The World's 13 Laziest Salmon
These salmon are bums. (h/t to McSweeney's for the suggestion)
1.
"Swimming is a futile effort."
2.
"Thanks for carrying me. I was getting tired."
3.
"You want me to finish crossing the road? Do I look like a chicken to you?"
4.
"I'm JUST resting!!! Sheesh, get off my back."
5.
"It's too hard to avoid being eaten."
6.
"Can you work my caudal fins for me? I can't bring myself to bother."
7.
"I'll spawn when I'm goddamned ready to spawn."
8.
"Do I look like I want to leap for you? Get out of here."
9.
"I meant to have the dentist do something about my teeth... Maybe I just need to floss more."
11.
"I mean, he caught me. I'm not bothering to contest it, so I'll just have to live with the consequences."
12.
"Look, SHUT UP. I can see he's right in front of me. I'll eat him in a moment."
13.
"Dude, don't act like it's so weird to just see a fish sitting there. It happens. No need to judge me."