1.
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
2.
[schmoozing at fancy dinner] me: im a private investigator wife: you're allowed to say gynaecologist, keith me: people are eating, linda
3.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
4.
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
5.
Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge! Mama: That’s wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama’s porridge anymore. Papa: Jesus, Linda...
6.
It's OK if you're older and hate millennials that's fine but next time you can't figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL
7.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants Me: if u don't look at them they disappear Wife: that's ignorant Me: i know the technical term linda
8.
*slams hands on table* HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?
9.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I've had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
10.
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
11.
[Opens hand sanitiser] ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ [closes lid] wtf? [looks at label] LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
12.
[Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
13.
If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
14.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn? Her: anything is fine Me: ........ok Sarah, let's get started.
15.
kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"
16.
i hate when old people say that tattoos are a waste of money like okay Debra you have a cabinet full of expensive plates no one can use
17.
"Sexy role play.. I'll be a dentist." "I'm here for my appointment" "Did you book in with Karen first?" "No?" "Please leave, I'm very busy."
18.
"Millennials are so entitled!" Aye well I don't see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet
19.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"