What Does Your Guess Who Fuck Say About You?
You’re old-fashioned when it comes to love. You know it’s kinda cheesy, but nothing melts your heart like flowers, soft lighting, and a sweet nothings whispered in your ear. Alex would give you all this, and so much more.
You’re the person in the crowd at festivals that everyone notices. People follow you, and why not? You’re always going somewhere interesting. You live for music, for ideas, for long nights by the fire talking about the universe. With Alfred at your side, nothing can stop you.
You still love playing games, you mess about, you eat chocolate cereal in bed. Anita is almost 30 but her ribbons say “Fuck you” to the relentless march of time. You love this attitude – old age is for old people, not you.
Your perfect partner is just that much more sorted than you. She knows the date, the time, and the best restaurant. She’ll take you there for dinner and then you’ll get to do what you’re good at: look into her eyes and tell her she’s amazing.
You feel everything deeply. Love can be torture for you, or the best feeling in the world. You need someone like Bernard who understands. Someone who knows pain but also beauty; who writes poems that make your heart press against your ribs in a way that is both dreadful and amazing at the same time.
Life is simple to you: don’t over think things, relax, and enjoy the ride. You’re most at home in the countryside, surrounded by nature and animals. Bill will keep you company there. He’s not a complicated fellow, but he’s kind and loyal, and he loves you.
You don’t like to settle in one place for too long. You’re a free spirit and you love adventure. Charles is an ironing board salesman so he’s perfect for you. You’ll listen to Steely Dan as you cruise the open road, and have filthy encounters in seedy roadside hotels. Sometimes he’ll drive you to a quiet dirt track overlooking the twinkling lights of the big city. He won’t say anything, he’ll just hold your hand.
No one will ever call you boring – even your socks are fun. You’ve got your own unique style, and you do everything your own way. Sometimes you’ll worry that you don’t actually fancy Claire, you just really like her hats. But then she’ll say something fucking hilarious and you’ll know you made the right choice.
The best thing about you is that you’re so good at being you. You don’t need to fake it, you’ve just got it. You love cycling for coffee on Saturday, then chilling by the fire in the evening. David will chop wood for you and get rid of spiders without killing them. He’ll bake a mean soda bread if you ask nicely, too.
You seem prim and proper, but you’re a wild thing in the bedroom. Several of your fantasies involve role play. You’re a brilliant lover because you’re so full of surprises. Eric looks serious – boring even – but he’s an animal, too. And, no, he’s not actually in the Navy.
You’re super popular because you’re so thoughtful and kind. You’ve always got a smile ready for your friends, and everyone knows you’re a great listener. Frans is just like you – look at his kind eyes. He’ll make you a cup of tea that’s exactly the right shade of brown, and hold you until you feel better.
You’re that person staring out the window, lost in another world. You’ve got a great imagination, but can sometimes be a worrier. Don’t feed your anxieties by bingeing on bad news stories. Read about films, books and music instead. George is a worrier too, so you’ll need to make an effort to keep each other calm.
Some people might look at Herman and think balding, bulbous-nosed, middle-aged bloke. You look at Herman and see something special, and that’s what makes you special. You’ve sensitive and intelligent. You read between the lines. Your life will be a happy one.
Nothing makes you happier than curling up with a good book on a rainy day. You proudly call yourself a geek, and in quiet moments entertain fantasies of slaying it on a really difficult quiz show. You need a partner like Joe – someone who can challenge you and inspire you, who’ll stay up all night with you talking about Dickens and drinking red wine.
Good wine, good food, good company. You’re happiest in a beautiful cafe, in a beautiful city – Paris, say – with a beautiful woman like Maria to keep you company. After lunch, you’ll wander through the park, talking about the nature of being. Nothing is superficial with you. You live life intensely.
A big plate of spaghetti bolognese, a hearty moussaka, a steak and ale pie: That is what happiness looks like, as far as you’re concerned. Your friends adore you because you’re so kind and caring. You love to host big dinners, and you’re a fantastic cook. You need someone like Max at your side serving wine, and cracking bad jokes. He’s the salt to your pepper.
People sometimes underestimate you. Just because you’re not the noisy one in the group doesn’t mean you don’t have something super interesting to say. Paul is quiet too, but still waters run deep. You need a partner who will take the time to really get to know you. Once you relax and open up, you’re one of the finest people around.
You love love. I mean seriously love it. You literally live for love. You need a partner that’s just like you – someone like Peter, with his luscious lips and honest blue eyes. Fall in love with Peter, and then bask in the glow of intimacy for the rest of your days. You will want for nothing else.
Everyone likes you because you make them laugh. You are really, really funny, so well done you. Philip would be a great wingman. He’s not as funny as you, but he has literally the best laugh ever. He laughs harder than anyone else, which would make you feel amazing. Together you would be simply magnetic.
What a lovely person you are. You’re so thoughtful. You care about the environment, you don’t waste food, you recycle whenever you can. You’re an asset to the planet, and you need someone to love you with all their heart. Richard will adore you, and wait on you hand and foot. You deserve nothing less.
You’re brilliant with people – your natural empathy, sensitivity, and charm mean you’re incredibly popular. You have a super busy social life, and everyone wants a piece of you. That’s where Robert comes in: he’s the homebody you need to help you slow down and chill out. Let Robert introduce you to the life-changing pleasure of binge-watching Netflix for three days straight.
Home and family are hugely important to you. Even though you enjoy travelling, part of you will always be longing for the security and comfort of your own bed. To flourish, you need a partner who will stretch your horizons without scaring you. Sam is an ex-hippy backpacker who now prefers the quiet life. Marry him, have his children, but one day you have to let him take you to Rajasthan. The colours there. The colours.
You have a lot of love to give, although you don’t just hand it out willy-nilly. You shower affection on the people you are closest to, but it takes time for strangers to get to know you. Susan is like you but perhaps even more open-hearted. She will help you be the best you that you can be.
You always see the best in people and never bitch. You’re sweet and thoughtful, and incredibly trusting. Maybe too trusting sometimes – a touch of cynicism can be a good thing. You need a partner like Tom: someone who will be there to catch you when you fall. You’re a delicate soul, and you need a solid lover at your side.