1. Wearing a thong feels like you're tightrope walking but not on your feet, on your arsecrack.
2. It's like you're a tiny lil' Borrower and you just found a string of discarded dental floss under the floorboards, and now you're flossing your arse.
3. Like you've got a wad of toilet paper stuck in your bum.
4. Like that ~hilarious~ kid at school just gave you a wedgie.
5. Like you tried to sit in Barbie's hammock but you didn't quite fit.
6. Like a funny game where you wear an elastic band on your bum, and you're like, "Look! I turned an elastic band into a pair of knickers, Mum!" and your mum's like, "That's not nice, don't do that. Now go and wash your hands."
7. Like you pooed a bit and now it's just there, trapped between your cheeks.
8. Like it's 2003.
9. Like you're drying your bum with a ribbon.
10. Like you've got hair stuck in your bumcrack, but not just one hair – a whole ponytail.
11. Like someone cast a spell on your pants and now they're freakishly deformed.
12. Like there's something bugging you, but you can't quite put your finger on what, you're just irritated, you're ratty, something's not right today.
13. Like your knickers were too small and they rode into your buttcrack.
14. Like a mistake.
15. Like it shouldn't feel like this.
16. Like something's missing.
17. Like the beginning of hemorrhoids.
18. Like you wiped your bum with water, and tissue got dried and left tangled in your bum hair and now you're just waiting 'til you can get to the toilet and sort this goddamn mess out.
19. Like you're on one of those trampolines at a holiday resort where you have to wear a harness and you just bounced.
20. Like the cruel chafe of manmade fibres on tender, tender skin.
21. Like you wore your younger sibling's pants by accident today.
22. Like the faint trumpet call of an advancing yeast infection.
23. Like the cool embrace of denim on bare arsecheek.
24. Like your bumhole will be clean, but your underwear won't be.
25. Like first-time sex – not actually that sexy and pretty uncomfortable.
26. Like you've got something stuck in your teeth, except not your teeth, your bum.
27. Like an infringement of the terms of underwear engagement.
28. Like the constant battle to resist the urge to pull out a wedgie.
29. Like you're trying to convince yourself that wedgies are actually comfortable.
30. Like grief and mourning for the old days when pants didn't do this.
31. Like you're sexy, but no one can see, so you can't quite remember why you bothered to be sexy.
32. Like you're skydiving and you released the parachute.
33. Like a teeny-tiny whale just dived into your arse.