23 Ways To Keep Your Shit Together When You're Drinking

There’s a big different between fun drunk and crying-while-vomiting drunk. Don't be the latter.

1. Eat a full (and, ideally, healthy) meal first.

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Not all drunk foods are created equal. The best base layer for imminent drunkenness, and the one that will prevent you from becoming a sloppy mess, is one built with not JUST carbs, but also with lots of protein, produce, and healthy fats.

2. Rock a small cross-body bag or fanny pack.

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You'll be less likely set your purse down somewhere and potentially leave it behind. Also, smaller means less endless drunken excavations for...what were you looking for again?

3. Bring gum to combat red wine mouth and booze breath.

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Chew in between glasses, should Malbec be your BFF that night. Do only half a stick at a time, so you don't look like an old-timey prospector cartoon character.

4. Don't spend too much time in the sun before or during drinking.

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Hanging hard in sunlight sucks your body dry. And if you then pour hooch into your dehydrated bloodstream, you're going to be much drunker, much faster. So buy yourself some time by staying in the shade.

5. Spring for waterproof mascara.

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Summertime = whirlwind romances + hot weather = Raccoon Eye City. But if your makeup doesn't run, no one will suspect you're actually a hot mess!

6. Wear walkable shoes.

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Unless you're the most OG high-heel wearer of all time, heels will simply highlight the ensuing lack of grace. Plus, a more chill option like canvas sneakers is basically the shoe equivalent to, "LOL, what? I'm clearly not drunk, just mega chiiill."

7. Pick a lip color that won't ghost on you.

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An occasion of heavy debauchery is probably not the time to unveil the complicated lip look you finally mastered via umpteen YouTube tutorials. Stick with a stain, a tinted gloss, or a long-lasting lipstick that will actually stay on through too many drinks.

8. Opt for a low-maintenance look all around.

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Touching up your makeup while drunk is tough to do in a precise way. Same rule applies to clothing — like, say, strapless tops that necessitate a lot of hoisting, or jumpsuits that make your (frequent) bathroom visits way more complicated.

9. Take photos early on.

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Your pulsing need to "capture the moment" will actively surge with each incoming tallboy, so get it over with ASAP. That way, when you find that your memory is a little hazy the next morning, all the evidence will point to you looking cute and not-that-drunk!

10. Knock out your social media updates early, too.

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It's hard enough to choose a filter when you're seeing single, not double. Get your proof-of-presence 'gram in early and you'll be less tempted to caption an upload "VaMPZNjbs!!! edward ."

11. Put your phone away, and keep it there.

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The less texting, sexting, tweeting, and subtweeting that goes on during your bender, the better. I mean it. You can even make it ~fun~ and challenge the group to The Phone Stacking Game.

12. Ask people lots of questions about themselves.

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Hints of slurring are easily masked by appealing to another person's narcissism ;)

13. Explore nonverbal communication.

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Nodding, thumbs up, or thoughtfully smiling are ways to contribute to conversation without risking the catastrophe of actually opening your mouth. Plus, letting other people take center stage can only win you more friend points. Hey, you're really nailing this!!

14. And if you MUST talk, stick with one-liners.

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Good example above.

15. Use straws.

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Straws prevent a) lipstick disasters, b) spilling all over yourself and c) gulping things down too fast. Also, straws are fun.

16. Drink a glass of water between each round.

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Yes, this might slow your ride to Drunksville slightly, but mostly it's helpful in keeping your skin and eyeballs hydrated so you're not a hungover garbage can in the morning.

17. Pin or pull hair away from your face.

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In effort to purge the literal ~poison~ inside it, your body is gonna wanna push mucho sweat out your pores. Don't let your bangs melt to your forehead like the sad cotton candy if you don't want people to cotton on to your actual level of intoxication.

18. Avoiding touching your hair a lot.

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Once the pins are pinned, hands off! In your state of tequila haze, you might not notice how a super cazjh hair swipe leaves looking like Flock Of Seagulls. Just skip it.

19. Don't smoke if you don't normally smoke.

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"I only smoke when I drink!" is chill only until college graduation or so. Come to think of it, don't smoke even if you usually smoke. Stop that.

20. Remember that cocktails come in glasses, not bottles.

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Be civilized, please. Or at least pretend.

21. NO. SHOTS.

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You're not 21, don't be insane. Conversely, maybe you are 21 — so act mature. Real talk: shots are like puncturing a hole in a battery. No one respects a repeat social napper, so just refrain.

22. Plan to split a cab with a friend who lives near you.

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Hatch a plan ahead of time to go halfsies on a cab home with someone who lives in your neighborhood. You do NOT want to get stuck with that one acquaintance who lives way the hell away and has GOT to share TMI deets about their love life. Trust in this.

23. If all else fails, wear sunglasses.

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If it's good enough for Pippa Middleton (seriously) and Corey Hart, it's good enough for your drunk ass.