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22 Tweets About Spiders That’ll Make You Laugh, I Promise

There are no pictures of spiders here, this is a safe space for all.

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1.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

2.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

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3.

[during sex] HER: I want you to make me scream ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

5.

Spreads legs... Nope Spreads two other legs .... Nope Spreads two others .... Dammit, no Spreads last two.... BINGO!! - spider sex

6.

Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom Me: I'll take care of it *raises spider like one of my own* *has a little cry when it graduates*

7.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days

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9.

[spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

10.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.

11.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

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13.

*sees a spider* I'm going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let's be cool here

14.

Every day, I hope I don't get bitten by a spider. I'm not afraid of spiders, I just don't want the responsibility of being a superhero.

15.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

17.

In truth, spiders are harmless* *Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

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18.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"

19.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he's fine] I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday "but the spider is done" Im adding 6 legs

21.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

22.

[outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.

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