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1. A pug with a measuring tape for a tongue, so you can make doggone certain your measurements are correct before trying to shove a giant, castle-shaped dog bed through your door.
2. A clear shower curtain with pockets so you can multi-task on mornings when you're running late for work.
3. A karate (lettuce) chopper sure to make Spongebob proud.
4. A pack of wine condoms for people who won't stop saying "penis grigio."
5. A goofy cat trash can to make cleaning up way less clawful.
6. A video game-inspired light switch for people who just really miss having a pressable button on their iPhone.
7. A pair of rubber gloves to make dishes almost worth doing (ALMOST).
8. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers to keep your feet warm and toasty.
9. A tin of Shakespeare bandages that add insult to injury (but still make great bandages).
10. An elephant ottoman for decor that people will truly never forget.
11. A set of hooks that are more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
12. A Darth Vader shower head so you can bathe in his tears. What a rebellious way to get clean!
13. A pack of Shittens that will keep you fully covered, no matter what gross thing your pet, baby, or own body just pooped out.
14. A foaming clay mask to turn skincare into a total gigglefest.
15. A knit beanie with a built-in beard so you can enjoy the warmth of facial hair without having to invest in beard oil.
16. Finger claws to make you feel like a tiny dinosaur while chowing down on wings. But like, a really clean dino, because your hands will be spotless.
17. A weird and wonderful shower curtain for anyone who doesn't want anyone (except Jeff Goldblum and his primate friend) to see them shower.
18. An exciting Rambo cat mousepad to replace that old boring Dell one you've had since your first computer.
19. A pet umbrella that might seem silly until your dog finally agrees to go out in the rain.
20. A bear rug trivet so you can sensually lay down your hot, hot meals.
21. An outrageously adorable Frenchie oven mitt you're gonna wanna get your mitts on right away.
22. Wine lip tint to stain your lips almost as well as if you just downed a bottle of merlot.
23. Cat-paw tongs, because your cat puts its paws on all your food anyway.
24. Cord ties with long tongues to keep you from getting your wires crossed.
25. A set of "sock monsters" who will make you smile, especially when you see how well they keep your socks together in the laundry.
26. A hilarious little face scrubber to help you remove excess oil and dirt. Your face will be blackhead free, but you might have more smile lines after using this little guy.
27. A whimsical bookmark for people who wish they could have dropped their house on the Wicked Witch of the East. Smooshing her inside a book will have to do.
28. A pimple popping device that's hilariously gross but also a great way to keep you from squeezing the real zits on your face.
29. A doormat with the holy trinity of items you need. It's gonna be hard to forget your wallet with this thing staring at you every time you step out of the door.
30. A Deadpool mousepad that's frankly your breast chance at getting proper wrist support.
31. A workout book written by Ruth Bader Ginsberg's personal trainer so you can get as strong as the Supreme Court Justice herself.
32. A sauce holder that clips onto the air vent of your car so you can dunk your nugs in that sweet sauce, hands-free.
33. An finally, a sweary journal to keep all your favorite recipes passed down from one potty mouth to the next.
These products will turn that frown upsi– hmmm....
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