Skip To Content

    Goop's Christmas Ad Is A Guide To Getting Ready That Includes A Vibrator, Staring Into The Abyss, And "Double-Fisting"

    I, too, shall be staring in the void of misery this Christmas. Happy holidays!

    It's basically Christmastime, which means we're all being overloaded with festive ads from every which direction. But, in case you're looking for the best one, you need not look any further — Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop are here to save the day.

    Goop

    Now, just so we're on the same page here, you've probably heard of Goop and its reputation for selling things like moon dust smoothies and giving advice on how to steam your uterus.

    Ian Tuttle / Getty Images

    It also once suggested that you put jade eggs in your vagina, but that particular piece of advice got the company fined $145,000 in court, so I don't know, maybe don't do that.

    Anyway, back to the now. For Christmas, Goop is promoting its new range of G. Label clothing, and what better way to do that than get the Goop Queen herself in a minutelong video with some narration over the top on how to get ready for a night out.

    Goop

    The first step on Goop's guide to getting ready: Put some music on to set the mood for the evening. Then, you should apparently do everything in slow-motion, including...well, this.

    Goop

    "Someone's double-fisting," the narrator suddenly says. "And dammit, she's earned it."

    Goop

    I, too, have earned the right to double-fist my drinks over Christmas.

    "Go ahead, have a laugh, even if it is just for the camera," the narrator continues. "And find your favourite look. Or 11 of them! Look fabulous in each one and get super high...in your heels, of course."

    Goop

    Honestly, it's all a surprising lol-a-minute.

    But if you thought double-fisting and smiling for the camera even though you're actually miserable was as batshit as things were going to get, allow me to introduce the next step — the vibrator.

    Goop

    "Do something for others, but don’t forget about number one," the narrator adds, which are words to live by if you ask me. "Yes, that is a vibrator."

    Goop

    Until the narrator made it clear what Gwyn was holding, I thought it was a somewhat girthy candy cane, which is probably something you shouldn't put anywhere near your nether regions, so I'm glad we've cleared that up.

    Just so we're all aware that it is, indeed, a vibrator, Goop have added a pleasant buzzing noise in the background.

    Oh, and let's not forget about the most important tip for getting ready over the festive season — staring into the void of misery!

    Goop

    According to Goop, you should: "Gaze into your soul but also stare into the abyss — that's joyful too."

    Finally, you should apparently make a graceful exit (something I'm not capable of after more than one gin and tonic) and enjoy your night on the town. Here's Gwyneth's graceful exit...

    Goop

    And here's mine...

    giphy.com

    They're basically the same.

    Anyway, with those recommendations from Goop, I too shall be staring into the abyss this Christmas. Happy holidays!

    Goop

    Oh, and you can watch the festive ad here if you so desire.

    Ben Henry is a celebrity reporter for BuzzFeed UK and is based in London.

    Contact Ben Henry at ben.henry@buzzfeed.com.

    Got a confidential tip? Submit it here