What Kind Of Conservative Are You?

This scientific quiz is the only way to be sure. Just in time for CPAC!

  1. 1. What type of Liberal annoys you the most?
    1. Economic Justice Liberal
    2. Tree-Hugger Liberal
    3. Philanthropic Socialist Liberal
    1. Tax and Spend Liberal
    2. Peace-nic Hippie Liberal
    3. Blue Dog Liberal
  2. 2. Who has done the most for modern Conservatism?
    1. Stephen Colbert
    2. Sarah Palin
    3. Getty Images
      Bill Buckley
    1. AP
      Ayn Rand
    2. George Bush
    3. Reuters
      Michael Moore
  3. 3. Which news personality do you think is the most brilliant?
    1. Rachel Maddow
    2. Glenn Beck
    3. John Stossel
    1. Charles Krauthammer
    2. Bill O’Reilly
    3. Megyn Kelly
  4. 4. Which policy proposal has made you most happy?
    1. The Bush Tax Cuts
    2. AP
      Toppling of Saddam’s murderous regime
    3. The steady decriminalization of marijuana
    1. Removing troops from Iraq
    2. The Repeal of Obamacare
    3. Passage of Obamacare
  5. 5. What hippie talking point do you hate the most?
    1. “The government needs to stop imperialism and war!”
    2. “Society needs to fight for economic equality for everyone!”
    3. “The Constitution is a really old document, written by slave owners. We’re past that, man!”
    1. AP
      “All the young people agree with us, capitalism is wage slavery.”
    2. “Liberals protect individual freedom the most.”
    3. “…um, actually all of these sound pretty good.”
  6. 6. At political events, you look like:
    1. Via nymag.com
  7. 7. Which Avenger do you most identify with?
    1. Nick Fury
    2. Captain America
    3. Iron Man
    1. HULK!
    2. Black Widow
    3. Agent Coulson
  8. 8. Who should be our president in 2016?
    1. Arnold.
    2. AP
    3. Getty Images
    1. Reuters
    2. West.
    3. Michelle.
  9. 9. What should America do if attacked?
    1. Unleash the full skull-crushing awesomeness of the U.S. Military
    2. AP
      Lock down borders and increase security for homeland America
    3. AP
      Lob a few of these 5,000-pound bombs over there to shake things up a bit
    1. Find out who attacked us and drop Chuck Norris on them from a Black Hawk
    2. Getty Images
      Engage in tough diplomatic negotiations and sanctions
    3. Surrender!
  10. 10. What Obama action makes you want to gouge your eyes out the most?
    1. AP
      Bowing to foreign leaders
    2. Tanking the economy with over-regulation
    3. Trampling on our Constitutional Rights!
    1. Getty Images
      Reckless use of drones
    2. AP
      Holding hands with Joe Biden
    3. Showering big business with bailout taxpayer cash
  11. 11. What is your favorite pastime?
    1. Jager Bombs
    2. Yelling at your friends about how amazing this is:
    3. Scotch and cigars
    1. Reading the Constitution aloud
    2. Walking around your yard like this
    3. Crying about war, injustice, the environment, and poverty
  12. 12. Which Conservative fictional character would you most like to be?
    1. Ron Swanson
    2. The Dark Knight
    3. Nick Naylor
    1. Schmidt from “New Girl”
    2. John Galt?
    3. None of them, I want to be Barbra Streisand

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