Your date turned up 30 minutes late.Your date turned up one hour late.Your date texted on the day of the date to cancel.Your date texted one hour before the date to cancel.Your date texted 15 minutes before the date to cancel.They texted 15 minutes into the date, while you were sitting alone in the bar, to say sorry they couldn’t make it.They just never showed up and you never heard from them again.Your date came straight from the gym covered in sweat.Your date was rude to the waiter.Your date didn’t tip.Your date sneezed without covering their mouth.They picked their nose quite graphically.They ate noisily with their mouth open.They spoke with their mouth full to the point that bits of food were flying everywhere.They didn’t eat or drink ANYTHING AT ALL.They boasted about their accomplishments.They didn’t ask you any questions about yourself.They talked about their ex.They said they were still in love with their ex.They cried.Their kiss was like a tortoise sticking its head in and out of its shell really, really fast into your mouth.They kissed like an unenthusiastic ghost.They kissed like a washing machine.They licked your face.They wouldn’t let you share their food.They took your food without asking.They argued with you constantly.They told you they didn’t like you.They got incredibly drunk and started insulting other people in the bar.They were sick.They talked constantly about their exercise regime.You accidentally spilled something and they completely freaked out.They accused you of having bad manners.They rolled their eyes when you said something.They asked you to pay the bill.They wanted to split the bill “fairly” using a calculator, and quibbled over exactly who’d had what.They said they hated books.They tried to kick off the night with 10 shots of Jäger.They only drank Jägerbombs the entire night.They said they were “going to the loo” half way through, and never came back.They stood up and walked out without saying anything, and never came back.They started singing.Your date said, “I’d love to see you again!" but then never got in touch.You found out they had lied about their age by several years.You found out they had lied about their job.They said they didn’t believe in evolution.They said they didn’t like cheese.They asked for the waiter’s number.They broke off the date to go and ring their mum.Their mum rang them several times.Their mum rang them several times and they answered.You saw a load of condoms in their wallet, and realised they ~wanted~ you to see.They sent you more than 20 messages after the date even though you had stopped replying by message four.They told you about their shockingly taboo fetish.They never stopped checking their phone.They said they didn’t like your hair.They criticised your outfit.They complained that you were too loud.They were too loud.They said poor people probably brought it on themselves.They were racist.They started ranting about something quite early on, and then didn't let up for the rest of the night.They dumped you even though you weren’t sure you were even dating yet.They said, “Sorry, but I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now”, even though YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.They asked for detailed feedback when you said sadly you didn’t think there was chemistry.They said you were stupid and wrong, and didn’t have a clue about how amazing they were, when you said there wasn’t any chemistry.They screamed at you in the street at the end and said they never wanted to see you again before storming off into the night.
How Crap Is Your Love Life Actually?
It’s not like every date is a dream come true for you, but you seem to have a knack for choosing mostly normal, functioning human beings to go for a drink with. Lucky you: This is not how dating is for many, many of the world’s people. On the downside it means that you do not have enough terrible dating stories to amuse your friends with. Maybe it’s time to take a few more chances, swipe right for someone a bit quirky and see what happens?
Well done you! You’ve put up with some distinctly 3/10 dates and lived to tell the tale. But for every arsehole who quibbled over the bill or went in for an unwelcome snog, there have been some brilliant laughs that make dating worth it. And on the plus side, your hilarious dating stories have kept your friends entertained for hours.
First things first: It’s not you, it’s them! You’ve had to put up with some utter buffoons on the dating scene, but that’s clearly because you’re a good person, and – sad but true – sometimes the best people attract the biggest wankers. Do not despair. You have done your time and cosmic karma is now on your side: We reckon your next date is going to be a good one.