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It's Time To Have A Frank Conversation About Dicks In Medieval Art

Medieval artists certainly had a fixation...

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1. Dear Medieval Art, we, the citizens of the future, have a few questions about what's going on in your art. Take for example, these dickiduous trees.

(Hahahaha, did you see what I did up there? DICKIDUOUS TREES! Like "deciduous trees" but with dicks. I'll be waiting by my phone, Pulitzer committee.)
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(Hahahaha, did you see what I did up there? DICKIDUOUS TREES! Like "deciduous trees" but with dicks. I'll be waiting by my phone, Pulitzer committee.)

2. And what's up with this ashamed man giving a (his?) penis to a woman who is obviously not feeling it?

"No, listen, it's a great size and all, but this is not what we agreed on. I just, well, I thought it'd still be attached to a dude when we made our arrangement."
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"No, listen, it's a great size and all, but this is not what we agreed on. I just, well, I thought it'd still be attached to a dude when we made our arrangement."

3. Listen, I like your strategy. Offer the cat a fish and hope he'll drop your dildo, but I don't understand how this situation happened in the first place, or why it was committed to canvas.

"I'm a very, very bad kitty."
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"I'm a very, very bad kitty."

4. And what about this sad penis playing trumpet?

Like, what's wrong with it? Why is it so depressed? Don't worry, little guy! Nobody is really asking you to be good at trumpet. That's not why you exist.
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Like, what's wrong with it? Why is it so depressed? Don't worry, little guy! Nobody is really asking you to be good at trumpet. That's not why you exist.

5. Oh cool! You're wearing the coolest shirt in your closet, but you totally blanked on pants when you left the house today? No wonder you're so grumpy.

"I spent HOURS getting ready this morning and nobody has said anything about my shirt".
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"I spent HOURS getting ready this morning and nobody has said anything about my shirt".

6. Here's what's happening here: "Oh! What's it doing?! This has never happened before!" "Really? I'm an angel. I see everything is this is certainly not the first time." "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" "You can start by cutting off."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ idk
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯ idk

7. This. Let's talk about this. I already don't understand your tendency to cut penises off, but dude, there's gotta be better methods for doing it.

And why is the guy in blue so chill? The guy in red is obviously having the worst time of his life.
romandelarose.org

And why is the guy in blue so chill? The guy in red is obviously having the worst time of his life.

8. I would title this one: "I'M HERE FOR THE PARTY."

She seems pleased.
Twitter: @kortvex

She seems pleased.

9. And this, without a doubt, is some kind of weird fetish.

"Am I doing this right?""I'm grinning, aren't I?"
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"Am I doing this right?"

"I'm grinning, aren't I?"

10. Listen, medieval artists... we've really come a long way since you were around making your "art."

But some things, like having a fruit bowl on your head while a dog blows you, never change.
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But some things, like having a fruit bowl on your head while a dog blows you, never change.

11. Oh, I think I get this one... "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "To eat a man's penis, I guess."

12. Hey! Nice hat! Where's the party?

This guy seems like he's a lot of fun.
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This guy seems like he's a lot of fun.

13. This man is obviously reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

And really enjoying it, from the looks of things.
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And really enjoying it, from the looks of things.

14. We've all been here, right? You have a few too many, and you get a little too comfortable, and you kick off your pants before passing out at the party, and you're friends are all like, "This is verily embarrassing, Lord Ulric!"

Honestly, this doesn't seem too far from reality to me.
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Honestly, this doesn't seem too far from reality to me.

15. This one also seems pretty normal. Just a lady riding a dragon. Also, though, it's a dick? Okay, I can't quite figure this one out.

I like its little tail though.
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I like its little tail though.

16. And this one's got me messed up, cause I'll never have a penis, and I'll never know what it feels like to have one, but now I can't stop thinking about toucans attacking them.

I know it's not rational, but toucans are not trustworthy.
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I know it's not rational, but toucans are not trustworthy.

17. What's up with this guy? He's all like "Yo. Scope this messed up dick. Pretty messed up, huh?"

WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?
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WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Seriously, medieval artists, what's up with you?

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