37 Slightly Awful Things That Happen To All British People In April
So much promise, so much rain.
1. You rush out without a coat on the first sunny day, only to discover that it's 7°C with a bitter northeasterly wind.
2. You cackle in the face of trousers, and go out with bare legs on the second sunny day, only to discover that it's 7°C with a bitter northeasterly wind.
3. You quickly learn from your past mistakes, and despite the fact that it's a sunny day in spring, you sensibly wear your winter coat because this is Britain and it's probably 7°C with a bitter northeasterly wind.
4. You collapse at the bus stop in a pool of sweat and hot, frustrated tears because it is 17°C with no breeze even though it's only goddamn April.
5. You spend the entire day lugging your winter coat around with you because it's suddenly fucking warm but literally this morning it was freezing.
6. You excitedly run to the shops and start buying "spring clothes", which might include some light jumpers or long-sleeved dresses.
7. You find literally no occasion to wear your new "spring clothes". It is either winter still or suddenly, swelteringly summer.
8. You rush out on a sunny day wearing your spring clothes, which are both too hot and too cold for the weather. You forgo your winter coat, knowing you'll only end up lugging it around all day, and instead opt for a "light spring jacket".
9. By lunchtime the rain is torrential. With only your "light spring jacket" for protection, you scurry to Pret for a warming winter soup, and return, soaked, to your desk.
10. You learn quickly from past mistakes and check the weather forecast in the morning before leaving for work. The forecast is a mix of sun, clouds, showers, and wind.
11. You pack an umbrella in your bag and wear a waterproof coat, but also wear a vest, a shirt, and a light jumper. You realise now: Layers are key.
12. By 5:30pm it is blazing sunshine, and everyone is flocking to the park for an impromptu picnic. You follow along but can't fit any beers in your bag because of the umbrella, the waterproof coat, and the light jumper.
13. The waterproof coat does double up as a decent picnic blanket in the end.
14. By 6:30pm the temperature has dropped, and the park is suddenly cold, wintry, and depressing. There aren't even proper leaves on the trees yet.
15. Everyone goes home.
16. You decide never to take your umbrella out again, but then realise you've lost it anyway.
17. On the first sunny Saturday literally every single person you know has a barbecue. The warm air is thick with barbecue smoke.
18. You hear the sounds of children playing in the streets, and an ice cream van somewhere in the distance.
19. Everything smells of blossom and sausages.
20. "It's summer!" you cry.
21. You spend all day in the sunshine at a barbecue, or in the park, or in the pub beer garden, or all three.
22. You go to the toilet at about 6pm and are confused to find a bloated red lobster staring back at you in the bathroom mirror.
23. You remember all the sunshine.
24. On the way home, you spot several overweight men who are naked to the waist. Their chests and backs are the colour of letterboxes, but their armpits and chin fat are milky white.
25. You mock them silently in your head.
26. You confidently decide to wear sandals to work for the first time.
27. You feel self-conscious when you realise you're the only person in the whole country wearing sandals.
28. You powerfully regret the sandals when you find yourself in an important meeting and suddenly become aware of the state of your toes.
29. You pluck your toe hair.
30. You cut your toenails.
31. If you're a woman, you shave your legs but only to the height of a cropped trouser.
32. You suddenly become very aware of the success – or not – of your deodorant.
33. You run to Boots at lunchtime, and craftily/illegally spray some more deodorant under your arms without actually buying any.
34. It starts to rain.
35. "April showers!" you say to no one in particular.
36. You check BBC weather. Rain clouds every day this week.
37. You wake up one morning and it's 31 August, and you wonder where the summer went.