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    30 Hilarious Valentine's Day Gifts That Are Actually Useful

    "Hahaha...oh wait, this is helpful, thank you."

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    1. A calendar filled with pooping dogs to ironically make 2020 feel less crappy.

    2. A simply ~splashing~ shower curtain featuring Nigel and his...Thornberrys.

    3. Jizz — a competitive game everyone will be ~pumped~ to play.

    4. A set of brain slice coasters for doctors, nurses, scientists, and...serial killers?

    5. A coloring book dedicated to something you and your loved one see a lot.

    6. A poke-able corgi butt mousepad if they're into that kind of thing.

    7. A cable charm that protects their cord from fraying AND makes it look like a unicorn is nibbling on their phone.

    8. A wine condom for people who won't stop saying "penis grigio."

    9. A well-endowed ash tray, if your audience still giggles at the sight of them.

    10. A tin of Shakespeare band-aids that add insult to injury (but still make great bandages).

    11. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers to keep their feet warm and toasty.

    12. A foaming clay mask to turn skincare into a total gigglefest.

    13. A naughty cookie cutter that'll show them a sneak peek at what's for dessert.

    14. Finger claws to make them feel like a tiny dinosaur while chowing down on wings. But like, a really clean dino, because their hands will be spotless.

    15. A pair of salt and pepper shakers that spend their time "porking" when not seasoning food.

    16. A whimsical bookmark for people who wish they could have dropped their house on the Wicked Witch of the East. Smooshing her inside a book will have to do.

    17. A pack of penis lipsticks in so many shades, you won't even feel like a dick if you save one for yourself.

    18. A Deadpool mousepad that's frankly their breast chance at getting proper wrist support.

    19. A floral penis mug with specimens in various stages of blooming. 😳

    20. A pair of fondue mugs for anyone looking to dip their toes into the world of fondue. I personally, would like to dip my whole body into a vat of melted cheese, thank you.

    21. A pair of mirrored glasses so they can enjoy a good book or TV show without bothering to sit up.

    22. A pair of Mickey Mouse gloves that double as oven mitts. They're so cute, your partner may just wear 'em all day.

    23. A moisturizing butt mask so they can pamper themselves on both ends.

    24. A Smell My Nuts candle that smells like banana nut bread, toasted coconut, and hazelnut. What did you think it would smell like?

    25. A salami bouquet, because let's be real — you can't eat a floral one.

    26. A fill-in-the-blank-book ready to be filled with all your best inside jokes and gentle ribbing.

    27. Granny PottyMouth’s Fast as F*ck Cookbook — for the foul-mouthed chef who thinks cursing at the food makes it taste better.

    28. A novelty couples game that's basically sexy truth or dare.

    29. A sassy pair of socks that, if the boots are made for walking, are made for talking (shit).

    30. And a cheerful tapestry to remind them that things could always be worse.

    Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!