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Feb 2, 2017

New Amazon Dash Buttons, Ranked By Ridiculousness

On a scale of 1 to useful: meat dress.

Hey, people who buy things!

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You may have heard of Amazon Dash Buttons, the brand-specific buttons that send household necessities right to your door with a single click?

Amazon just introduced a bunch of new ones...and some are pretty sweet!

Comedy Central / Via giphy.com

Others...

Here are some highlights, ranked in order of utter uselessness! Let's take a look!

17. Don't Go Nuts Nut-Free Foods

amazon.com

This one i kinda get! Food allergies are a bitch, and it helps to have safe food options consistently in stock!

16. Seventh Generation Baby Wipes

amazon.com

Okay, whatever, this one I also understand! With a brand new wee one to feed and raise and change and hold, you're overwhelmed and exhausted! What could possibly be better than just *booping* necessities like baby wipes into existence?

15. Seventh Generation Bath Tissue (Toilet Paper)

amazon.com

Okay this is where it starts getting...questionable! Do we all need toilet paper? You bet! But the only time I can imagine people using this button is in case of emergencies? At which point two-day delivery is totally useless? Like, is an automatic re-order button the only thing that separates us from a world where people apathetically drip-dry until their next TP shipment? I have concerns!

14. Nexium

amazon.com

Now I am neither a doctor nor a casualty of acid reflux, but something tells me if you're ordering THIS much Nexium, THIS regularly, it might be time to explore some alternatives to Nexium!

13. GURU Organic Energy Drinks

amazon.com

Idk you guys, this one has me imagining that someone, somewhere out there, is experiencing a sad, cyclical conundrum of wanting to order energy, but not having enough energy to order their energy, because they're out of energy. 😕

12. Clorox Toilet Wand

amazon.com

Oh Jesus, finally! Near-instantaneous access to toilet wands! All that poop residue was *justttt* getting to be too much!

11. Bausch & Lomb PreserVision Eye Vitamin Mineral Supplement

amazon.com

Do you have enough eyeball strength to read this post? To locate your Bausch & Lomb Amazon button? You probably don't need this button.

10. Kingsford Charcoal

amazon.com

What would Ron Swanson say if he saw you e-order charcoal from a little futuristic pushbutton.

9. Sheila G's Brownie Brittle

amazon.com

Don't get me wrong, I LOOOOVE me some Sheila G's! But you guys, one-touch access to 9.4 lbs of brownie brittle...? You guys.

8. Cheez-It

amazon.com

Okay same as brownie brittle, unless, like, you got roped into bringing the snacks for the kids' soccer team every week. In which case, that's too much responsibility for one person! Respect yourself, make Donna do it!

7. Clif Bar

amazon.com

Can you climb a cliff? You can shop for Clif Bars.

6. Vermont Smoke & Cure

amazon.com

The image of the farmer looming over his unsuspecting livestock with a shovel is kind of an uncomfortable reminder of the IRL ramifications of you owning an on-demand meatstick button.

5. Dixie Paper Products

amazon.com

Just take a second and really consider the impact you may have on the environment if you consume paper goods at a pace so rapidly you need single-click access to immediate shipments of more.

4. EAS Sports Nutrition

amazon.com

You know what helps you get in shape? Moving! Maybe go to the store on your legs and pick up your sports nutrition with your hands? Idk, not an expert!

3. KY

amazon.com

This one has three fun order options! One of them is $18 worth of dick anesthetic. Another one is $38 worth of dick anesthetic!

2. Expo Dry Erase Markers

amazon.com

COME ON.

1. Dang Coconut Chips

amazon.com

I can't even look at you.

OWN / Via securelyinsecure.tumblr.com

The future, you guys!

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