What’s up, Buzzfeed? I’m Beth, and FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m a Bachelor Superfan.
I can’t say that I’ve been watching since the iconic first season way back in 2002, but I have been a part of #BachelorNation since well before anyone had heard of Brad Womack. I used to watch the show with my mom and sisters as a kid (dreamy Dr. Travis, anyone?), and now I watch it in my adult apartment with my adult beverages, much to the chagrin of my level-headed and disapproving roommates.
I go the whole nine yards on this franchise, including The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad (RIP), Bachelor in Paradise, ATFR, MTA/WTA, wedding specials, Jimmy Kimmel interviews, live-tweeting, social media-stalking old contestants (not sorry), and everything else you can think of.
Suffice to say, I was well-acquainted with Nick Viall and VERY set in my opinions of him eons before they dropped ~the most dramatic news in Bachelor history~ and named ‘The Other Guy’ Bachelor #21. I was not pleased. In fact, I hadn’t been so upset with their choice since Farmer Chris Soules! Wait that’s a joke, we all know Juan Pablo was the worst choice!! NO, it was when they made Kaitlyn and Britt compete for Bachelorette!!! Ok fine, this show makes more bad decisions than I do four drinks deep on a Saturday night. But like my many other bad habits, I just can’t quit it.
So after the ever-sneaky producers snatched the rose-scented Bachelor rug right out from under Army Vet Farmer Luke (who, let’s be honest, would just be Chris Soules 2.0) I turned up my nose and pretended for about .0005 seconds that I wouldn’t watch. JOKES, who am I kidding??? The Bachelor and I are bound together for all eternity, and on Monday nights at 8 you’re going to have to pry the TV remote from my cold, dead hands.
And now I’m not only watching, but I’m ready to share my thoughts with you, the Buzzfeed Community. Unfiltered, uncensored, and probably inappropriate. (I’m really just looking for some validation that I’m not the only member of #BachelorNation who needs to get a new hobby. Join me, maybe we can form a support group??) Here we go!
1. Yes, yes, YES I’m already caring less that Nick is the Bachelor I’M JUST SO READY FOR A NEW SEASON.
2. The music on this show should honestly have several Emmys.
3. Oh wow, they’re already calling him the most controversial Bachelor in history and a bad boy?? That’s a bit of a stretch. He may be a bit of a famewhore, but dude is VANILLA.
4. I wonder if there’s a Bachelor Boot Camp you have to go on to get ripped as fuck before these half-naked montages are filmed. Because we all know Nick looked NOTHING like this slab of beefcake on Andi’s season. Please.
5. As a Chicago resident I am personally offended by this. Please exclude us from Nick’s narrative ASAP.
6. “I’m as surprised as you are.” Yeah, but not nearly as surprised as Luke LMAO
7. Producer: Ok we’re just going to film you walking down Michigan Avenue like you’re headed to work
Nick: But I literally haven’t been a software sales rep since 2014
Producer: It’s fine, just take these headphones and try to look 25
8. Oh my goodness this old footage is GOLD
9. He was such a little dweeb with the HAIR and the BOWTIE.
10. Ok I may strongly dislike Nick but you cannot deny the Bachelor glam squad hooked this sonofabitch up. What did they do to his hair? His 2016 hair is magic.
11. God, I miss Andi and Kaitlyn. And let’s not forget the absolute smokeshow that is Jen Saviano, his BIP fling. Can we make her the next Bachelorette please??
12. I LOVE when Bachelors/contestants claim to be from a major city and then show up on their hometown date in a random suburb. So for those of you outside the Midwest, Waukesha isn’t even in Illinois. It’s in goddamn Wisconsin. Don’t try to play us, Nicky.
13. Could not care less about his family/sister/prom photos backstory though. Where are all the drunk girls?
14. I bet the Viall family has their own Bachelor trailer since their son has been on so many hometowns.
15. LOL that Whole Foods worker is me except if Nick wasn’t Nick and he was actually Sean Lowe.
16. YES OMG IT IS SEAN LOWE and Boring Ben and Farmer Chris BUT SEAN!!!
17. Please tell me guys follow him on Instagram / he has a new baby with Queen Catherine / he is ADORABLE / his captions are hysterical / just go follow him right now.
18. Sean is so savage, he just called Nick a toolbag and said America hates him to his face. He is forever the best Bachelor this franchise has ever seen FIGHT ME ON THIS.
19. Also love that Nick is the newest Bachelor and yet he’s oldest one at this table. Homeboy is 36 years old. I wonder if they Just For Men’d his hair to hide the grays.
20. I wish I could make a joke about him being the oldest Bachelor but trusty Brad Womack was a whopping 38 years of age when he filmed his second season in 2010. THIRTY-EIGHT. And he picked Emily Maynard who was TWENTY-FOUR at the time. I’ve been cringing for the past seven years. Fingers crossed Nick goes for a 22 year old to keep the skeevy-ness alive!! /rant
21. Wow the way Ben talks reveals he is still in total Bachelor-mode. Either that or he should just be a motivational speaker.
22. Um alright if the juiciest promo they have to show is girls getting upset that they all wore red dresses, we may be in for a long, bland season. Joy.
23. CHRIS HARRISON, HAY BOI
24. Would kill to have a mimosa in a robe with him tbh.
25. Hah, the first girl they show is an attorney? Andi vibes to the max.
26. OMG this staged vacuum cleaner dancing?? Please make it stop??? The Bachelor producers are so extra.
27. But she’s definitely going to be the “way too intelligent to be on this trash fire reality show” girl. Not bad. Wifey #1.
28. Nail Girl is wearing hella extensions, but if she actually has three businesses at 27 that’s damn impressive. Props.
29. “Pleasantly surprised” = was super pissed at first but got over it because TV.
30. Ok Vanessa already reminds me of Jen Saviano. Tall, hot brunette? Totally Nick’s type.
31. She has major frontrunner potential, Wifey #2.
32. Good lord, here we go. 24 year old crazy-eyes Josephine will absolutely be sticking around until the halfway point, wreaking havoc on the group dates and eventually setting the mansion on fire. Psycho #1.
33. This tiny little southern girl just described mudding, shooting guns and reading her bible as things to do for fun. City boy Nick is going to LOVE that!!
34. But she has her own boutique? This shit will never work out. Her / Nail Girl are not going to abandon their businesses to move to Chicago with Nick. And can we really see his cardigans and bowties in rural Arkansas?? She’ll probably stick around until hometowns which will ultimately break them up, a la Andi and Farmer Chris. Whomp whomp.
35. However, everything she’s wearing and selling in her store looks like something right out of Lollapalooza / Coachella, so what do I know?
36. Holy SHIT Corinne you know you stole that pool floaty idea from Legally Blonde.
37. Did she just say she has a nanny? ...does she mean maid??
38. You’re not a businesswoman, your dad is rich and gave you a BS job at his company.
39. Already hate her. She’s DEFINITELY not here to make friends. Psycho #2.
40. Damn, this girl is major Jersey Shore material. Also thinks of herself as weird and quirky? Psycho #3.
41. UGH. True love music, baby nurse, from Nashville, unnecessarily soft angel voice?? Wifey #3! But also seems boring. Will be in the final two.
42. Hmmm, a 23 year old mental health counselor. Way too young to be in serious contention. But impressively has a degree from Johns Hopkins!
43. Yeah, she seems fine right now, but is totally giving off a “Smart-Crazy” feel. Reminiscent of Kelsey on Chris Soules’ season. Never forget Sanderson Poe.
44. Ooooooh I am LIVING for the drama that this Wedding Hookup will bring!! I hope he doesn’t remember her.
45. But also she’s so so pretty and dear god if we’ve learned one thing so far it’s that Nick has SUCH A TYPE #brunettes
46. Ok, time for the shitshow limo exits! Arguably the best part of the entire season.
47. Wow, Nail Girl gets the honor of First Out? I mean, I guess those boobies are second to none. Hope she’s got some tape/glue in there to avoid a nip slip.
48. Wow, definite no to this Yellow Fan Girl. Her first words to him were, “How crazy do you think I am right now?” Not a promising start!
49. “I would not be here if it wasn’t you” said Angela, the 26 year old model.
50. Lauren is cute, but the disgusting slut comment was nottttt
51. Oh goodness, that runner-up schtick was adorable.
52. NEIL LANE which producer is responsible for this??? “Yeah, just show him what engagement ring you want 10 seconds out of the limo, it’ll be great.” So savage.
53. Wow, this turned into a sex convo REAL QUICK. I really hope he picks the 23 year old photographer whose memorable entrance was going commando. I REALLY REALLY DO.
54. Ok that Liz entrance was hella awkward. Does he remember her? I’m going with yes, because she didn’t tell him her name and he also didn’t ask for it. Fishy.
55. I’m sure this will play out dramatically over the course of several weeks. Here for it.
56. Ok, he remembers her. But the real question is: when will the pressure of the house get to Liz, causing her to spill the beans that she banged Nick months ago, resulting in an absolute tailspin meltdown mansion-wide???
57. Hopefully next week, if we’re lucky.
58. Ugh, Corinne. Next.
59. WOOOOOW Vanessa’s dress is so stunning and he called her a keeper. She going farrrrrr.
60. Nashville is giving him maple syrup and talking about French Toast. She’s so sweet my teeth hurt.
61. Raven is still small and cute and teaching him southern spirit calls. She’s a small-town varsity cheerleader if I’ve ever seen one.
62. Damn, Jaimi sticks out like a sore thumb, and not just from the bad balls joke. She’s...straightforward? And not wearing a gown? And kind of a badass? I love her??
63. “Beard massage” = I’m going to scratch your face twice, laugh awkwardly and walk away. Pick me!!
64. Wow, that hot dog in a book gag was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. Good ol’ Josephine, already delivering on her psycho role.
65. “Why didn’t I think of a camel?” An actual sentence spoken on this actual show.
66. Ohhhh Jersey Shore. That’s a goddamn shark. But you tried, honey.
67. “He’s breathtaking in person” Well they’re certainly not shy about laying it on thicc
68. I wonder if they took a Red Dress picture because if not that was a wasted opportunity.
69. Ooooh Rachel went to Marquette Law School which is super close to Waukesha.. This pleases Sir Nick. He’s so digging her.
70. I feel like Yellow Dress may not be the worst, but she’s coming on way too desperate tonight. Pump the breaks.
71. LOL at that convo about Nail Girl’s titty dress. Keep it in your pants, boy.
72. Careful Corinne, if you get too close to Nick with your sack of money your hair extensions might smother him.
73. Damn, if Vanessa really and truly called Nick as the Bachelor she is the ONLY ONE in the WHOLE WORLD who did, and they should just marry now.
74. Corinne already fucking shit up #villainsgottavill
75. He did NOT just say “Do I have to give you a token?” after they made out!!
76. Good lord, nothing like some good old fashioned prostitution implications.
77. Nicholas, this is a family network. For shame.
78. He hopes none of the women saw them kiss. Every woman saw them kiss. Classic Bachelor brains.
79. LMAO at Liz reminding us all who was actually the first to kiss him. Queen.
80. Oh, looks like Jasmine has villain potential. She’s crying and complaining that she’s never had to fight for a man’s attention before. Good thing she signed up to find love on a COMPETITION REALITY SHOW.
81. Literally none of you have been in a situation like this before. Get a fucking grip or this show will eat you alive.
82. Corinne thinks Jersey Shore is using the shark suit to hide the fact that she’s fat and I’m gonna strangle her with her own goddamn hair HOLD ME BACK, KEEP HER OUT MY SIGHT, SECURITYYYYYYY
83. Wow I was ready for her to leave yesterday. Too bad the producers will keep her on for approximately five more weeks. DAMN YOU, ELAN GALE.
84. Jersey Shore is in the pool in her suit. Jealous though, that pool is so iconic.
85. And also probably full of STDs from past seasons.
86. Nick tells her if she takes off the suit he’ll send her home and it’s actually kind of funny. What’s happening to me. SOS
87. “I don’t want you to think that I’m only here because you’re the Bachelor. Which is why I didn’t give you my phone number. And ignored you for nine months. But then immediately came on TV when given the chance.”
88. Like, props to Nick for calling her out. It doesn’t look good for her.
89. I think the reason Liz came on the show can be narrowed down to two options: 1) Bachelor producers were at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, saw Nick and Liz getting it on. When they chose Nick for Bachelor, they contacted Liz and convinced/paid her to come on the show for drama and ratings. 2) When Liz heard Nick would be the new Bachelor, she got producer contact info from Jade and Tanner and asked them to put her on, likely for fame.
90. Either way, it’s not genuine. She didn’t come to fall in love with Nick, but that doesn’t mean she won’t stick around until the end and consider it.
91. LOL at the model quoting Carrie Bradshaw
92. Baby Nurse is making true love googly eyes at Nick and it’s too much for night one.
93. HELLS YAS Rachel gets the First Impression rose!! It tends to not work out (Crazy Olivia got Ben’s), but I have high hopes for her. Snaps for Nick.
94. I feel like I’ve been watching this episode for six hours. Is it rose ceremony time yet? Maybe I need another drink…
95. Ok, Accent Girl (Russian?) is having a total meltdown. Someone get HER a drink.
96. Fuck yeah, Vanessa got the first rose! He must have gone back and forth between her and Rachel for the FIR. Smart.
97. So far, no big surprises. He picks the Russian Meltdown Girl and her tears dry right up.
98. But I am shocked he picked Baby Nurse so far down the list. Thought for sure she’d be in the top five.
99. “And she’d be like, ‘Oh, good try’ with her flipper. And I’d be like, ‘Fuck you, this sucks.’”
100. I am DYING at that comment holy shit. The first truly funny moment of the night. Who was that?? PICK HER.
101. Wow, he picked Liz last! I’m so surprised! I feel shocked! Who saw that coming! OMG!
102. Damn I totally forgot about Lauren but why did he send her home?? She’s a TEN. He must really not like blondes because on any other season she’d be top three and in the running for The Bachelorette. Like, every season has a cute blonde Lauren at the end, right? Isn’t it in the Bachelor handbook??
103. The preview scenes at the end are honestly the best part of the premiere BRING ON THE DRAMA!
104. Please tell me his two-on-one date will leave one of the girls on this snow-covered mountain PLEASE.
105. Did they just say Finland?? Shit, that is cool.
106. There does seem to be a lot of winter in this preview...maybe he got enough sun on BIP?
107. WHOA WAIT.
108. JAIMI JUST SAID SHE HAS AN EX-GIRLFRIEND.
110. Is she the first openly queer contestant on The Bachelor franchise?? I am SO EXCITED, FINALLYYYY.
111. I told you guys I liked her.
112. ARE THOSE THE BACKSTREET BOYS WHAT THE FUCK?????????
113. WHY AM I NOT ON THIS SEASON???
114. WOW life isn’t fair.
115. Yes, the Liz shit will hit the fan and I am ready.
116. But don’t be fooled by that random slap thrown in there, guarantee that’s some bullshit acting group date and has nothing to do with real drama. YOU CAN’T PLAY ME, PRODUCERS.
117. When Vanessa cries she sure looks a lot like Andi.
118. I can’t even comment on Corinne’s platinum vagine nonsense. I’m just going to pretend she doesn’t exist.
119. Looks like he’s proposing in a ski lodge. Still better than a barn.
120. But will he fuck everything up and be alone forever?? STAY TUNED!