Skip To Content

    30 Hilarious Valentine's Day Gifts That Are Actually Useful

    "Hahaha...oh wait, this is helpful, thank you."

    We hope you love the products we recommend! All of them were independently selected by our editors. Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page if you decide to shop from them. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

    1. A calendar filled with pooping dogs to ironically make 2020 feel less crappy.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $16.99.

    2. A simply ~splashing~ shower curtain featuring Nigel and his...Thornberrys.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $23.79.

    3. Jizz — a competitive game everyone will be ~pumped~ to play.

    Firebox

    Fill this gizmo up with water (or any other liquid) to get started. Spin the balls to see how many pumps the player needs to perform, plus where they need to aim it.

    Get it from Firebox for $26.99.

    4. A set of brain slice coasters for doctors, nurses, scientists, and...serial killers?

    Amazon

    Promising review: "I'm a pretty big fan of these coasters. They're clear thick glass and they have four rubbery feet on them so they don't slip around and so they have some space between them when they are stacked. The best part about them is that you get a bunch of coasters — standard coaster quantity is usually four, so I was able to supply my entire office with coasters and have a couple left over for me." —Megan F.

    Get a set of 10 from Amazon for $34.99.

    5. A coloring book dedicated to something you and your loved one see a lot.

    amazon.com

    Get it from Amazon for $7.97.

    6. A poke-able corgi butt mousepad if they're into that kind of thing.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $13.99+ (available in nine styles).

    7. A cable charm that protects their cord from fraying AND makes it look like a unicorn is nibbling on their phone.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $3.97.

    8. A wine condom for people who won't stop saying "penis grigio."

    amazon.com

    See BuzzFeed's full review for wine condoms.

    Promising review: "One of the greatest gifts ever. Practical yet hysterical." —Sal Vation

    Get a pack of six from Amazon for $16.97.

    9. A well-endowed ash tray, if your audience still giggles at the sight of them.

    amazon.com

    Promising review: "Got this as a gag gift for my aunts! They absolutely loved it and couldn’t stop laughing when they opened it! Such a perfect gift especially for a person who loves boobs and smokes." —Jannah

    Get it from Amazon for $16.99 (also available in legs or a butt).

    10. A tin of Shakespeare band-aids that add insult to injury (but still make great bandages).

    Archie McPhee, amazon.com

    It comes with 15 bandages and a secret prize!

    Promising review: "Not only are these clever, they're also durable. I'm a server, so I wash my hands 50 times a day, these stayed on my finger all day!" —Jhasmine

    Get it from Amazon for $6.69.

    11. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers to keep their feet warm and toasty.

    Amazon

    Promising review: "I saw this on Facebook a while back and could NOT stop laughing about the pun.... loafers!!!!! Then I happened upon them on Amazon, and I just had to. They are super soft to the touch. Super happy with this purchase!" —Rose Ingraffia

    Get them from Amazon for $16.99+ (available in sizes M–L and seven styles).

    12. A foaming clay mask to turn skincare into a total gigglefest.

    amazon.com

    Promising review: "Love it! Bought it after I found it on YouTube. It's very fun to wear, but it actually works really well too! Less annoying and flaky than the drying charcoal masks I normally buy. My skin is cleaner, but not dry and tight, after using it. My pores look smaller and it has definitely helped with my blemishes!" —Autumn

    Get it from Amazon for $7.99.

    13. A naughty cookie cutter that'll show them a sneak peek at what's for dessert.

    Amazon

    Promising review: "Love it! A great quality cutter that made baking fun!" —E.B.

    Get it from Amazon for $9.95.

    14. Finger claws to make them feel like a tiny dinosaur while chowing down on wings. But like, a really clean dino, because their hands will be spotless.

    Amazon

    Get six from Amazon for $14.95.

    15. A pair of salt and pepper shakers that spend their time "porking" when not seasoning food.

    Amazon

    Promising review: "Good for a laugh gift to bawdy pig lovers. They do the jobs they are meant to do. Use your own discretion to decide if this is appropriate for the circumstance." —Theresa L. Owen

    Get them from Amazon for $10.99.

    16. A whimsical bookmark for people who wish they could have dropped their house on the Wicked Witch of the East. Smooshing her inside a book will have to do.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $27.99.

    17. A pack of penis lipsticks in so many shades, you won't even feel like a dick if you save one for yourself.

    Amazon, amazon.com

    Don't be silly, keep a willy for yourself.

    Get a pack of 12 from Amazon for $18.99.

    18. A Deadpool mousepad that's frankly their breast chance at getting proper wrist support.

    Amazon

    Promising review: "You know, I know that they made this as a novelty product, but honestly, the crease in the gel pad is just incredibly comfortable. It simply provides better support than a standard mousepad with a single-bar gel pad. It's spread out over your wrist rather than touching only a single point. Really helps with wrist posture." —wordfiend

    Get it from Amazon for $18.97.

    19. A floral penis mug with specimens in various stages of blooming. 😳

    Amazon

    This mug is dishwasher and microwave safe!

    Get it from Amazon for $13.99.

    20. A pair of fondue mugs for anyone looking to dip their toes into the world of fondue. I personally, would like to dip my whole body into a vat of melted cheese, thank you.

    amazon.com, Amazon

    Promising review: "This really was a GREAT product! It avoids all the hassles of a common fondue pot (the need to sit around, hard to reach, messy) and the personal portions definitely make it a more fun experience! It's designed perfectly, to accommodate a tea light candle, keep it lit, AND keep the cheese hot and bubbling for the entire time!" —MT Inc.

    Get them from Amazon for $14.95.

    21. A pair of mirrored glasses so they can enjoy a good book or TV show without bothering to sit up.

    Amazon

    Promising review: "I didn't know what I was missing until I used this. My life is now complete. If you enjoy comfort and lazy binge-watching and don't care how ridiculous you look wearing these, then you have found nirvana. My glasses fit in these just fine. Takes a minute to get used to, then it becomes your reason to live. Expect people to laugh at you, but forgive them for they know not what they are missing." —Michael Boyd

    Get them from Amazon for $12.99.

    22. A pair of Mickey Mouse gloves that double as oven mitts. They're so cute, your partner may just wear 'em all day.

    amazon.com

    Promising review: "We love these!! They're durable, fun, and perfect for my Disney-obsessed family! They're awesome!" —Jacque Maxwell

    Get it from Amazon for $24.99.

    23. A moisturizing butt mask so they can pamper themselves on both ends.

    Free People

    There are four different varieties: Bite It (hydrating and toning), Shake It (firming and illuminating), Slap It (re-texturizing and detoxifying), and Squeeze It (brightening and rejuvenating).

    Get it from Amazon for $9.95 (available in four versions) or Free People for $9.00 (available in two versions).

    24. A Smell My Nuts candle that smells like banana nut bread, toasted coconut, and hazelnut. What did you think it would smell like?

    amazon.com, amazon.com

    Promising review: "I bought this candle as a gift for my husband for Valentine's Day. Let me just say that is was a huge hit! First of all, the name. I mean, come on, any company that can have that kind of humor with their products is the kind of company that I want to give my business to. But it's not just a gimmick! This candle smells so incredibly amazing! You really don't have to even burn it, just leave the lid off and the scent will fill the room. My husband put this in his 'man cave' and lit it. Within 20 minutes, I swear, you could smell it throughout the whole house! So this is a win/win situation for everyone because we both get to enjoy the pleasure of it's yummy and amazing aroma!" —BecLovesBooks

    Get it from Amazon for $10.99.

    25. A salami bouquet, because let's be real — you can't eat a floral one.

    Mancrates

    This bouquet includes eight ounces of Columbus peppered chub, sopressata chub, calabrese chub, chorizo chub, and Italian dry chub.

    Promising review: "Got this for my fiancé for Valentine's Day and he could not be happier (he is full Italian and his mother brings a suitcase full of salami when she comes to visit). However, he has loved every flavor and has gotten to the point of hiding them from me. Best present I've got him thus far (besides myself, duhhh)." —Daisha

    Get it from Mancrates for $59.99

    26. A fill-in-the-blank-book ready to be filled with all your best inside jokes and gentle ribbing.

    Amazon, amazon.com

    One reviewer wrote (seen in the right image): "I love to watch you lift heavy weights (aka get yuuuugge)." That's just an example of something you could write to make them laugh!

    Promising review: "This was fun to fill out and my husband enjoyed it! It really made me stop and think and I took a few days to mull over some of the questions! There are so many directions you can take with it: serious, sexy, funny, or genuine. I mixed it all up and he had fun reading them! A great way to say all the little things that you don't ever think of mentioning." —RnAshAsh

    Get it from Amazon for $7.08.

    27. Granny PottyMouth’s Fast as F*ck Cookbook — for the foul-mouthed chef who thinks cursing at the food makes it taste better.

    Amazon

    Make delicious as fuck recipes like butternut squash and apple orgasm, crepes–not crap, bad-ass beef and broccoli, and more.

    Get it from Amazon for $16.51.

    28. A novelty couples game that's basically sexy truth or dare.

    Amazon

    There are three types of cards: talk, flirt, and dare. The talk cards encourage discussion, the flirt cards promote flirting and closeness, and the dare cards push you two to try new things.

    Promising review: "This game is super fun! My husband and I played it on a road trip and instead of driving for hours in silence or discussing mundane things, such as errands and dull highway surroundings, we played the questions game and got such a blast out of it! We have been married for many years now and it was surprising how well we knew each other in some areas and were completely surprised by some of the responses. It was very engaging and fun, that time just flew by! When we got to the hotel later that evening, we played the Flirt and Dare games and had a truly romantic evening. The Flirts were romantic with a touch of intimacy and the dares were just a the right level, fun with a touch of kink vs. other games that we've tried where dares were too blunt or completely overboard. Overall I had a lot of fun! If you want to reconnect with you partner, this game is for you!" —Irina Funtikov

    Get it from Amazon for $21.95.

    29. A sassy pair of socks that, if the boots are made for walking, are made for talking (shit).

    Amazon

    Get them from Amazon for $5.48+ (available in over 80 styles).

    30. And a cheerful tapestry to remind them that things could always be worse.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $13.91+ (available in four sizes).

    Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!

    BuzzFeed

    Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.

    Need A Shopping Buddy?

    Get great products - from pros in the fine art of buying stuff online - delivered to your inbox!
    Newsletter signup form