1. Richmond upon Thames, London – offers over £1 million
Property type: Semi-detached house
Bedrooms: Three
• Not really sure where to start with this palace.
• Nope, still not sure.
2. Altrincham, Greater Manchester – £999,950
Property type: Semi-detached house
Bedrooms: Five
• It's Victorian, aka fancy AF.
• There's a gym ~and~ a steam room, so you have no excuse not to go any more.
3. Keighley, West Yorkshire – £975,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: THERE ARE FUCKING NINE OF THEM
• There's a really pretty view. Like, really pretty.
• You can sleep in a different bedroom every day of the week and still have spares.
4. Bromley, Greater London – offers over £1 million
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Four
• The master bedroom is on the top floor, so you can escape from everybody else, basically.
• There are two en-suites and a family bathroom, so you really can't fight over people hogging it in the morning.
5. Bothwell, Scotland – offers over £950,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Six
• There is a jacuzzi in the gym, so you can tell everyone you're going to the gym when you're actually not.
• There is a library and a bar and wine cellar and basically everything you've ever wanted.
6. Huddersfield, West Yorkshire – £999,950
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Five
• It looks like a museum, so take from that what you will.
• It's a Grade I listed building so you can probably just call yourself a queen.
7. Shepherd's Bush, London – £988,000
Property type: Flat
Bedrooms: Three
• It's a couple of minutes away from Westfield Shopping Centre.
• The kitchen could maybe do with being brought out of the 20th century.
8. Redditch, Worcestershire – £950,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Five
• You never need to go to the cinema again ever.
• Your garden is two acres so you can skip among the flowerbeds and be at one with nature.
9. Worsley, Greater Manchester – £960,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Six
• There is a "playroom": Like, what more do you want?
• A window cleaner might be pricy.
10. Edinburgh – offers over £995,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Five
• The kitchen's got this fun purple thing going on.
• There are two "public rooms". Basically, the house is so big, it has rooms with made-up uses.
11. Calstock, Cornwall – offers over £1 million
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Four
• The house is by a river and has these fancy ass doors so you can just, like, chill while you're eating your breakfast.
• If you can afford to buy the house you can maybe afford a boat to go with it, and that's pretty cool.
12. Kings Cross, London – £1 million
Property type: Flat
Bedrooms: Four
• There are bathrooms on both floors, which is handy if you're busting for a wee.
• The garden's very green: something surprisingly difficult to find in London.
13. Warrington, Cheshire – £995,000
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Six
• Well, there's a swimming pool, so winning.
• There's also a sauna room.
14. Stonehouse, Gloucestershire – offers over £1 million
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Six
• It's a converted chapel, so you don't really have to go anywhere on Sunday to confess your sins.
• There's a "formal garden", just in case you weren't feeling fancy AF already.
15. Bristol – £995,000
Property type: Semi-detached house
Bedrooms: Four
• There are three reception rooms, which means you can have lots of parties.
• There's also a breakfast room, and as breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it deserves its own room.
16. Steeple Ashton, Wiltshire – £1 million
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Six
• It's listed as a country house, and anybody that's anybody has one of those, darling.
• There are five damn bathrooms. Five of them.
17. Belfast, Northern Ireland – £1 million
Property type: Detached house
Bedrooms: Five
• It's got a long and fancy driveway to make you feel all important.
• You get to live around the Irish accent, which is always a plus.