Nicky’s getting himself into allllll kinds of trouble and I’m here to document my every ridiculous thought. Catch up on my first episode post here!
1. Here we go, ladies and gents.
2. Hmm, it looks like we’re getting started on the drama quite early this season. Which seems 10000% accurate for Nick, considering he lives, breathes and sleeps drama.
3. Poor Rachel, giddy about the cursed first impression rose. Never forget Crazy Olivia.
4. Chris Harrison: What did you ladies like about Nick?
Ladies: *gush about Nick’s hot bod”
Chris Harrison: Very cool. Moving on.
5. He’s getting a tad #toooldforthisshit no?
6. LOL when they show girls reacting to the ‘not everyone gets a date every week’ line.
7. Have you never watched this show??
8. Corinne, not one single person is shocked that no woman ever trusted you with being her bridesmaid. Anyone? Surprised? Nope.
9. Ha, ok them driving themselves to the date is kind of hilarious. Were they all out of limos at Enterprise?? #budgetcuts
10. ‘Let’s run through the mansion looking for our collective boyfriend!!!!!’
11. DEAD at Jersey Shore introducing herself to Nick. That was gold.
12. UM OK NICK YES let’s rest for a second at your claim that you weren’t the best at group dates. YOU WERE THE WORST. So how do plan on selling these women on the most ridiculous shit they’ll have to do on group dates for the next 10 weeks when you were THE NUMBER ONE WHINER AND DIVA PRINCESS of group dates for 2 insufferable seasons?? Did they go over this in Bachelor Boot Camp??? Omg
13. ‘Taking wedding photos on our first date is a big deal’ said the girl who BROUGHT ENGAGEMENT RINGS + NEIL LANE TO HER LIMO EXIT
14. These bitches.
15. Oooo peep those Lorac Contour Kits in the makeup montage #notsorry
16. Holy shit, Jersey Shore didn’t know what a shotgun wedding was? She thought they would give her guns?? I love her???
17. Lmaooo Taylor thinks Corinne is purposely bragging about kissing Nick in front of her to psych her out because they have a strong connection YOU ONLY MET THE MAN 12 HOURS AGO and Corinne will brag in front of literally anyone with ears.
18. So pump those breaks, Tay.
19. GODDAMN, BRITTANY IS BANGIN’
20. It’s funny because I have the natural hair length to complete that Adam & Eve outfit but the burritos, pizza and nacho history to prove it doesn’t matter.
21. Wow Nick can’t even pretend to to be hardcore enough for a biker wedding wow.
22. OMGGGG Jersey Shore with her gun and cowboy boots I CAN’T
23. They’re all adorable but the ‘tastes like Danielle’ line is the winner.
24. Yeah Taylor has a one-way ticket to CrazyTown and we all have FRONT ROW SEATS.
25. Liz is soooo not gonna be able to keep her Wedding Hookup secret for 10 more minutes. Girl is weak and bursting to brag!
26. Seriously I hope they gave Brittany some pasties or hair tape or something because this is insane.
27. Corinne is so petty and insecure and I just feel sad for her.
28. She literally made him grab her bare tits in front of 10 other women HOW TRASHY CAN YOU GET???
29. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh hate her
30. Love that the other girls also already despise her.
31. JFC Nick is just making the makeout rounds, isn’t he?? This is gonna be the season of STDs, no doubt.
32. Blah blah, we’ve all been cheated on, we’re better people, we’re all kissing Nick, this is boring.
33. I honestly can’t get past the fact that Southern Girl’s actual name is Raven. It’s so not Raven. But she makes clothes, and that IS so Raven. I can’t stop myself. Send help SOS.
34. Yah, color me shocked that Baby Nurse got the first one-on-one. Nick was drooling all over his goddamn self over her. Snooze.
35. Oh shit, Corinne is TRIPLE-DIPPING on the FIRST group date??? These girls are gonna crucify her bottle-blonde ass.
36. OMG SHE IS NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT TAYLOR TAKING HIM BACK
38. YOU WENT IN FOR THIRDS SWEETIE
39. Taylor should have told you to just fuck off in the first place jeeeeeeez
40. She’s gonna need to tone it down a tad.
41. And Jasemine is not here for any single piece of her shit.
42. But truth b honest, Corinne is 24 and Taylor is 23. WEEKLY REMINDER THAT NICK VIALL IS 36. If he picks anyone under 27 I’m out.
43. Well, let the lesson stand, everyone. If you show a guy your tits, steal him 3 times on one date, and suck face with him at every turn, you’ll be rewarded!!!! Nick is such a great Bachelor!!!!!
44. ‘If Nick likes someone who is just leading with their sexuality, no wonder it’s his fourth time.’ DRAG HIM, RAVEN YESSSSSS
45. Nick and Baby Nurse just landed a helicopter on a yacht HOW FUCKING EXTRA
46. Christen: Liz if you tell me your Big Secret I swear I won’t tell ANYONE
Christen: *tells the entire mansion, Nick, Chris Harrison, producers, and the next-door neighbors*
47. LOL at Baby Nurse pretending to not know Nick’s sob story. EVERYONE KNOWS.
48. She’s trying to be the hot mysterious outsider and we are not falling for it!!
49. Oh look, Baby Nurse has a sob story too. Now they match.
50. Wowowow she got the rose and now they’re making out on a ferris wheel.
51. This is such riveting TV I’m gonna need another glass of wine (or several)
52. This group date seems suspiciously small….weren’t there like 15 women on the bride shoot date?
53. The Museum of Broken Relationships AKA The Bachelor Franchise History Museum.
54. Legend has it that there’s a hanky in there Brad Womack once yakked into after rejecting his first season final two.
56. Nothing says romance like showing my 6 new girlfriends the engagement ring I picked out for my old girlfriend. And a dead ass flower.
58. That couple’s fight was 100% believable
59. Did none of them catch onto this shit ?
60. Who tf are these women they cast on this show. I swear to god.
61. Yeah, no shit Nick is nervous around and avoiding Liz. HE DIDN’T WANT TO KEEP HER. But PRODUCERS and RATINGS. Get with the Bachelor program, Christen.
62. Omg can someone wake me when these dumbass group dates are over?
63. I honestly hate this.
64. They’re all awkward, and Nick, President of the I hate Group Dates Fan Club, is terrible at pretending like he’s having a good time.
65. Wow and there’s the slap they incorporated into every season promo reel that always looked totally real and no one knew at all that it was part of a BS acting group date NO ONE NOT EVEN ME
66. Jokes I could write this damn show.
67. Why is Liz like, wearing a blanket around her wrists? Like not even draped on her shoulders? Why is she doing this to us??
68. Oh shit, Liz is going innnnn on this mf’er
70. Christen is having a cow right now because she’s the only one who knows about the drama. She CANNOT TAKE IT.
71. Nick is so paranoid the women will find out about his Wedding Hookup That Followed Him On TV it’s adorable.
72. Yes yes yes Jaimi you tell him about your ex girlfriend YOU TELL HIS PUNK ASS
73. God Nick is about to burst a blood vessel in this convo with Christen.
74. I hope he shits his pants.
75. UGH there’s only 10 minutes left, there’s no way we’re getting a rose ceremony.
76. IT’S ONLY WEEK TWO, PRODUCERS. COULD YOU MAYBE STAY ON TRACK FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES??
77. You honestly could have just cut Baby Nurse’s whole date and no one would have noticed.
78. We. Want. A. Rose. Ceremony.
79. We. Hate. You.
80. God Liz has absolutely no argument here. Nick is 1000% right.
81. ‘I don’t like phone conversations’ ‘I knew you were busy’ she’s not even grasping at straws. IT’S TOOTHPICKS.
82. She’s either here for fame or producer money and Nick is about to cut her ass loose.
83. Daaaaaaamn she out on her ass
84. Lmaoooo To Be Continued
85. They’re all acting like he fucking shot someone.
86. We can all name FOUR PEOPLE that Nick has publicly slept with, and he’s a complete stranger to us.
87. (Andi, Kaitlyn, Jen & Liz)
88. Like, it’s no secret that boy likes to get it on.
89. If this deteriorates the mansion on WEEK TWO, it’s gonna be a helluva long season.
90. Thank god I don’t plan on missing a week!!!!!!!