58 Things That Probably, Definitely Happened To Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston On That Beach In Suffolk
They're just an ordinary couple in love.
1. Taylor was expecting neon lilos and lots of splashing about in the sea, but it turned out mid-summer in Suffolk was more like January in LA.
2. There was a fuck of a lot of pebbles, but no sand.
3. Taylor asked why there were so many pebbles, and Tom thought better of giving her a lecture on the prevailing currents of the North Sea. But he knew about them. He knew about them alright.
4. Taylor had her union jack bikini under her poncho. Tom swore he had brought his trunks, but she was starting to wonder if he was lying.
5. The paparazzi were all wearing fleeces. This was annoying – they looked a lot warmer.
6. Taylor shivered. She was slightly regretting tipping off the paps now – she hadn’t expected to be wearing her striped poncho-hoodie thing in all the shots.
7. “It’s so lovely here, Tim,” she said. Although her eyes said, “Where are we??”
8. “It’s Tom, Tay-Tay,” he said, wondering if anyone actually called her that in real life.
9. Tom realised they hadn’t done anything romantic in at least 10 minutes, and reached for Taylor’s hand.
10. At the same moment, Tom’s mum reached for Tom’s hand.
11. They decided to style it out, make a thing of it. They all linked arms and walked along the shore like this was something they did together all the time.
12. They kept laughing and Tom thought it probably looked quite natural even if it didn’t sound natural.
13. They heard a clatter of camera shutters in the distance.
14. Yes, thought Tom. This is the sort of thing that a very in-love couple and one of their mums would do.
15. As the minutes passed, Tom started to wonder if actually this whole linked arms thing was really weird.
16. He shook himself free, giving Taylor what felt like a loving smile, drawing on the same well of emotion he used during a tender love scene.
17. They wandered along the beach searching for shells but there were no shells, only brown pebbles.
18. Tom’s mum wondered how long her son had known this singer. Taylor seemed nice, if a little quiet, but she kept turning her head and standing at a 30-degree angle to the cameras with a strange, frozen smile.
19. Tom’s mum said, “Taylor, what are the beaches like in America?”
20. Taylor said, “They’re nice.”
21. Tom’s mum wanted to make this walk fun and special. One day – you never know – they might talk about it during the speeches at Tom’s wedding.
22. “Oi, Taylor, over here!” bellowed a paparazzi from the bushes. “Gizza smile!”
23. Tom wanted to chat to his new serious girlfriend about books and art, but he didn’t know which books or art to mention.
24. Taylor found a dead crab, which to be fair was a really pretty shade of pink.
25. Tom laughed and smiled, trying to ignore the paparazzi.
26. The camera flashes reminded him of watching the eclipse on the beach in 1997. He wondered how old Taylor had been then. Seven. She would’ve been about seven, and he’d have been 16.
27. He stopped thinking about the eclipse.
28. For want of anything more romantic to do, he held Taylor’s hand again.
29. Yes, this is exactly what love looks like, he thought.
30. Taylor needed the loo.
31. Together they discussed their options: Should she squat in the dunes and bury the evidence while he distracted the paparazzi, or should she go for a bracing dip in the sea and secretly relieve herself there?
32. They felt their relationship move to a new level of intimacy.
33. In the end, Taylor decided she’d just hold it in.
34. They paddled in the sea, keenly aware that the photographers needed to see they were having a Very Romantic Time.
35. “Tim, help!” squealed Taylor, as a rogue wave soaked the ankles of her skinny jeans.
36. Tom resisted the urge to correct his name – the last thing he needed was a photo where she looked unhappy.
37. Instead, he laughed and said “Tay!” as they ran to the shore, hand in hand, just like two people who were deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love with each other.
38. Tom’s mum said, “What do you think of the British summer, Taylor? Disappointing?”
39. Taylor gave her most affectionate daughter-in-law smile, but secretly wondered if there was any way she could get Tom on her own for a kiss without his mum being there. It wouldn’t be great to have her in all the pictures.
40. Taylor and Tom made eye contact. They needed to think of something romantic to do, and fast.
41. Tom and Taylor sat on the damp pebble shore, and Tom put his arm around Taylor.
42. A chorus of approval from the cameras behind them.
43. The pebbles were uncomfortable, and their jeans were getting wet, but once they’d committed to this romantic moment neither of them was prepared to go back on it.
44. Taylor shifted ever so slightly, nestling her bum into a kinder crevice.
45. She wondered if she’d ever write a song about this cold English beach, and thought probably not.
46. “This is nice, Tim,” she said.
47. It’s probably just her accent, thought Tom. She definitely knows my name.
48. They felt the lenses of the paparazzi on their backs and Taylor hoped her hair hadn’t gone weird in the wind.
49. Tom thought about whether this was the sort of thing James Bond would do, and decided definitely yes, it was very suave and British to be sitting on the beach looking out to sea.
50. Tom’s mum came over and said, “Room for a little one?”
51. Did James Bond have a mum? No, he was an orphan. This bit wasn’t quite right.
52. They had an awkward silence.
53. “I’m sorry about us having to stop at the post office this morning,” said Tom’s mum. “Do you have post offices like that in America? I expect they’re much nicer.”
54. “Hahaha,” said Taylor. She was struggling to feel in love right now, so she pretended they were all filming a music video. That made it easier.
55. No one said anything for a bit.
56. “Norfolk’s pretty,” said Taylor.
57. “Mmm,” said Tom.
58. They went home.