1. A gigantic fleet of cars lines up.
Actually, there are 17 vehicles waiting for the president.
2. White House advance team members have to wander around with earpieces in and fists full of highlighters, printouts, and iPhones…
… and they point, oh boy they love to point.
4. The press are quarantined into a fenced pen…
…and police officers make sure we do not stray from it.
5. …and onto a rusty truck bed provided for us.
6. Guys who clearly grew up watching Men In Black stand around bored.
8. After everything is set up, there’s just… waiting.
And watching White House and security officials mill about and fidget nervously around the motorcade.
9. Some reporters get bored and take selfies with Austin’s mayor.
11. The most interesting thing to happen while waiting for Air Force One to land is this lovely White House staffer chasing after an important document in the wind.
“Why the f@$#*! did they give me the nuclear launch codes?!”
“Nothing to see here.”
Everyone was so bored, we made Instagram videos of the staffer, set to Lil’ John.
12. Then the moment of truth: AF1 lands!
It takes five-plus minutes for the plane to land from sight. Seriously, the longest plane landing you will ever witness.
15. The behemoth AF1 taxis at 5 miles per hour all around the airport…
…for about nine hours.
16. Then swings around while the lone Marine badass salutes.
19. After the stairs are in place, the highly waxed Beast jumps to life!
And swings up to the door.
20. Now before the president dons the doorway, the back of the plane starts spitting out droves of people.
22. Really, the front of the plane just turns into one gigantic cluster.
23. It becomes apparent that Obama is gonna greet some invited Austin community members across the tarmac…
… so media members scramble over there with breathless desperation.
“OMG. OMG. OMFG. HURRY!!!” ***heart attack***
25. And the Beasts flank him like a boss.
26. The audience is anxiously waiting to take Obama’s photo with iPads.
27. And here is how much security is required to protect Obama from your baby.
28. The Beast is a custom limo, meaning some people have to climb in backward, awkwardly, like this:
34. The door the president uses is closed and not used again until his return.
But another door underneath it is opened up for TOURS!
And then escorted inside the plane for a private Air Force One tour!
But when the president returns, he will say this to the tourists:
And those are some of the interesting things we learned about Obama arriving in your city!
We shall miss you, tetanus truck bed.
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