It's Time To Have A Frank Conversation About Dicks In Medieval Art

Medieval artists certainly had a fixation...

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1. Dear Medieval Art, we, the citizens of the future, have a few questions about what's going on in your art. Take for example, these dickiduous trees.

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(Hahahaha, did you see what I did up there? DICKIDUOUS TREES! Like "deciduous trees" but with dicks. I'll be waiting by my phone, Pulitzer committee.)

2. And what's up with this ashamed man giving a (his?) penis to a woman who is obviously not feeling it?

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"No, listen, it's a great size and all, but this is not what we agreed on. I just, well, I thought it'd still be attached to a dude when we made our arrangement."

3. Listen, I like your strategy. Offer the cat a fish and hope he'll drop your dildo, but I don't understand how this situation happened in the first place, or why it was committed to canvas.

4. And what about this sad penis playing trumpet?

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Like, what's wrong with it? Why is it so depressed? Don't worry, little guy! Nobody is really asking you to be good at trumpet. That's not why you exist.

5. Oh cool! You're wearing the coolest shirt in your closet, but you totally blanked on pants when you left the house today? No wonder you're so grumpy.

6. Here's what's happening here: "Oh! What's it doing?! This has never happened before!" "Really? I'm an angel. I see everything is this is certainly not the first time." "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" "You can start by cutting off."

7. This. Let's talk about this. I already don't understand your tendency to cut penises off, but dude, there's gotta be better methods for doing it.

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And why is the guy in blue so chill? The guy in red is obviously having the worst time of his life.

10. Listen, medieval artists... we've really come a long way since you were around making your "art."

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But some things, like having a fruit bowl on your head while a dog blows you, never change.

14. We've all been here, right? You have a few too many, and you get a little too comfortable, and you kick off your pants before passing out at the party, and you're friends are all like, "This is verily embarrassing, Lord Ulric!"

16. And this one's got me messed up, cause I'll never have a penis, and I'll never know what it feels like to have one, but now I can't stop thinking about toucans attacking them.

Seriously, medieval artists, what's up with you?