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18 Bizarre Sex Stories That'll Make You Think Twice About Having Sex Again

Sex isn't always perfect.

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We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about their weirdest, most bizarre, or just damn awkward sex stories. This was the result.

1. The alternative form of protection.

"I was fooling around with a guy, but we didn’t have a condom. I suggested he put the bed sheet between us and dry hump, because it would still give us stimulation. I don’t know where he learned about dry humping, because to him it meant wrapping his penis in the sheet and inserting it."

shanaeh3

2. The white puddle.

"My boyfriend and I had just had sex. We didn't use a condom because I have the implant and we've both been tested. I went to the bathroom and had an unexpectedly violent sneeze. His cum came shooting out and landed in a nice puddle on the bath mat."

newdayrocks

3. The naming ceremony.

"My ex went down on me for the first time and saw a mole I have on my bikini line. He poked it and said, 'Aww, what should we name him?'"

jennag41cd971a8

4. The myth of the kraken.

"Me and my (now ex) boyfriend were fooling around in bed. I thought it was going to lead to sex, but instead he grabbed my labia and started opening and closing it while saying, 'Release the kraken!'"

ugotnojams

5. The overexcited butt grabber.

"My boyfriend and I were having sex. He decided he wanted me to sit on his face. He grabbed my butt to pull me closer but misjudged how small I am and catapulted my face into the wall. It broke my glasses, cut my cheek, and gave me a black eye. We're still together and my face has healed nicely."

sarag4dec459dd

6. The after-work nap.

"My husband came home after a long day at work and we had amazing sex. I noticed him slow down after a while and then he just stopped completely. Turns out he fell asleep still holding my tits and squeezing them in his sleep."

hellarobot

7. The dedicated lover.

"I had the Mortal Kombat ringtone on my phone. As me and my ex boyfriend were doing the deed, my phone rang. He stopped, looked at my phone, then at me, and said, 'Finish her!' and kept going. Greatest/funniest thing ever."

a47f46d3a4

8. The face-sitting.

"My boyfriend and I had just started having sex and he told me to sit on his face. I did and it was amazing until he told me to lean back. I queefed RIGHT ON HIS FACE and then shot back up and queefed again. We don’t talk about it to this day."

taylorm433146970

9. The surprise threesome.

"Me and my ex-boyfriend were having sex on the living room floor, when midway through the dog jumped on top of us and starting humping my boyfriend’s leg."

sophiaj3

10. The violent sneeze.

"My boyfriend and I were having sex doggy style in the shower when I felt a big sneeze coming on. The force of the sneeze literally squeezed him out of my vagina, he lost his balance, and fell over."

janiss4d6ede092

11. The 10,000th step.

"I used to have the step counter activated on my phone and it made a victory ring when I hit 10,000 steps. One night my phone was lying on the bed while my fiancé and I were having sex and just as he came the notification sound went off. The most perfect timing ever."

lillyw4949b5b8c

12. The raspberry.

"I invited a guy over who had bragged about how good he was at going down on a girl. Once he got to my place and things started heating up, he went down on me and the 'fantastic' move that made him 'so good' was to blow a raspberry on my vagina."

courtneyh466e3012c

13. The porn-star pubes.

"The guy I was having sex with had no pubes but that didn’t put me off. However, afterwards he took me to his bathroom, showed me his collection of hair removal cream, and told me that he would always have the 'pubic area of a porn star'. Cool story, bro, goodbye forever."

Lyndabakewell

14. The not-so-sexy cramp.

"I got a cramp in my leg so we had to stop. The cramp hurt so bad I started walking around his room naked and crying. After about 10 minutes of this, I tried to be sexy again but he couldn’t get hard after that."

Jknapik55

15. The drunken encounter.

"I once brought a guy back to mine after a night out. We were both drunk AF and started getting down, when suddenly he stopped.

Him: 'I know you’re thinking about her!'

Me: [puzzled] 'Who?!'

Him: 'Effy!'

Me: [more puzzled] 'Effy who?!'

Him: 'Effy from Skins, you have a poster of her.'

Me: 'No, I don’t!!'

Anyway, we start up again, and about 10 minutes later he stops me and says, 'Sorry, I’m just far too interested in international politics', and goes to sleep."

mattr451625515

16. The first time.

"My ex and I were having sex for the first time. Everything was going good, but after three minutes, he pulls out and starts masturbating instead for a solid 3–4 minutes. After he was done, he said he saw it in porn once."

madisonc41e2fc56e

17. The bedtime story.

"A long time ago with an ex, I got bored during sex and read a book over his shoulder. My bad."

Jenivere

18. The strap-on.

"An ex of mine (a straight yet adventurous male) enjoyed having a strap-on used on him. One night, while he was face down, ass up, taking the strap-on, he turns back to me and says, 'I'm shitting all over the bed, aren’t I?'"

madisond44cc3ad8d

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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