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How Crap Is Your Love Life Actually?

Cupid? Never heard of him.

Posted on
  1. Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Tick off everything that has ever happened to you on a date.

    Check
    Your date turned up 30 minutes late.
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    Your date turned up one hour late.
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    Your date texted on the day of the date to cancel.
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    Your date texted one hour before the date to cancel.
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    Your date texted 15 minutes before the date to cancel.
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    They texted 15 minutes into the date, while you were sitting alone in the bar, to say sorry they couldn’t make it.
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    They just never showed up and you never heard from them again.
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    Your date came straight from the gym covered in sweat.
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    Your date was rude to the waiter.
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    Your date didn’t tip.
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    Your date sneezed without covering their mouth.
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    They picked their nose quite graphically.
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    They ate noisily with their mouth open.
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    They spoke with their mouth full to the point that bits of food were flying everywhere.
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    They didn’t eat or drink ANYTHING AT ALL.
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    They boasted about their accomplishments.
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    They didn’t ask you any questions about yourself.
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    They talked about their ex.
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    They said they were still in love with their ex.
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    They cried.
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    Their kiss was like a tortoise sticking its head in and out of its shell really, really fast into your mouth.
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    They kissed like an unenthusiastic ghost.
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    They kissed like a washing machine.
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    They licked your face.
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    They wouldn’t let you share their food.
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    They took your food without asking.
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    They argued with you constantly.
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    They told you they didn’t like you.
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    They got incredibly drunk and started insulting other people in the bar.
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    They were sick.
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    They talked constantly about their exercise regime.
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    You accidentally spilled something and they completely freaked out.
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    They accused you of having bad manners.
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    They rolled their eyes when you said something.
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    They asked you to pay the bill.
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    They wanted to split the bill “fairly” using a calculator, and quibbled over exactly who’d had what.
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    They said they hated books.
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    They tried to kick off the night with 10 shots of Jäger.
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    They only drank Jägerbombs the entire night.
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    They said they were “going to the loo” half way through, and never came back.
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    They stood up and walked out without saying anything, and never came back.
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    They started singing.
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    Your date said, “I’d love to see you again!" but then never got in touch.
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    You found out they had lied about their age by several years.
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    You found out they had lied about their job.
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    They said they didn’t believe in evolution.
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    They said they didn’t like cheese.
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    They asked for the waiter’s number.
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    They broke off the date to go and ring their mum.
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    Their mum rang them several times.
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    Their mum rang them several times and they answered.
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    You saw a load of condoms in their wallet, and realised they ~wanted~ you to see.
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    They sent you more than 20 messages after the date even though you had stopped replying by message four.
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    They told you about their shockingly taboo fetish.
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    They never stopped checking their phone.
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    They said they didn’t like your hair.
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    They criticised your outfit.
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    They complained that you were too loud.
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    They were too loud.
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    They said poor people probably brought it on themselves.
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    They were racist.
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    They started ranting about something quite early on, and then didn't let up for the rest of the night.
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    They dumped you even though you weren’t sure you were even dating yet.
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    They said, “Sorry, but I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now”, even though YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
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    They asked for detailed feedback when you said sadly you didn’t think there was chemistry.
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    They said you were stupid and wrong, and didn’t have a clue about how amazing they were, when you said there wasn’t any chemistry.
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    They screamed at you in the street at the end and said they never wanted to see you again before storming off into the night.
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