Baseball Cards For Every Type of Fan

A card for every fan and a beer for every occasion. Crack open a BEST DAMN Root Beer, BEST DAMN Apple Ale, or BEST DAMN Cherry Cola to celebrate the first pitch of the season.

1. Really Wants to Be on the Jumbotron

Bio:

Covering more ground than anyone else in the stands, this sociable fan has appeared on gigantic screens across nearly every stadium. Using a unique combination of clever hand-painted signage and conventional arm-waving tactics, she has proven her ability to win the attention of even the most oblivious cameramen.

Stats:

Motto: "Wooooohooooo!"

Favorite pose: Peace signs with both hands

Appearances on "kiss cams": 9

Brightness of attire: Very high

Percentage of face painted: 70%

2. Just Here for the Beer

Bio:

This veteran's experience navigating overcrowded lines for refreshments has made him an invaluable asset to friends at the game. Despite multiple seasons of impressive beer-drinking, his non-beer-holding arm has remained strong enough to deliver powerful high fives in response to action on the field. That is, of course, during the rare moments when he actually sees the action on the field.

Stats:

Avg. time spent at concession stand per game: 81 min

Botched foul ball catches: 3

Plays actually watched: 7

Favorite type of beer: BEST DAMN Brews

Seagulls mistaken for cats: 1

3. Overzealous Wave-Starter

Kevin Valente / BuzzFeed

Bio:

This superfan came out of nowhere last year with a fiery spirit and unparalleled team loyalty. Although her “Let’s go!” chants rarely attract more than one or two other spectators to join in, her commitment to boosting crowd morale is still an inspiration to those in the stands.

Stats:

Wave attempts: 47

Successful waves actually started: 0

Cheering volume: 101.2 dB

Giant foam hands at home: 7

Drinks spilled: 12

4. Trivial Trivia Master

Bio:

Equipped with more knowledge than the broadcasters themselves, the Master conjures stats based on the most minute details of players' careers. On the rare occasion where her memory fails to produce the information in question, she also excels at quickly looking up facts on her phone. The only question she can't answer is where the car is parked.

Stats:

Avg. internet searches per game: 22

Thesis paper: Characterizing Density Distribution of Particles: a Dynamic Assessment of Knuckleball Physics

Arguments won: 234

Arguments lost: (depends who you ask)

5. Casual Critic

Bio:

As a high school hero, she threw more strikeouts than any other pitcher in the tristate area. Now, as a freelance interior design consultant, she tosses out critiques at professional players with the speed of a hall-of-famer.

Stats:

Motto: "They should have bunted."

Favorite reaction: Exasperated scoff

Questionable claims per game: 6

Confidence in the third-base coach: Low

No-hitters she threw in high school: 2 (not verified)

6. Sorry I’m Late

Bio:

Like an efficient relief pitcher, this unpunctual pal's arrival brings a renewed sense of energy to fans who are fatigued after several innings of cheering. And although he hasn't logged much time in the stands due to his constant lateness, he makes up for any inconvenience by always covering the last few rounds of drinks.

Stats:

Motto: "You should have seen the traffic."

Percentage reliability: 7%

Excuses given: 48

Apology beer rounds purchased: 3

Avg. amount of spectating per game: 2.6 innings

7. “I Remember When...”

Bio:

As the most senior fan in the crowd, this old-timer has a lot of tales to tell about the "good old days" of baseball — some of which might even be true. Although his claims to have once seen Mickey Mantle blast a 700-foot "dinger" may be exaggerated, his antiquated heckles (like "hum that apple!") offer throwback entertainment for the unwitting audience around him.

Stats:

Times per inning he calls the umpire a "bum": 7

Fond memories per game: 14

Stories about the past: 21

Stories that start with "In my day…": 19

Percentage of those stories you've already heard before: 95%

8. Completely Clueless

Bio:

While he thoroughly enjoys watching the activity on field, he rarely (if ever) understands what's actually happening. Now— after several seasons of ignorance about the finer points of the game — it will be interesting to see if any of his friends' helpful explanations about "infield flies" have finally sunk in.

Stats:

Motto: "Why did he do that?"

Questions asked: 17

Percentage of rules understood: 14%

Team names memorized: 2

Favorite player: "You know…that Robriguez guy. The one on the Yackees."

Beers consumed to innings watched: 3:1

9. Never Left the Tailgate

Bio:

This grillmaster got her start catering "kegs and eggs" parties in college and now uses those skills to keep pregame crowds sufficiently fed before the first pitch. She loves baseball; the only problem is she's too busy making hot dogs to catch most of the game.

Stats:

Motto: "Who wants a burger?"

Favorite grill temp: 400°F

Bratwursts grilled: 24

Parking spots taken: 6

Percentage of apron covered in meat stains: 54%

10. Always Wants a Better View

Bio:

Several seasons of spectating innovation has made him adept at dodging security and climbing over seats. Always convinced there's a better spot "just a few rows down," this fickle fan uses any tactic necessary to find the perfect viewing angle.

Stats:

Motto: "I think we can get closer."

Security guards annoyed: 7

Stadiums banned from: 3

Percentage of game spent looking for better seat: 63%

Percentage of game spent actually watching: 35%

Percentage of game spent getting kicked out: 2%

Artwork by Kevin Valente / © BuzzFeed.Com

Regardless of how they enjoy the game, every fan can appreciate a BEST DAMN Root Beer, BEST DAMN Apple Ale, or BEST DAMN Cherry Cola while they watch.