprises you. If so, turn it off. To turn it off, you have to hit and hold the button like a laptop, just clicking it will only result in further surprises. (Ha!)

"Next, you download the app. He (wherever he is) downloads the app. You pair it to your phone. Now, find the invite-your-lover text message to him that includes a link. The link creates a temporary session on a server that is specific to your device. When he clicks, it opens his app and syncs his phone to your session on the server.

"If you've ever played an online game (think Call of Duty on your PS3 or Xbox), you know that you aren't talking to everyone playing Call of Duty, just the guys in your session. If you close your game, though, you can't hear them on your headset. Same thing here.

"Oh. And yes, it feels brain-blanking awesome. As my partner put it, 'This is way too much power for one person, Oh. My. God.'" —Ammie

Price: $96.99 // Rating: 3.2/5

16. The waterproof Wabbit vibrator, which has as many moving parts and functions as the Great Big Electro Who-Carnio Flooks.

@sextoyshow / Via

Promising review: "It is too bad that this product can only have five stars because it deserves far more. My boyfriend and I have had an incredible time with this little wabbit. The rotating beads are incredible and the rabbit ears are out of this world! It provides earthshaking orgasms and my boyfriend tells me how much he enjoys using it on me. This vibrator works wonders. The price was great too. I looked on several websites and they cost as much as $55, and this gives you so much more than a bang for your buck." —Sra

Price: $32.50 // Rating: 3.5/5

17. This teeny-tiny whisper-quiet vibrating wocket in your pocket.

Promising review: "Love it. Easy to handle. Easy to use. Uses rechargeable batteries! Went to a toy party and they were selling this item (same brand, same item) for three times this price, so that makes the buy even better." —Felicia

Price: $9.99 // Rating: 3.7/5

18. And this tiny cordless vibe that packs a punch. Lots of punches. Lots of little, consecutive punches by magic angels bliss-boxing your clit.

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one." —Dr. Seuss

Promising review: "I literally was shocked. I'm a power girl. All my other vibes are the corded variety — Hitachi, Eroscillator, etc. I have had a few other minis and just never could get there. This thing has a rumbly strong sensation that puts other bullets/minis to shame. It is not corded so it might not be in that league, but it is close which is simply unbelievably amazing for a small discreet vibe. This one will get you there." —Allin

Price: $40.49 // Rating: 3.9/5

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