1. There’s no need to actually be naked to have sex in the movies.
Bras and pants may remain on in movie sex. Scientists believe this is because movie underwear is made of a special membrane, a bit like Gortex, which lets penises in but keeps rain out.
IRL: Underwear can form a barrier to sex.
Attempting penetrative intercourse through pants will lead to disappointment and/or chafing.
2. No one wears a condom in the movies.
So boring, pointless, and unsexy.
3. Penetration happens immediately in movie sex.
There’s no faffing about. As soon as sex begins, the man penetrates the woman with the nonchalance of someone poking his finger into a Nutella jar. Rather than grimacing in pain, the woman will immediately come.
IRL: Women are not “just always ready” for a penis.
Women are not Nutella jars. Most men attempting to immediately stick it in will be met with a barrier of uncomfortable resistance. Touching and kissing were invented to solve this problem.
4. Movie women make constant orgasm noises during sex.
All women in the movies make constant pleasure sounds during sex, gasping over and over again as if they are orgasming the whole way through.
IRL: Women do not have constant, immediate orgasms.
You may find the woman doesn’t go “uh, uh, uh, uh, uh” the whole way through sex. This does not automatically mean she is dead or asleep.
5. All movie people have super-sexy underwear.
What’s Natalie Portman got under her scruffy old vest? Why, a hot-as-you-like lacy bra, of course, to guarantee maximum sauciness during any unexpected sex encounters.
IRL: old underwear.
Look, you’ll both be naked soon so don’t get weird if your partner wears gross, old underwear that Natalie Portman wouldn’t be seen dead in.
6. Getting undressed is simple and sexy in the movies.
White shirt with fiddly buttons? No problem for nimble-fingered movie ladies! Look how she throws her head back with sexy glee at how easy she finds this.
IRL: lots of awkward stumbling about.
Armholes, buttons, zips, trouser legs – these things pose a very real challenge to the sexiness of a real-life romantic encounter. Can falling over ever be attractive? You’ll find out soon enough.
7. Water sex.
Movies people have sex in the water ALL THE TIME. Public swimming pools, the sea, the shower – you name it. Water sex is some of the sexiest sex available to movies people.
IRL: verruca plasters.
Public swimming pool sex is illegal and only recommended for people with a love of wet hair, prison, and floating plasters. Sea sex poses problems IRL due to sand, stones, urchins, jellyfish, nearby children, and arrest for indecent exposure.
8. Walking-around sex.
In the movies, the penis is as strong as a wrestler’s arm. It is easy, and in fact quite relaxing, for a man to stride around a room with a woman perched on his penis, having sex while ramming into walls.