31 Weird Things That Have Somehow Found Their Way Into Existence
Against all odds, these things are here and ready for purchase.
We hope you love the products we recommend! All of them were independently selected by our editors. Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page if you decide to shop from them. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.
1. A pair of loafers that really rise to the occasion.
Get them from Amazon for $14.99+ (available in two sizes and eight styles).
2. A pair of instant undies because you never know when you're going to need them in an emergency.
Get it from Amazon for $5.19.
3. A reversible sequin pillow case that reveals Nic Cage's face when you pet it. If this isn't a national treasure, nothing is.
4. A simply wonderful mousepad featuring Steve Buscemi or Owen Wilson that will make your desk 100000% better.
Get the Steve and Owen mousepads from PixelbatGraphics on Etsy for $9.99.
5. A pack of rude gnomes to cause trouble in your houseplants.
Get a set of four from Firebox for $15.99.
6. A divine clock that's both funny and helpful.
Get it from SillyJokes on Etsy for $32.38.
7. A box of anus-shaped chocolate so you can finally tell your loved one that you care about them, no butts about it.
Promising review: "These are the greatest gift to give to a proctologist. :D I had two surgeons that had worked with my husband, so I sent these as thank you gifts. They absolutely loved them! It was a hilarious gift and worth the price! The chocolates were actually very tasty also. Would 100% buy again!" —Dawn
Get a box of six from Amazon $8.94.
8. Jizz the Game — a game everyone will be pumped to play.
Sigh, OK so here is how this terrible thing works: You pass around the phallic device and each person spins the balls. The balls will tell you how many times to pump and where to direct the top of the device. After a randomly selected amount of pumps, it will "ejaculate" the liquid of your choice (hopefully water?). It's basically sperm roulette.
Get it from Firebox for $24.99.
9. Justin Bieber dental floss that you better belieb is gonna keep your chompers feeling clean and fresh.
Get it from Amazon for $2.99.
10. A clock dedicated to a particularly awkward scene in The Office. Now every time can be brocc-o-clock.
Get it from SergSuperShop on Etsy for $23.95.
11. A pack of Joe's Exotic condoms that you don't even have to travel to Oklahoma to buy.
Get a pack of four from Firebox for $12.99.
12. A corgi butt bottle opener that is uhmmmmm cute? Look, there is dog caboose merch everywhere these days, so this feels inevitable.
13. A variety pack of soda for anyone who just really needs to know what buffalo wing-flavored pop tastes like.
Promising review: "Purchased for Christmas gift. Shipping was scary fast, and it’s everything it’s intended to be. If you want something that tastes good and is easy to swallow, don’t buy this. This stuff is meant to turn people’s faces sideways and their worlds upside down. Great gag gift! 10/10 would buy again." —Austin V
Get a pack of six from Amazon for $28.99.
14. A pair of Stressticles that you can squeeze with reckless abandon when you're feeling testes.
Get it from Firebox for $8.99.
15. A loooooong furby body pillow cover ready to take its place as number one waifu.
Get it from LongFurbyFam on Etsy for $29.75.
16. Or a Beetlejuice sandworm sticker with a lil' Furby in its mouth that just wants to say hello. Love a good '90s crossover.
Get it from KrystanSaintCat on Etsy for $4.50.
17. A pack of black toilet paper rolls in case all your bathroom trips need to be as goth as you are.
18. A Darth Vader pool float with outstretched arms ready to give you a hug. That's something we all need right now, even if it's from a Sith Lord.
Promising review: "We’ve only had this for a week but so far we love it. My kids are into Star Wars right now and they were thrilled when we bought this for our pool. We just started heating our pool and using the float, but will be using it all summer. It was a big hit and enjoyed for hours! It made our boys laugh." —Jessica
Get it from Amazon for $24.55.
20. A pack of dick-shaped lipsticks that'll make you look so good, you might get cocky.
Promising review: "Funny but also surprisingly good lipstick. Stays on for a while. It's scented with rose water, which I'm not a huge fan of in general but know others who would have loved that about this." —Aimee Nguyen
Get a pack of 12 from Amazon for $24.24.
21. An inflatable foot bath you can fill with heel-saving goo that'll feel oh-so relaxing.
Inflate, fill with water, add included packet of powder, and RELAX.
Get it from Firebox for $19.99.
22. A set of human face stress balls with wretchedly twisted faces sure to turn your frown upside-down (or some other weird direction).
23. Keanu Reeve's heavenly visage printed on a fleece blanket you'll certainly want to cuddle up with.
Get it from MemeCuisine on Etsy for $30+ (available in three sizes).
24. A non-medical face mask that has it all: neon colors and tigers and cowboy hats... oh my!
See all of Look Human's printed masks.
Get it from Look Human for $18.99.
25. A left-handed candle for my fellow southpaws who would like something that's finally designed with the left hand in mind. BRB, gotta wash ink off my hand.
Promising review: "Love, love, LOVE the smell of this candle. Definitely going to be a repeat purchase. Burns well, clean, decent burn time. Definitely recommend for those who like calming smells. This is the perfect candle to put me in a good mood." —Kristin K.
Get it from Amazon for $21.50 (also available in 26 other scents).
26. A wooden spoon with Nic Cage's face adorned on the bottom so you can get started on a bread recipe while rewatching Moonstruck. They say bread is life!
Get it from SillyJokes on Etsy for $7.12.
27. A non-medical mask featuring Cuomo's judgmental stare. If this doesn't shame your neighbors into also wearing a mask, then nothing will.
Get it from customfacegifts on Etsy for $16.99.
28. An oil painting print of Frank in his Ongo Gablogian disguise.
Artists must suffer, that's why it's called painting.
Get it from DrunkGirlDesigns on Etsy for $8+ (available in six sizes and two material styles).
29. A potato pal that's be a great personalized gifts to send to all your spuddies.
To customize, simply upload a photo and add in a message with 50 characters or less!
Promising review: "This is such a random thing, I couldn’t resist getting it for my friend as a Christmas gift. We always buy each other silly gifts. I think I outdid myself this year. Everybody loved it. I can’t wait to see when it starts to sprout or how she looks when it shrivels. The picture is actually a thin sticker that they put on the potato. The message you can have put on the other side looked like someone with nice penmanship wrote it with a permanent marker." —3000gtvr4
Get it from Amazon for $14.99.
30. A pair of horizontal reading glasses so you can read or watch TV without going through the ridiculous effort of lifting your head.
Promising review: "I didn't know what I was missing until I used this. My life is now complete. If you enjoy comfort and lazy binge-watching and don't care how ridiculous you look wearing these, then you have found nirvana. My glasses fit in these just fine. Takes a minute to get used to, then it becomes your reason to live. Expect people to laugh at you, but forgive them for they know not what they are missing." —Michael Boyd
Get it from Amazon for $12.99.
31. And a sexy (?) googly-eyed thong for turning your junk into a trunk.
Promising review: "It's awesome. My boyfriend and I laughed for a good hour after unpacking it. Every time our eyes met the elephant's it'd start all over again." —Heather Alvarado
Get it from Amazon for $6.99 (available in three colors).
Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!
Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.