Over time, I've read a lot of sex horror stories submitted by the BuzzFeed Community. Honestly, some people have had a wild ride. So I decided to gather up my favourites and put them in one place. Are you ready for the best of the worst?
1. The salad and the vagina.
"My friend always tells the story of how her brother and his girlfriend once bought a salad at a gas station so that he could eat it out of her vagina. A few days later she went to the ER with maggots in her vag."
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2. The birthday surprise.
"It was my 38th birthday and my friends and I took a bartender home. After things got hot, the dude said, 'You know what I’m really into? Getting eaten out.' My friend Denise wasn’t having it, but I’d done it before and this guy was 100% grade-A beef, so I agreed. He was on his back, and Denise was sitting on his face, so I started working from his balls, to his taint, to his backdoor. As I went to town, he suddenly sharted in my mouth. I immediately sterilized my mouth with a bottle of vodka and left. I haven’t seen any of them since."
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3. The wrong time to sneeze.
"I was giving my high school boyfriend a blow job. When he came I sneezed, and it all flew out of my nose in one long string. Two inches of cum and snot just dangled from my nose. Out of habit, I sniffed like I had a runny nose and it zipped back up into my nostril. We were in hysterics."
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4. The eBay purchase.
"I bought these anal beads really cheap from eBay because I was curious about them. I ended up trying them with my boyfriend one night; everything was fine until he pulled them out again. I felt a sudden hesitation from him, so I looked back and saw him with only two-thirds of the goddamn thing. The rest was missing ... IN MY BUTT. I almost panicked, but I managed to fish them out of my butthole in the bathroom after some struggle. DO NOT BUY CHEAP SEX TOYS, PEEPS!"
5. The church sermon.
"My fiancée once slept with a preacher's daughter. One time, they decided to have sex in the balcony of the church...while her father was preaching a sermon on Sunday morning. She came right as her father finished preaching and screamed 'Oh, god!' Someone in the audience responded with 'Hallelujah!'"
6. The first time fertiliser.
"I slept with a guy I’d been seeing for a month. After the initial pain, I got into it and enjoyed it a lot. The tragedy occurred later on that night, when I realised that I had to do a number two. He said the toilet in his guest house (where we were) wasn’t working. The one in the main house was fine, but he had rented out the main house and I couldn’t go in that late, so I ended up taking a dump in his garden."
7. The unfortunate time to be wearing a white skirt.
"Things felt a little wetter than usual when my boyfriend and I were fooling around, but I assumed we were just extra horny. He looked down and asked if I was on my period. I wasn't, but when he pulled out there was blood EVERYWHERE. We noticed the blood was coming from his penis. We grabbed a towel and put pressure on it to stop the bleeding. It stopped, and we realized his frenulum had snapped, so we went to the hospital. While in the waiting room, I felt a rush of liquid come out of my vagina. Since we hadn't immediately stopped having sex, he basically filled me up with blood. I was, of course, wearing a white skirt. Whoops."
—Conz Preti, Facebook
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8. The post-sex teamwork.
"I was really horny so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning I realised I never took out my tampon. His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favour. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
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9. The belated present.
"After a bad breakup in college, I went out with some girlfriends and ended up going home with someone. Three days later, I felt something weird when I went to the bathroom. I pulled out a condom that still held semen in it. I went three days without noticing a filled condom was stuck up in my vagina."
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10. The dirty talk.
"Me and my (now ex) boyfriend were fooling around in bed. I thought it was going to lead to sex, but instead he grabbed my labia and started opening and closing it while saying, 'Release the kraken!'"
11. The birthing experience.
"My boyfriend bought a vibrator for me as a surprise for the night. It was all fun and games until we heard a shutter and a crack. He had one half of the vibrator in his hand and the other half was stuck inside of me. I sat there, totally mortified. He wanted to take me to the ER, so instead I pushed it out like I was giving birth. It was the most embarrassing moment ever."
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12. The amateur gymnast.
"Once I came home and my roommate and her fwb were having sex standing up in the middle of the room. She was bent over like she was reaching for her toes and he was behind her. When they saw me come in, he thrusted really hard and she did a somersault. I saw so many body parts I never wanted to see."
13. The petty ex.
"I was in high school and snuck out around 2 a.m. to meet two boys. My most recent ex at the time called me in the middle of the threesome, and I foolishly answered. He got super jealous and called my parents to tell them what I was doing. My parents then drove and picked me up. It was so awkward."
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14. The morning after the night before.
"My boyfriend came home drunk and wanted anal. We had done it once before, but we were both sober and careful to go slow and use lube. This time he was so drunk, he poured lube ALL OVER my ass and shoved his dick right in! It hurt so bad I had to stop him after a minute or two. The next morning he went to the bathroom and found SHIT under his foreskin that had been there all night!"
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15. The alternative form of protection.
"Didn’t have a condom and I did not want to get pregnant, so my boyfriend made one out of grocery bags and then taped it onto his dick. Hand to God, worst first time ever."
16. The cheating that allegedly doesn't count.
"I hooked up with a guy I'd only known for a few days. Everything went fine until it was time to drop him off at his place the next morning. There was a guy standing outside the apartment looking pissed, who immediately started toward us. Apparently the guy was gay, but liked to cheat on his live-in boyfriend with women because, to him, that wasn't cheating."
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17. The "murder" mystery.
"My periods are super heavy — like having to wear double protection heavy — so my hubs and I usually ~go for it~ in the shower. It’s been generally incident-free, but once, we did it, finished up all nice, went to bed aglow and satisfied... and then were woken up by my daughter screaming the next morning because she found dried bloody handprints in the shower!"
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18. The Beauregarde body double.
"Once, my partner (who's now my husband) experimented with choking me and we had a tap-out rule. I guess it felt so good that I didn’t realize my face was turning purple and I didn’t tap out. Then I hear, 'Oh my god. I’m so sorry!' I checked the mirror and blood vessels had actually popped. I looked like Violet Beauregarde for a few days."
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Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.