1. Your boobs looking like massive, porn star implants, which are inversely proportional to how sexy you feel.
2. Permanently having two wet patches on your T-shirt from where your boobs leaked.
3. Spraying people in the eye with milk when you try to breastfeed in public.
4. Stitches on your tummy, vulva, perineum, or bum.
5. Bleeding after the birth so you have to wear gigantic, mattress-like maternity pads.
6. Everything feeling *different* down there, so that post-baby sex is both daunting and a bit painful.
7. Some sort of grisly scarring, which you’re proud of like a fisherman who survived a shark attack.
8. Still having a baby belly, even though you’ve had the baby. This can continue for a looooong time, despite the false impression created by toned celebrity mums.
9. Being several different dress sizes in the space of a year, meaning none of your clothes look or feel quite right.
10. Having no period if you carry on breastfeeding.
11. Your periods suddenly coming back when you’re not expecting it.
12. Having a good chance of getting pregnant even though you have no period.
13. Scaly, dry hands from cleaning up 10 messy newborn poos a day.
14. Cracked, peeling nails from a combination of breastfeeding and constant hand washing.
15. Really, really terrible hair which falls out in a big tangled clump.
16. Really, really terrible hair styles because you can’t get to the hairdresser with a newborn, and you’re too bloody tired to do it nicely or even wash it.
17. A weirdly wonky belly button that’s been stretched out of shape by pregnancy.
18. Loads of random new moles and skin tags.
19. New-shaped nipples after breastfeeding.
20. Ending up with crepe-paper boobs once you stop breastfeeding and the porn star implants beat a hasty retreat.
21. Puffy eyes from the torturous lack of sleep.
22. Insane night sweats, as your body rids itself of all the water it retained while you were pregnant.
23. Stretch marks in places you didn’t even know could stretch.
24. Basically having a whole new body that takes a bit of getting used to, but which you will grow to love for the champion baby-making machine that it is.