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    This Is Exactly What It's Like When You Have A Work Crush

    Fuck's sake, Doris. Keep your hands to yourself.

    9am. You arrive at work. Just a normal day. You go and get a coffee because you're probably going to need it.

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    9:03. He walks in and sits at his desk. Kevin, looking all kinds of mount-me-now good.

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    9:07. You spy him getting up to go and make a coffee. Suddenly you need a coffee too.

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    For Christ's sake, Doris, shut up, you're ruining everything.

    9:09. He leans over the coffee machine, changing the filter. For a moment you think how great it would be if he changed your filter.

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    You're not sure what this entails but it's with Kevin so it must be good.

    Suddenly, he speaks.

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    You have nanoseconds to think of a casual, throwaway comment that will make him wonder why he isn't dating you.

    You settle for a questionable sounding laugh, which sounds equal measures hyena and llama.

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    You run back to your desk, adamant you've fucked up your wedding day.

    9:30. You ask Doris if she minds switching desks with you.

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    Because I want you to stop looking at my man, fuck out my face, Doris.

    10:18. You're looking at gym memberships because Kevin probably goes to the gym.

    When you see Kevin's biceps, you start imagining him all hot and sweaty and covered in baby oil and you're not even remotely sorry for thinking these things.

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    10:59. Wait, what's Sally doing?

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    No, Sally, go sit back down. Kevin doesn't care about what you're saying.

    11:02. After throwing dirty looks over your shoulder at Sally, you hear Kevin laugh.

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    This is a strange concept as Sally has never said anything remotely funny in her life.

    11:03. Sally touches Kevin's bicep. Your blood boils.

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    DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HIM!

    11:05. You storm off to the bathroom to have an angry wee. While you're in there, you give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.

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    "You're going to be dead caj and all 'who's Kevin' when you go back in there."

    11:08. You're heading back into the office when you round the corner and crash into somebody.

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    Of course, it's Kevin. NBD.

    Now's your second chance to say something cool and smooth to savour the situation.

    "I bet you've never been banged like that before."

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    You hate yourself.

    13:49. Meeting time. You purposefully sit opposite Kevin.

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    Of course, Sally sits next to him.

    13:56. Kevin puts his hand up. Before he can speak, you say, "Yes, I agree".

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    Are you trying to ruin my life, Doris?

    14:37. After much deliberation, you decide you don't fancy Kevin any more. A sexual relationship would just complicate the working environment.

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    Who would fancy that face anyway?

    14:39. You start thinking about what love really means. It means having a face that could have been carved by angels.

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    It means having hair that could have been spun from gold.

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    It means having a smile that could cure terminal illnesses.

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    It means Kevin.

    15:03. Kevin still hasn't acknowledged you. You decide that you quite like Bob from HR.

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    "Don't cry, Kevin. This was almost as hard for me as it was for you."

    16:45. Kevin has been talking to Sally AND Doris for the last 43 seconds. You decide he has no respect to be just blatantly rubbing it in your face like this.

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    No, Doris, I have allergies, but thanks for asking.

    17:02. You really want to hate him but that hair.

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    You walk past his desk three times. He doesn't notice.

    17:13. You've had enough of playing cute. You decide you're just going to go up there and ask him out for a drink. What's the worst that can happen?

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    You finally go over to his desk because you've spent the last 11 minutes thinking of the best opening line.

    You've settled with "Hey".

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    After stumbling and mumbling your way through, you finally ask him. And he says yes!

    17:26. Kevin picks up his phone again. "I'm just going to call my girlfriend and see if she wants to come along."

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    You call in sick to work for the next two weeks.

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    Fuck off, Doris.

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