39 Humiliations That Are Too Real If You Work In An Office
Making shit small talk with a colleague you hardly know.
1. When you're walking to the toilet and realise your boss is going there too.
2. When you stop and start reading a notice on the wall as if that was your intention all along because you don't want them to hear you wee.
3. When you meet someone for a work lunch and afterwards you don't know whether to shake their hand, hug them, kiss them on the cheek, or just wave awkwardly.
4. When you decide on a hug, but they go for a handshake.
5. When you end up holding their hand and sort of half-hugging, and maybe someone even does an air kiss, and it's way too intimate.
6. When you try to print something and the printer jams and you know at some point 20 pages of your "novel" will pop out and you wonder if you should guard the printer until it's mended.
7. When you have a poo in the work toilets and realise there's no toilet paper left.
8. When you have to put your underwear back on and shuffle very, ~very~ carefully to another cubicle without anyone noticing.
9. When you do a poo in the work toilets, and it sounds like Tom Daley fucking up a dive, and you have to stay in the cubicle until every last person that might have heard has left.
10. When you're "borrowing" the IT department's milk, but you don't know what the IT department look like, and actually this person standing watching you is probably one of them.
11. When you get in the lift with a colleague you don't know very well.
12. When you get in a lift with a colleague you don't know very well, and the only thing you can think to say is, "Brrr, it's cold today," and they just sort of half-smile and look away.
13. When an email goes around about putting things in the dishwasher and you literally just left your breakfast plate on the side.
14. When a murmur goes up across the office, "What's that smell?" "Ew, gross, what is that", and it's your tupperware of leftovers.
15. When your boss praises you in a meeting, and you blush and smile, but then you realise they're talking about THE OTHER Chris.
16. When you need to fart and try to hold it in.
17. When you need to fart and you can't hold it in, and then you have to wait and see if it's going to be bad.
18. When you come to work dressed exactly the same as someone else.
19. When a colleague on maternity leave pops in and everyone starts kissing them hello, but you didn't think you were that close so you stay back and then they give you a weird look.
20. When you psyche yourself up to ask your boss for a pay rise, but then you fumble your Great Speech About How Amazing You Are and the meeting ends in an analysis of the things you haven't quite achieved recently.
21. When you get an email from your boss saying: "Can I have a quick word in my office?", and you know it's not about a pay rise.
22. When you get an email from your boss saying, "Can I have a quick word in my office this afternoon?", and you get immediate nerves-induced diarrhoea, and spend the rest of the day unable to focus on your job because you are so afraid of the bad news.
23. When you get a bit too drunk at work drinks.
24. When you get a bit too honest at work drinks.
25. When someone has a rubbish idea in a meeting and you destroy it, and everyone goes quiet afterwards and you realise you're basically evil.
26. When you pitch an idea and someone else says it's rubbish, and you don't recover for the rest of the day.
27. When you're walking to the toilet after holding in for ages and your walk is both fast and restricted at the same time, and you hope no one notices.
28. When you're walking to the toilet after holding in for ages, and you bump into a colleague who wants to catch up quickly.
29. When you're not sure if everyone just went for lunch without you.
30. When your boss asks you to do a thing you know you'll be bad at but you say yes just to show you're a "doer".
31. When you apply for a promotion and you don't hear back for, like, two weeks.
32. When you finally hear back and it's a very positive, "I'm sorry, but no".
33. When you bump into the colleague that didn't give you the promotion and you don't quite pull off the fake smile that's meant to hide your bitterness.
34. When they promote someone younger than you.
35. When you bump into a pregnant colleague and can't think of anything to say, so you smile and gesture that their stomach is huge, and then you realise you basically just called them an enormous whale in mime.
36. When you moan about an absent colleague being a massive shirker, and then a discreet email goes around saying they're really ill.
37. When you get drunk at the Christmas party and jokingly tell your boss they should promote you (you're convinced this is how networking works) and your boss just looks appalled.
38. When you hit reply instead of reply-all.
39. When you hit reply-all instead of reply.