Skip To Content

    This Is Exactly What It's Like When You Have A Work Crush

    Fuck's sake, Doris. Keep your hands to yourself.

    9am. You arrive at work. Just a normal day. You go and get a coffee because you're probably going to need it.

    9:03. He walks in and sits at his desk. Kevin, looking all kinds of mount-me-now good.

    9:07. You spy him getting up to go and make a coffee. Suddenly you need a coffee too.

    9:09. He leans over the coffee machine, changing the filter. For a moment you think how great it would be if he changed your filter.

    Suddenly, he speaks.

    You settle for a questionable sounding laugh, which sounds equal measures hyena and llama.

    9:30. You ask Doris if she minds switching desks with you.

    10:18. You're looking at gym memberships because Kevin probably goes to the gym.

    When you see Kevin's biceps, you start imagining him all hot and sweaty and covered in baby oil and you're not even remotely sorry for thinking these things.

    10:59. Wait, what's Sally doing?

    11:02. After throwing dirty looks over your shoulder at Sally, you hear Kevin laugh.

    11:03. Sally touches Kevin's bicep. Your blood boils.

    11:05. You storm off to the bathroom to have an angry wee. While you're in there, you give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.

    11:08. You're heading back into the office when you round the corner and crash into somebody.

    "I bet you've never been banged like that before."

    13:49. Meeting time. You purposefully sit opposite Kevin.

    13:56. Kevin puts his hand up. Before he can speak, you say, "Yes, I agree".

    14:37. After much deliberation, you decide you don't fancy Kevin any more. A sexual relationship would just complicate the working environment.

    14:39. You start thinking about what love really means. It means having a face that could have been carved by angels.

    It means having hair that could have been spun from gold.

    It means having a smile that could cure terminal illnesses.

    It means Kevin.

    15:03. Kevin still hasn't acknowledged you. You decide that you quite like Bob from HR.

    16:45. Kevin has been talking to Sally AND Doris for the last 43 seconds. You decide he has no respect to be just blatantly rubbing it in your face like this.

    17:02. You really want to hate him but that hair.

    17:13. You've had enough of playing cute. You decide you're just going to go up there and ask him out for a drink. What's the worst that can happen?

    You've settled with "Hey".

    17:26. Kevin picks up his phone again. "I'm just going to call my girlfriend and see if she wants to come along."

    You call in sick to work for the next two weeks.