26 Things You're Definitely Afraid Of If You Live In London
A pigeon flying into your head.
1. Getting trapped in the tube gates.
The snapping sound they make when they slam shut gives you a shiver every time.
2. A pigeon flying into your head.
They come at you like missiles sometimes.
3. A pigeon pooing on your head.
Yeah, yeah, good luck schmood luck.
4. Getting stuck behind a group of tourists walking very, very slowly.
Brings out the psychopath in you.
5. The bus driver not noticing you rung the bell and driving past your stop.
"Help!"
6. The steps of the escalator collapsing, so you fall into the grinding machinery beneath.
The horror.
7. Your shoe lace getting trapped in the escalator, and eventually your whole body being very slowly ground to a pulp.
Double horror.
8. A bit of your jacket getting trapped in the tube doors and then being dragged along the platform.
There are no words.
9. A stranger sitting at your table in Pret.
Oh god why.
10. Your tube getting stuck in a tunnel.
Especially a crowded tube.
11. The bus driver getting into an argument with someone and turning off the engine.
12. A stranger sitting next to you on the tube or bus when there are other empty seats available.
So damn creepy.
13. When you have no change, and someone gets onto your tube carriage and asks for money.
And then you think that they think you're lying and you feel guilty.
14. Being stopped by a charity mugger.
A pox on those guys.
15. Living in North London and being invited for dinner in South London.
And vice versa.
16. A massive group of school children getting on your tube.
There's a school trip of about 30 six year olds on my tube. One of them feels sick and is sitting next to me with a… https://t.co/kbH9ckIzxw
Especially if you have a hangover.
17. Having to walk up or down an escalator which isn't moving so you feel weirdly motion sick.
It's called Broken Escalator Phenomenon and it's an actual thing.
18. Getting stuck in solid traffic 100m from your bus stop, but the driver refusing to let you off.
It's so you don't get run over but COME ON DRIVER MAN.
19. A builder dropping a scaffolding pole on your head.
Or the whole scaffolding just collapsing on top of you.
20. Falling through a pub trap door in the pavement.
Or falling through those glass bricks you get in the pavement sometimes.
21. Getting on the wrong branch of the Northern Line.
No one understands the Northern Line, it is just there to confound us.
22. Someone standing on the left.
NO STANDING ON THE LEFT!!!!!
23. Getting "Seek Assistance" when you try to swipe your Oyster.
Especially bad when there's a big queue of people behind you huffing and puffing.
24. Using a dodgy-looking ATM* and freaking out that you're going to have all your money stolen.
*all ATMs in London tbh
25. Your favourite takeaway being closed down for health and safety reasons.
"Green bacon and rat droppings".
26. Bumping into someone you vaguely know on the tube and having to make awkward conversation with them, while pressed together very closely, with the whole carriage listening.
