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1. A heart-shaped pin explaining all of your interests in the words of April Ludgate.
Get it from sweetandlovely on Etsy for $13.
2. A skull spoon that's representative of how you feel about mornings.
Promising review: "Even though it really doesn't hold any sugar, the spoon does look really cool and it's durable. It's also dishwasher safe, which is nice. Just don't purchase it if you were really looking forward to actually using it as a sugar spoon. I bought this for my mom and she said it's really difficult to actually use it for sugar, but she's still absolutely obsessed with it!" —jdepp
Get it from Amazon for $7.45+ (available in two finishes).
3. A pack of abusive balloons for when you don't feel like celebrating another year closer to death.
Get it from Amazon for $10.99.
4. A welcome mat that actually does the exact opposite of its name.
Warning: Reviewers say this actually leads to more visitors and comments.
Get it from Amazon for $19.95.
5. A sparkly keychain looking to swap places with Ariel in The Little Mermaid.
Promising review: Not gonna lie...bought this as a Christmas present and when I got it in the mail, it was too cute to give it away and now it’s on my keys! Whoops!" —Chelsea
Get it from UnicornRockStar on Etsy for $15.
6. An oven mitt that understands the joy that comes with wielding a sharp blade.
Promising review: "I love this '50s-style oven mitt! The colors are a bit brighter than I'd anticipated, but the joke speaks to me. My friends think it's hilarious in a cute/psycho way." —Alyssa Bernblum
Get it from Amazon for $12.99.
7. A festive garland laying down some ground rules for your party.
Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
8. A firm but fair tee that lets Grumpy Cat say "NO!" for you.
9. And a Grumpy Cat notebook for all your thoughts that are too mean to say out loud.
10. A colorful sticker inspired by all the times you texted someone to duck off.
Get it from TurtlesSoup on Etsy for $2.97.
11. A pair of sound-canceling headphones you can count on as a reasonable excuse as to why you never chime in on the conversation at work.
Promising review: "Awesome headphones! I bought these for work. I share a large office with another person and needed something to block out his constant talking to himself. I have several other Bluetooth headphones but I can't turn them up loud enough to drown him out without damaging my hearing (I've tried). These work magnificently! The sound quality is exceptional: very close to my Bose headphones but at less than a quarter of the cost. Highly recommend these." —Mark E.
Get it from Amazon for $69.99+ (available in three colors).
12. A succulent enamel pin that tells it like it is.
Get it from TinyBeeCards on Etsy for $12 or the magnet version from Amazon for $3.50.
13. A dick mug because you're always saying that's what the coffee tastes like.
14. A set of bad parking notes that will save so much time in the parking lot each morning.
There are five different messages, including tell-offs like "Learn to park, asshole," and "Ford 3:50 — And the Lord sayeth, you park like a fucking moron."
Get a pack of 50 from Amazon for $12.99.
15. A table flip emoticon pin to wear on those days you're just about ready to, well, flip a table.
16. A sleep mask with a phrase printed on the front that just might be abrasive enough to earn you some alone time.
Get it from Amazon for $8.85.
17. A bowling shirt that tells 'em to beat it for you.
Get it from Valfre for $64 (available in sizes XS–2XL).
18. A pair of socks to wear on days you truly can't even.
Promising review: "The color on these socks is just as true and vibrant as you see in the photo. They have a nice durable thickness that makes me confident they will last for a good long time and not fall apart. The color has held through several washes. I love Blue Q." —Skylor
Get them from Amazon for $9.99 (available in 35 styles).
20. A "Do Not Disturb" sign that doubles as a bottle opener so you can take care of all your troubles in one fell swoop (swig?).
Get it from Amazon for $13.90.
21. Perpetual Disappointments Diary — a guided journal you can vent to about all of life's little injustices.
Promising review: "Every year is fraught with tools and troubles. Finally a yearly diary that lives up (or down) to expectations." —Cheryl Claussen
Get it from Amazon $14.13.
22. A seemingly friendly mug to take huge swigs from whenever someone gets on your nerve.
Promising review: "I got this for my retired father who lives with me. He now uses it to passive-aggressively provide feedback to my morning chatter. This has brought him an innumerable amount of happiness and glee." —Andrew A. Russell
Get it from Amazon for $6.79.
24. Caffeinated chocolate to soothe your 4 p.m. crankiness.
25. And a teddy bear you can give to your favorite jerk, because deep down, you know it'll make them feel warm and ~fuzzy~.
Get it from Amazon for $29.97.
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