47 Things That Will Definitely Happen On "Bake Off" This Year

There will be 756 sexual innuendos.

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1. Paul will tip his head down a little bit, glance up, and penetrate the soul of a nervous contestant with his ice-blue eyes.

2. At some point, the tent will go quiet and everyone will just be crouching down, staring into their ovens.

3. There won’t be enough room in the freezer.

4. There won’t be enough room in the freezer again.

5. Someone will run to the freezer with their liquid-y, unset crème pât, and find it’s already full.

6. Three people will collide at the freezer and discover that, devastatingly, there’s no room inside it and their showstoppers are going to be ruined.

7. Mary will narrow her eyes slightly and purse her lips at someone’s ingredients list.

8. One of the bakers will interact with their cake in an unconventional manner. Like, “I turn it upside down, knock on the base three times and ask if anyone’s there. If I hear a little voice inside, it’s ready.”

9. There will be 756 sexual innuendos.

10. Sue will imply something so unspeakably debauched with a metaphor about cakes and fingers that you’ll wonder if it’s appropriate before the watershed.

11. An overly cocky contestant will attempt the showstopper to end all showstoppers.

12. It won’t go quite to plan.

13. The showstopper to end all showstoppers will end up as a sad heap of undercooked sponge, liquid icing, and fractured sugar work.

14. Someone’s cake will end up on the floor.

15. Someone will build something so extraordinary out of cake that you will question everything you’ve ever done, because it was all just so ~ordinary~ compared to this five-story raspberry-encrusted masterpiece.

16. Several people will fuck up so drastically that they have to start again.

17. Mary and Paul will set a technical challenge so fiendish and confusing that no two finished bakes will look the same.

18. Mary will turn a mouthful of cake over in her mouth and declare the sponge slightly too dry.

19. Mary will wear a jacket so stunning it will sell out in minutes.

20. Something will explode.

21. Something will curdle.

22. Something will separate.

23. Several things will burn.

24. Someone will set their oven 50 degrees too high and their technical challenge will be ruined.

25. Someone will set their oven 50 degrees too low, and will be extremely confused as to why their bake is still runny while everyone else’s is perfectly done.

26. Someone will forget to put their oven on at all.

27. A contestant will walk slowly to the judging table, their showstopper quivering in their hands, tears brimming in their eyes.

28. The showstopper will collapse the moment Mary touches it with a knife.

29. Sue will console the weeping baker back at their bench.

30. Someone will attempt to use the freezer to compensate for the fact that their bake isn’t properly cooked.

31. It won’t work.

32. One baker will be so bad at everything that you can’t figure out how they got chosen for the show in the first place.

33. There will be a baker that for some reason is just slightly annoying and you’ll be secretly a tiny bit happy when they fuck up their bake.

34. There will be a baker that is way too pleased with themselves, a proper teacher’s pet show-off, and you’ll be secretly a tiny bit happy when they fuck up their bake.

35. There will be a baker who you love with all your heart, and every time they fuck up it will break you.

36. Two contestants who appear totally incompatible will form a heart-warming friendship, full of fist bumps, encouraging smiles, and bear hugs.

37. Someone’s deformed signature bake will look like slightly rude.

38. One confident baker will attempt to build something utterly preposterous out of bread, like a multi-story carpark or a ballerina.

39. Despite their best efforts, the finished “work” will look quite crap and honestly not worth the effort.

40. It will rain.

41. Mel and Sue will give you intense friendship goals.

42. Paul will quietly damn someone’s signature bake idea, and Mel will comfort them afterwards.

43. Mary will make you feel inspired and excited to one day be 81.

44. Everyone will imagine having sex with Paul, even the straight men and the gay women and the people who don’t even like Paul.

45. 80% of the contestants will cry.

46. 80% of the viewers at home will cry.

47. The nation will fall so passionately in love with a contestant that we will never be the same again.