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What I Learned Getting My Back Waxed

Men are wussies.

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I'm a hairy dude. As Khia would say the hair is on, my neck, my back, and because I want you to keep reading this article I'll stop there, I'm sure you get the picture. This past weekend my girlfriend and I were heading to the shore for some beach fun. she suggested that I wax my back, not only for aesthetic reasons -- but for practical ones as well. Less hair, less heat, that sort of thing. Now this wasn't the first time that my girlfriend had thrown the idea out that I should wax. She doesn't mind the hair (at least that's what she claims) she just thought that it would be funny if I waxed my back, because she would be the one to do it. Call it a masculinity complex, or a side effect from a patriarchal society, but I am not going to let a perfect stranger rip the hairs from my body.

Up until then I was against the idea. I have four brothers, and I thought that they would harass me endlessly if they found out that I waxed my back. Also, fun fact about me, after I graduated high school I attempted laser hair removal -- news flash -- that shit hurts, so I hadn't attempted to remove my back hair since. That is until the day before my big beach weekend. It might have been the unbearable heat, my girlfriend's pleas, or the fact that I was drunk (probably the last one) but I decided to go for it. We went to Walgreens and bought a couple packs of DIY waxing strips. We headed back to my apartment, and I took my shirt off. Usually when I disrobe in front of my girlfriend there are whispers of sweet nothings, and tender kisses exchanged, this time I was fixing to get some hairs torn out of me.

I laid down on the bed, and my girlfriend heated the first strip up using some hot water. I'm not really going to go further into detail about the technical aspects of the procedure, because that's basically it. She put the strip on my back, and counted down. "Three, two--" she ripped before one, and I yelped like I've never yelped before, because it hurt. I would have stopped there, but I was too far down the rabbit hole (aka it would've looked weird) so we had to keep going. Forty-five painful minutes later, we were done, and I was exhausted, my back was raw, and I had that 1000 yard stare going.

Now here's what I took away from the whole experience. Men on a whole are little cry babies. I am not one for generalizations, but I'll go out on a limb here (albeit a firm one) and say that most straight men do not wax their backs. Now they may claim it's because it's a "girly" thing to do, but I'll say it right now, I hadn't done it because it looked like it freaking hurt, and it did, and I'm not afraid to admit this.

Here's the kicker. If my girlfriend who's a girl (I've had sneaking suspicions that she was a bunch of squirrels dressed up as a girl) is to be believed girl's wax themselves all the time. Not only do they wax themselves, they also let people pull their eyebrow hairs out! That's crazy, why would you let anyone do that to you? The answer is beauty. Now I'm not going to get on a soapbox and preach about our society's beauty standards, but what I will do is lay down a blanket claim that girl's are 100% more manly for doing that then any man will ever be.

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