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89 Thoughts I Had While Watching The New Rihanna Video

"Viewer discretion advised" would be putting it lightly.

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1. Oh shit, viewer discretion. It's getting real AF already.

2. Can you believe this video is gonna be seven minutes long?

3. There have been shorter movies.

4. Wonder if Rihanna will be nominated at the Oscars next year?

5. "And the Oscar goes to..."

6. Anybody but Leonardo DiCaprio.

7. #PoorLeo

8. Wait, there's birds tweeting.

9. And the sun's shining.

10. Doesn't look like it's gonna need to be censored.

11. Maybe Rihanna's changing her whole vibe.

12. Robyn "Mother Nature" Fenty.

13. Wait, is that Rihanna?

14. Why she white though?

15. Still pretty.

16. Oh wait, Rihanna's in the car. Don't know who that white woman is.

17. She's not the only girl in the world no more.

18. She looks hella pissed. What's disturbed her cage?

19. Free the nipple.

20. That dog's so rich it doesn't even have to walk anywhere.

21. If I tried that shit, I'd get put on the floor.

22. Why's it so cute?

23. I hate it.

24. Awww, Rihanna's in the lift too, looking like she's just returned from France.

25. "Bonjour, mon nom est Rihanna."

26. The way she's standing, she definitely hates that dog too.

27. Music's finally started. About time.

28. 01:32 with no music. Tut.

29. Thought I was deaf for a minute (and a half).

30. Oh, where's the white woman gone?

31. Dog's still there though.

32. Why is Rihanna carrying him?

33. Put the mutt on the floor.

34. Oh, she got some cronies now. At least they're helping her with that heavy chest.

35. Hope the dog's in the chest.

36. Fucking dog.

37. White woman's back. HEY, WHITE LADY!

38. Naked.

39. What kind of video is this?

40. Putting me off my cornflakes.

41. Double denim's never a good look.

42. Rih kinda pulls it off though.

43. In a "don't touch me, I'm Rihanna" kinda way.

44. I see what they meant by "violence".

45. So let's get this straight – she's kidnapped this pretty woman, probably killed the dog, and is now just chilling on a boat in her bikini.

46. And the poor white woman's being seasick. Bless.

47. POLICE – she's in for it now.

48. Oh. Maybe not.

49. Bit harsh to hit the woman round the head with a bottle. But OK.

50. They've blindfolded her. But at least they're doing her make-up.

51. That's cute. Nice of them. Next they might uncuff her hands.

52. Rih's got the bong.

53. She's feeling Lionel Richie AF.

54. Oh, it's a party! Four-girl rave, woooo!

55. And the pretty girl's laughing.

56. Like she hasn't just been kidnapped.

57. Wish I was kidnapped by Rihanna. Looks hella fun.

58. I imagine we'd braid weaves together.

59. That police officer just won't go away.

60. He wants a piece of the Rih cake.

61. I thought they were friends now – why are they basically drowning the poor woman?

62. DAT ASS DOE.

63. Uh oh.

64. Sharp objects are out.

65. And they're letting the white woman out the chest again.

66. Oh, she's got a guy taped to a chair now.

67. She needs to stop kidnapping people.

68. I should probably take tips from Rihanna about people skills.

69. Judging by the music, I assume he owes some money.

70. And that he's the "bitch" in question.

71. Rihanna kicking off because there's only $420 in her bank.

72. More than I earned last year.

73. Oh. We're back to the beginning. Birds tweeting like nothing happened.

74. Maybe it was all a dream?

75. I hope not. I hate that shit.

76. Ah, there's Rihanna. Lying in a chest full of money.

77. Naked.

78. She lives the casual life.

79. Good dollar note placement.

80. Inch to the left and there would have been all kinds of vagina on screen.

81. The end?

82. Oh.

83. Rihanna. Blood.

84. WHAT DID YOU DO?!

85. CARRIE, IS THAT YOU?!

86. Well, that was an eventful seven minutes.

87. Did he give her the money? Is he still a bitch?

88. Probably shouldn't have watched that in the office.

89. Is there a therapist I can visit in my lunch hour?

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